Missing something

This is exactly the point in realtionships that I want to bail. The point where things are going really good and one day there is an absence and my heart starts to hurt a little bit and I don't want that hurt to grow and I get that fight or flight response. But I feel bad about it. Things have been going really well with me and John and I was supposed to see him today after his doctor's appointment.

**a little background info**
John was diagnosed with cancer last year and went through radiation therapy and got a clean bill of health in December not long before we met in January. That is the really short annotated version for now just so things make sense.

So his appointment was at 2:45pm and then he was gonna come over this evening like dinnertime etc and probably stay. Well, I screwed up the other day and overdrafted my bank account and so i was strapped for cash and felt really bad that I didn't have enough foresight to buy his birthday present FIRST before I went shopping for Iyishia's baby shower that is in March and the valentines day party later in the month at Ariel's school. But live and learn. ANYWAY...so I was planning on selling our DS games towards a new Wii set and so I sold them today so I could buy him hockey tickets for his birthday. So why all this???

Well I haven't heard from him since last night around 8pm. He went to Giant after leaving here because he was out of coffee filters and coffee. PS...that is just plan old SINFUL to let even occur but whatever. So he said his phone was flasking red and battery was  just about dead. So he was going to go home and charge his phone and go to bed. Well that's the last I heard from him. He usually wakes me up in the morning with a wake up call. Well I got no wakeup call. The day went on and I text him that I was out and about. No response. No big deal. His appt time came and went and when I got home and settled I called twice and went straight to VM. Well now I am worried. So I expressed my concerns to Iyishia, my sounding board, and she asked if I left a message. Well I don't leave messages. I just don't. She said to leave a message. So I did around 7pm. I called again at 8pm and it rang before it went to VM so his phone in ON now. Well I called at 8:40 and again went to VM. Now is he sleeping? He does go to bed early?! So now it's 9:30pm and I refuse to call again. He will call if he is good and ready.

Iyishia said that I should be worried/concerned not pissed off/angry. I left the message and expressed my concern and I left a text as well that I was worried and please call me. Still no reply.

So why is this when i wanna bail?
Because it fucking hurts! That's why! i can't help but take it personally! who the fuck else is there? I don't wanna hurt. I have been hurt so bad that I never wanna endure that again. I'm not into pain. I'm too old for this bullshit. I just want to be happy. Last relationship...I knew it was going no where and I just let it continue out of convienence. But that relationship was over before it even started. So there was no room to be hurt except him cheating on me because I never gave him a reason to cheat. There is no excuse for cheating!

3 Cardinal Rules for dating me:
1- No Cheating
2- No hitting
3- no lying...and this is the big one and most broken.
I would rather someone tell me the truth no matter how awful and painful but know the truth and get over it than be lied to and then find out the truth and hurt even more. Just me. Don't have to agree with me. That's just me.

So here I am on a Tuesday night, my day off, blogging. With a pain in my heart. THE WORST PART IS...maybe I'm overreacting! No No No I am not overreacting. I feel this way and that's it. I am entitled to feel how I want to. The only thing I might be wrong about is that he might be having a bad day  with his dr appt and all. I want to be  part of that though. If we are in a relationship, no matter how new, we should be able to share this. And if it's bad.....does he think I'm not gonna find out? or I'm gonna ditch him?? I want to be with him. Sick, well, cancer, no cancer I don't care. I wanna be with him. And isn't that how it should be?

Why is it that when we are sad or pissed off we blog the most and the best? Sometimes I feel like my blog is an overrated diary of some sort. But days like today it might be worth something.

Well I know for sure that I won't hear from him tonight now that it's 10:15 at night and he is surely in bed by now or out somewhere. I hope everything is okay, I truly do. Hopefully I will hear from him tomorrow. Until then and no matter what....I am still hurting.