I never thought I would be self-defeating. For me sleep has always been a challenge in my adult life. I became accustomed to getting every ounce of sleep I could muster whenever that may be. But I was wrong in my futile attempts at sleep. Linda, my drug dealer, well not really but she writes my prescriptions for me, she said I had bad sleep habits. I argued that I didn't because I would go to sleep at the same time every night, I took my meds as I was supposed to and I tried to wake up every day at the same time. Well, I may have been doing all that but I was sabotaging myself too. I would wake up in the morning and take Ariel to school and then come home and go back to bed. Mistake #1 then midday I would take a nap Mistake #2 then I would take my medicine RIGHT WHEN I wanted to go to sleep Mistake #3. So here is what I have done.
For the last few days that I have been home from work I have been forcing myself to stay awake during the day. No going back to bed. I can lay in bed, read in bed, play on my computer in bed but not sleep. This has been a challenge since I get obred and have nothing to fucking do. So I have been downloading and watching movies and music. This makes me happy because now I have a whole bunch of music on the iTunes and onto my iPod. What I did was took all my favorites that I listen to all the time and put them on my iPhone. Then i erased all the old music from my iPod and replaced it with new music that I haven't listened to yet to screen and see if I like it. Then I will take the songs I like and put them onto my iPhone to go into rotation. YAY for music!
Next....no afternoon naps and if I do nap only limited to one hour. I only took one nap in the last 5 days and it was precisely one hour and a few minutes depending on what clock you were looking at. This seem easy enough if I keep myself busy.
Now here comes the hard part. I have to eat dinner at 6pm and take my medicine at 7pm for it to work. I had been taking my medicine whenever I was ready to go to bed so it took that much longer for it to take affect and I would lay in bed tossing and turning. I went to bed last night a little after 9:30pm and didn't have to take Trazadone to knock me out. I was so proud of myself. Then this morning I was up before the fourteenth alarm clock went off and actually outta bed by 7:30am. Miraculous! I don't feel tired. Well this morning just a little bit. But I gotta get moving and find something to do. Yesterday, I went food shopping. I didn't know if Iyishia was going to have her car so I took the bus immediately after dropping Ariel off for school. I lounged around the supermarket looking at everything just cruising down the aisles and low and behold there was Iyishia. God sent her to me! I was amazed and stupified. So she gave me a ride home. When I got home not only did I put the groceries away but I cleaned the entire kitchen and straightened up....then went back to downloading stuff for the rest of the day.
So I guess the secret is....stay awake during the day even if I don't want to. If I take a nap limit it to only one hour (unless I am ill), take my meds soon after eating dinner which should be somewhere around the hour of 7pm and get to bed early so I can wake up in the morning.
I am not tired more than I am bored. My body is saying Fuck it go back to bed and my brain is saying sounds good but that's a bad idea. So I guess for once I have to listen to my brain (and Linda) and stay awake. I'm gonna call Iyishia later when I am done with this round of downloads and see if she will pick me up to hang out. That will give me something to do.
Well that's my observation of self and entry for today. Happy sleeping!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Music
Music has liberated me. From as far back as I can remember music has been a part of my life. From the womb, my mother took me to concerts and surrounded me with music. It is no wonder that music runs through my veins and into my soul. When my life took a turn to shit at a very young age as my mother deterioarted into her splintered psyche, music saved me. Music encapsulated me, wrapped its arms around me and took me away from my life. My punishment went from the physical beatings to taking away my music. I would rather take a beating than watch my mother throw my cassettes (yeah I had cassettes AND albums) into a great big black garbage bag and throw them away. I managed to salvage some and hide them away in any nook and cranny I could but I couldnt save them all. So I resorted to radio. I taped everything. I had to have music. I taped it so I could listen on my walkman (yeah had one of those too) When "plugged in" I could escape. I could escape into the music and disappear to somewhere ANYWHERE else but my life. School was torture because my mother was a teacher. One would think life in school would be a little easier having a mom that was a teacher but quite the contrary. She made my life hell. I would be doing next year's work over the summer and god forbid after all that if I got one answer wrong. I would have to do my work over and over and over til it was perfect. English papers were even worse. My mother was an English teacher. When my papers were graqded poorly because lord knows my mom made sure that they were perfect before I handed them in, she actually went to the school to reprimand the teacher at parent teacher conferences! I was the A student with the psycho teacher mom. In high school I was able to disappear. Disappear into the crowd. And when things got too heated I could disappear into the music. The more orchestratic the music the more I loved it. The more passionate the more I disappeared. I could be the music. Even a sad song was liberating because I could filter all my emotions through the music. By the end of the song it was a three minute therapy session. The more music the more therapy. My mom sent me to therapy and then wanted to know what was said so she grilled the therapist. If I knew then that it was totally unethical it would have been on but i was a kid. All I knew was that grownups will betray you because grownups stuck together. The ones who were supposed to help you and hear you only filtered info to my mother. I was alone and I stayed there. Once in high school, there was a group kinda therapy closed sessions called SPARK. I don't really know how I got involved but it helped. I gave adults another chance. I opened up slightly and found a way to cope. I stopped crying. I took the power away from her. This made her more angry and the beatings got worse. But after it was over she left me alone. I wanted her to tell me to go to my room but she never left me alone. I wanted to be alone in my room but even after she sent me there she had to come in and verbally abuse me. Then I hit back. That was the beginning of the end. My beatings turned into all out brawls literally on the bathroom floor. My stepdad just left. He walked out. Things got bad and he never intervened. He left me there with that psycho. If anyone ever saw Mommy Dearest they could see my life. I lived that movie. My mom treated me like Cinderella at home and showed me off as her pride and joy in public. Until we got home. I remember the bathroom scene so vividly it scars me for life. Just like the movie, my mom threw Ajax all over the bathroom. Have u ever used Ajax? A little bit goes a long way and that shit never comes off and leaves a film everywhere! There is probably still Ajax in that bathroom from 1989! So just like my stepdad I left. I left whenever I could. I would go to my Uncle Raymond's house. But he betrayed me too. He never stood up for me. My mom would come and get me and he would send me home with her. Then mom decided she was gonna get sober. I don't know who was worse drunk abusive mom or on the wagon abusive mom who was "saved" and "redeemed" and everyone else was fucked up. Everyone else was a drunk or a drug addict or just plain old fucked up. She was the messiah. So I tried to go along with it. I wanted to try and go with the flow and not rock the boat. Mom put me back in therapy but I told them what they wanted to hear. All they wanted to hear was how my mom was doing. She is the one who needed therapy more than me. So I went to these Al-Anon and Alateen meetings because according to mom I needed a 12 step program. It was just a chance to get me out of the house. Fine I could open up if I wanted to but who was gonna believe me and what were they gonna do about it anyway. I still had my music. That was my therapy. Music kept me sane. In a world that was chaos and insane and violent music saved me. From heavy metal as an expression of anger, to passionate soul and r&b to cry to and pop music to pep me up and be happy and motivated. Music saved me. Then I left for the last time. I still went to school but my mom had to teach. She couldn't be chasing after me. She didn't pay attention to me long enough to know I had friends beyond Rachel. Me and Rachel were friends since the 4th grade. The only reason my mom liked her is because her mom was a teacher and she thought she was gonna rat me out. But she never did. I thank Sahron for that. I was allowed to be a kid. To just hang out for a little bit. I could go outside and play. That was big. I was a prisoner in a war I didn't start and didn't want to be a part of. I was repeatedly attacked like a superpower invading Ethiopia. What the hell is Ethiopia gonna do? They don't even have food, nevermind the energy to fight. It was a losing battle and I was on the losing end. I was Ethiopia. So I left for the last time. I was gone for three weeks. This time it wasn't off to Uncle Raymond's house or Gramma's or Uncle Robert's (who lived right upstairs from my gramma) I went to friend's houses. I couchsurfed from one friend to another. Their parents knew what was going on and wanted to help me but I didn't want them to get in trouble so when my mom came sniffing around, i changed places. Finally my gramma convinced me to meet up with my mom at the place where we got "therapy". Mom brought the cops. Either I went home with her or I became a ward of the state and left with the cops. But there was a light! If I went home with her, the very next day she pulled me out of school and put me in boarding school. A "residential theraputic community"...whatever! IT'S BOARDING SCHOOL. So I went. I didn't have to live with her anymore. I would be here til I graduated school. I wasn't even thinking beyond there. I would stay here as long as I didn't have to be with her. She could visit but she couldn't be abusive or she had to leave. She couldn't hit me. She couldn't berate me. For the first time in years, i was safe. But I lost the "priviledge" of music. but onloy for a little while. We had a clock radio. That was enough. Music saved me from boarding school too. I was locked up but I was safe.
Music continues to be my saving grace. I listen to music constantly. I can't get enough. I have over 40 gigs of music. 40 of it on my computer and I just keep on adding my old cd's to iTunes little by little. Today I was home and did nothing but download music. No cleaning, no sleeping (well I took an hour nap midday) but I just got music. I took almost all the old music off my iPod and replaced it with new music so I can see what I like and weed it out. I kept the all time, listen over and over favorites on my iPhone. As I experience the new music, I can transfer new songs onto my iPhone to go into rotation.I listen to music at work, I listen to music at home, I listen to music when I cross the street to pick Ariel up from school, music is everywhere. I like music on the bus. I can escape the smelly, dirty pigs and the little old ladys and dissolve into my music. I highly recommend music to anyone. It kept me sane. I thought I was the crazy one for years only to find out my mom has disassociative disorder. Commonly known as multiple personalitys. I only found out that fact about 8 years ago. 8 years ago the world and my life gained clarity. I wasn't the crazy one, she was. She didn't remember half or even like an eighth of the crap that transpired over the years. She wasn't in charge of the committee. That's what i call her "disorder" the "committee. She can have a party and not have to invite a single person and not have a drink and blackout. But the most devestating thing I have ever heard in my ENTIRE life was the day that my mother told me that there were "parts of me that hate you". Hate is such a strong word. One of the most powerful words I can think of in the english language. It was engrained in me BY MY MOTHER that never to say hate. You dislike things. You can even abhor or be disgusted by things but not hate. She used the word hate in the same sentence as me. I can never forgive her or the committee for that. But I am stuck as a teenager. I am not a nurse, a college grad, a mother, a paramedic or even a grownup. To her I am a stupid teenager that she hates. She is stuck and I am not. And I refuse to be. I moved on. My mother is no longer a part of our lives. It's been 6 years now. I am a better person. I am healthier without her. I am happy and secure in my being without her. Let her stay gone and be enraptured in her illness. I can't help her and won't be sucked in to her insanity and expose my daughter to that. I love my daughter too much. We are fine. And I still have music. Music is my salvation. Find your music. Don't limit yourself to a genre. Try them all. You don't have to like all of it maybe just a song here and there but find music. It helped me. I hope it will bless your life too.
I feel better. This blog has been amazingly liberating. I have no followers today, yet. But I hope I will help you too.
Music continues to be my saving grace. I listen to music constantly. I can't get enough. I have over 40 gigs of music. 40 of it on my computer and I just keep on adding my old cd's to iTunes little by little. Today I was home and did nothing but download music. No cleaning, no sleeping (well I took an hour nap midday) but I just got music. I took almost all the old music off my iPod and replaced it with new music so I can see what I like and weed it out. I kept the all time, listen over and over favorites on my iPhone. As I experience the new music, I can transfer new songs onto my iPhone to go into rotation.I listen to music at work, I listen to music at home, I listen to music when I cross the street to pick Ariel up from school, music is everywhere. I like music on the bus. I can escape the smelly, dirty pigs and the little old ladys and dissolve into my music. I highly recommend music to anyone. It kept me sane. I thought I was the crazy one for years only to find out my mom has disassociative disorder. Commonly known as multiple personalitys. I only found out that fact about 8 years ago. 8 years ago the world and my life gained clarity. I wasn't the crazy one, she was. She didn't remember half or even like an eighth of the crap that transpired over the years. She wasn't in charge of the committee. That's what i call her "disorder" the "committee. She can have a party and not have to invite a single person and not have a drink and blackout. But the most devestating thing I have ever heard in my ENTIRE life was the day that my mother told me that there were "parts of me that hate you". Hate is such a strong word. One of the most powerful words I can think of in the english language. It was engrained in me BY MY MOTHER that never to say hate. You dislike things. You can even abhor or be disgusted by things but not hate. She used the word hate in the same sentence as me. I can never forgive her or the committee for that. But I am stuck as a teenager. I am not a nurse, a college grad, a mother, a paramedic or even a grownup. To her I am a stupid teenager that she hates. She is stuck and I am not. And I refuse to be. I moved on. My mother is no longer a part of our lives. It's been 6 years now. I am a better person. I am healthier without her. I am happy and secure in my being without her. Let her stay gone and be enraptured in her illness. I can't help her and won't be sucked in to her insanity and expose my daughter to that. I love my daughter too much. We are fine. And I still have music. Music is my salvation. Find your music. Don't limit yourself to a genre. Try them all. You don't have to like all of it maybe just a song here and there but find music. It helped me. I hope it will bless your life too.
I feel better. This blog has been amazingly liberating. I have no followers today, yet. But I hope I will help you too.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
formspring.me
Why do you have cats when you are allergic to them?
I got the cats for my daughter. I am willing to take claritin for her happiness. I love the cats.
formspring.me
What food could you eat everyday and not get sick of it?
I could eat pizza any day of the week everyday
formspring.me
If you could ask George W. Bush one question what would it be?
What would you do if your daughter was gay when you fight against gay rights all the time??
formspring.me
whats your favorite song?
My favorite song of the moment is "all over again" by Justin Timberlake. It's really chill and mellow.
Spring cleaning time
Well today is the first day of my 5 days off and while it started off in bed. I can never get enough sleep and i think it's my own fault. On the weekdays when Ariel is in school, i return to bed for a few hours because I am up so late at night. Not sleeping. So then when I must sleep, I cannot get to bed. So I have made my own fate and don't know how to fix it. Well I know how to fix it but i don't want to. I want to have a life. And having a life means being up past 8:30pm. i need a sleep routine though. I should really start taking my medicine earlier and getting to bed at somewhat decent hour.
We have begun spring cleaning. I started in the kitchen but it's nto done. I need to seriously get into the cabinets and look for stuff that is old and needs to be thrown out past expiration dates. And there is stuff there that has been there for years that we are obviously never gonna eat. I found rice a roni that was there forever that I actually was going to eat at my client's house and when I got it there it had moths and worms in it. I guess they are nesting in the food we don't eat. Needless to say it was GROSS and so I really need to go through the cabinets and throw out anything that doesn't come in a sealed plastic container or that has been bought recently. The middle living room is clean and I am quite proud of it since even my basket that sits next to the couch that manages to catch all the miscellanous crap is gone and waiting til I get upstairs and clean up there. THere has to be a mountain of paper stuff, mail, junk mail and crap that needs to be filed and sorted through and thrown out. I brought all that stuff upstairs only because i can bring the garbage can up with me and file as I sort and throw things right out. I have to buy a desk organizer for the crazy insane amounts of office supplies that are everywhere. I need like a pencil cup and a paper clip holder etc all the stuff that holds office supplies. I need a true desk too so I can put all the thousand note pads and ledgers in the drawers. I think that is gonna be the next thing I buy. It should only be like $100 for a simple desk.
The front room is pretty much clean but I have to go through the drawer chest and see what the hell is in there. I have no idea what is in those drawers! The cookies are still lined up and all my art supplies are neatly stacked. That's another thing I need to organize my art supplies. I need a bunch of those plastic rolly polly things to organize my stuff so I don't have to dig everytime I need something. I found the modge podge though and I started to glue my puzzles. Tomorrow the first 3 should be done. Then i will hang those up and continue. I have 2 more of Ariel's and then like 4 more of mine. That should be nice to decorate the walls. The puzzles are big enough that it will be regualr picture size. And much cheaper than buying prints. I can't believe I did all those puzzles over the summer. Well my walls will thank me.
Tomorrow I will finish up the laundry and start on the upstairs I need to tackle that filing cabinet. It will be ok. I will bring it downstairs to my bedroom and my sewing table and Ariel will officially have the whole third floor. I wanted to bring her bunk bed upstairs but I think with the low ceiling it wont be goo because she will never be able to sit up in it just basicaqlly lay down. I really want an office but I guess it will have to wait until we move. I would like to move into Katrina's new house that she has yet to close on. It still has the finished attic like this house but it has three bedrooms on the second floor. One of those can be my office/sewing room.
Pizza for dinner tonight. Quick and easy not to mention yummy. Tomorrow I will cook I promise. I have to go food shopping tomorrow. Let's see if Iyishia can take me shopping. She is sick so maybe she won't be up to it.
Well wheel of fortune time. I can't believe I am actually gonna watch this at home! But Bonz is a repeat and there is nothing else of any value on tv. There is NCIS but I'm not really into that show. Well I will go watch this and sign off for now.
We have begun spring cleaning. I started in the kitchen but it's nto done. I need to seriously get into the cabinets and look for stuff that is old and needs to be thrown out past expiration dates. And there is stuff there that has been there for years that we are obviously never gonna eat. I found rice a roni that was there forever that I actually was going to eat at my client's house and when I got it there it had moths and worms in it. I guess they are nesting in the food we don't eat. Needless to say it was GROSS and so I really need to go through the cabinets and throw out anything that doesn't come in a sealed plastic container or that has been bought recently. The middle living room is clean and I am quite proud of it since even my basket that sits next to the couch that manages to catch all the miscellanous crap is gone and waiting til I get upstairs and clean up there. THere has to be a mountain of paper stuff, mail, junk mail and crap that needs to be filed and sorted through and thrown out. I brought all that stuff upstairs only because i can bring the garbage can up with me and file as I sort and throw things right out. I have to buy a desk organizer for the crazy insane amounts of office supplies that are everywhere. I need like a pencil cup and a paper clip holder etc all the stuff that holds office supplies. I need a true desk too so I can put all the thousand note pads and ledgers in the drawers. I think that is gonna be the next thing I buy. It should only be like $100 for a simple desk.
The front room is pretty much clean but I have to go through the drawer chest and see what the hell is in there. I have no idea what is in those drawers! The cookies are still lined up and all my art supplies are neatly stacked. That's another thing I need to organize my art supplies. I need a bunch of those plastic rolly polly things to organize my stuff so I don't have to dig everytime I need something. I found the modge podge though and I started to glue my puzzles. Tomorrow the first 3 should be done. Then i will hang those up and continue. I have 2 more of Ariel's and then like 4 more of mine. That should be nice to decorate the walls. The puzzles are big enough that it will be regualr picture size. And much cheaper than buying prints. I can't believe I did all those puzzles over the summer. Well my walls will thank me.
Tomorrow I will finish up the laundry and start on the upstairs I need to tackle that filing cabinet. It will be ok. I will bring it downstairs to my bedroom and my sewing table and Ariel will officially have the whole third floor. I wanted to bring her bunk bed upstairs but I think with the low ceiling it wont be goo because she will never be able to sit up in it just basicaqlly lay down. I really want an office but I guess it will have to wait until we move. I would like to move into Katrina's new house that she has yet to close on. It still has the finished attic like this house but it has three bedrooms on the second floor. One of those can be my office/sewing room.
Pizza for dinner tonight. Quick and easy not to mention yummy. Tomorrow I will cook I promise. I have to go food shopping tomorrow. Let's see if Iyishia can take me shopping. She is sick so maybe she won't be up to it.
Well wheel of fortune time. I can't believe I am actually gonna watch this at home! But Bonz is a repeat and there is nothing else of any value on tv. There is NCIS but I'm not really into that show. Well I will go watch this and sign off for now.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Yay the end of the weekend!
Well I honestly had a great weekend with Mario. not even a lot of laundry! We had a good choice of things to watch on TV and everything. Ariel is having a hard time this weekend. I guess she got spoiled with having me all to herself for 3 days with the whole snowing conditions. It's ok I will be home tomorrow and she will be home from school again so she can relax.
I really don't have much to say besides I can't wait to go home and I miss my daughter (I guess I got a little spoiled too) and I can't wait until the morning because I'm that closer to going home. I hope Earl's brother is able to give me a ride home because getting home at 8:30am is SWEET!
Random thought: my breath tastes like onions. Even after brushing my teeth and that's some potent shit!
Well off to bed I go a happy girl....
I really don't have much to say besides I can't wait to go home and I miss my daughter (I guess I got a little spoiled too) and I can't wait until the morning because I'm that closer to going home. I hope Earl's brother is able to give me a ride home because getting home at 8:30am is SWEET!
Random thought: my breath tastes like onions. Even after brushing my teeth and that's some potent shit!
Well off to bed I go a happy girl....
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Another day, another donut....
I couldn't have asked for a nicer day at work. I was a whole 1.25 hours early for work. Jeff picked me up and drove me to work so I saved $20 today. YAY! And he finally got to meet me since he is completely obsessed with me and believes we are destined to be together but I am not REMOTELY attracted to him. It would be a relationship of pity and I'm not into that. I did that with Ron and we aint going there again. Anyway, I was able to snooze in my chair because there was no way on god's green earth that I was letting her off the hook when she didn't even have him outta bed yet. If he was in his chair and cleaned up and eating breakfast I would have bended but not while she is doing laundry and drinking coffee and he is still in bed.
But we had a nice day. I let him go in the morning because we both have our early morning snoozes in our chairs. Then we had lunch, took a walk, did our pulleys, did our stretches and relaxed. By the time Arlene came over with her husband we were laughing and goofing off and she came in in a good mood. No complaints! Not one! She didn't get on his case or anything! I was truly amazed. So she stayed for a little while and chatted and then was gone. We watched Batman begins (which I have seen a thousand times when we didn't have cable and had to resort to our small dvd collection) and we both said it was a silly story and if you don't pay attention you have NO idea what is going on or who the guy in the burlap sack mask is.
Ariel made her calls to me but not for stupid stuff which I am glad about. First time she called, all she wanted to know was how to spell Elizabeth and hung up. Then she called with the drama. Apparently, Iyishia went out to the store and left the kids with Ritchie. I don't know what his major malfunction is but everytime he has the kids he stops them from playing and sends them to read or nap. WTF?? If the kids are not killing each other then let them go. Ariel said that Kaylynn kept on crying. So send her for a nap not 2 seven year olds that are beyond napping age. I could see if everyone was up at the crack of dawn and they were all crabby, but don't punish all of them because the youngest one needs a nap. So of course I am the one who gets the phone calls. The important call came later when Ariel called to tell me she couldn't get a hold of Gramma and she was worried because Gramma was sick and she is ALWAYS home. So, I called. When I didn't get anyone I immediately called my cousin Mimi. If anyone knows where Gramma is it would be Mimi. Well, she turned up in the hospital again and of course no one called me. But this time she is okay. She was complaining about her leg last week and that ended her in the hospital for 6 days and then she came hoome and the leg wasnt' improving. Yesterday the visiting nurse came to the house and said the leg wasnt looking good and for her to go to the ER and she did. So they admitted her again and she has an infection as a result of the original blod clot from last week so they are treating it with antibiotics and blood thinners to get rid of everything. I got Gramma and Ariel on a three way call so Ariel wouldn't worry and it picks my gramma's spirits up to tlak to the kids. Especially after Ariel was the one to discover that Gramma wasn't home. I guess i have to make it a point to call everyday now to check on her since no one calls me. I have to check in on her everyday from now on.
So we did Hamburger Helper for dinner, Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy and then Mario was ready for bed. No Olympics tonight for him. So here I am up in my room blogging. I slacked off for a while during me and John's realtionship but I have to vow to never let a man come between me and my blog commitment.
Well that is all for me today. I am going to go to bed early. Like right now. Maybe I can have some energy tomorrow. Good night all!
But we had a nice day. I let him go in the morning because we both have our early morning snoozes in our chairs. Then we had lunch, took a walk, did our pulleys, did our stretches and relaxed. By the time Arlene came over with her husband we were laughing and goofing off and she came in in a good mood. No complaints! Not one! She didn't get on his case or anything! I was truly amazed. So she stayed for a little while and chatted and then was gone. We watched Batman begins (which I have seen a thousand times when we didn't have cable and had to resort to our small dvd collection) and we both said it was a silly story and if you don't pay attention you have NO idea what is going on or who the guy in the burlap sack mask is.
Ariel made her calls to me but not for stupid stuff which I am glad about. First time she called, all she wanted to know was how to spell Elizabeth and hung up. Then she called with the drama. Apparently, Iyishia went out to the store and left the kids with Ritchie. I don't know what his major malfunction is but everytime he has the kids he stops them from playing and sends them to read or nap. WTF?? If the kids are not killing each other then let them go. Ariel said that Kaylynn kept on crying. So send her for a nap not 2 seven year olds that are beyond napping age. I could see if everyone was up at the crack of dawn and they were all crabby, but don't punish all of them because the youngest one needs a nap. So of course I am the one who gets the phone calls. The important call came later when Ariel called to tell me she couldn't get a hold of Gramma and she was worried because Gramma was sick and she is ALWAYS home. So, I called. When I didn't get anyone I immediately called my cousin Mimi. If anyone knows where Gramma is it would be Mimi. Well, she turned up in the hospital again and of course no one called me. But this time she is okay. She was complaining about her leg last week and that ended her in the hospital for 6 days and then she came hoome and the leg wasnt' improving. Yesterday the visiting nurse came to the house and said the leg wasnt looking good and for her to go to the ER and she did. So they admitted her again and she has an infection as a result of the original blod clot from last week so they are treating it with antibiotics and blood thinners to get rid of everything. I got Gramma and Ariel on a three way call so Ariel wouldn't worry and it picks my gramma's spirits up to tlak to the kids. Especially after Ariel was the one to discover that Gramma wasn't home. I guess i have to make it a point to call everyday now to check on her since no one calls me. I have to check in on her everyday from now on.
So we did Hamburger Helper for dinner, Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy and then Mario was ready for bed. No Olympics tonight for him. So here I am up in my room blogging. I slacked off for a while during me and John's realtionship but I have to vow to never let a man come between me and my blog commitment.
Well that is all for me today. I am going to go to bed early. Like right now. Maybe I can have some energy tomorrow. Good night all!
Friday, February 12, 2010
End of the week....
Well it's been a nice week. I got to spend some quality time with Ariel. We had Wednesday and Thursday snow days and then today was a half day of school. Ariel's party at her school was a fabulous success. Mrs. Butz asked me where I came up with the love letters and when I told her I made them up so was like shocked. It didn't take much just a little thought. Jeff helped me with the boy ones and I did the princesses. We had more than enough food. Holy crap these kids cleaned up. They had enough candy to keep them high for a few days. And we were worried about not having enough. BAH! These kids went home with SHOPPING BAGS full of stuff. Like gift bags size!
When we got home Ariel spent more time outside in the snow. She is constantly complaining that no one wants to play with her. I can't help it if she is an only child. Even if I had a baby today that would not change her boredom. It would probably just make things worse since I would have less time to spend with her. I always wanted more children but it just didn't work out that way. I have pretty much given up on men and on more children.
I will have to have a man fall out of the sky and into my lap with a love letter and bible reference from God to have anything to do with men anytime soon. I had high hopes for John. Yes, I know I said I was over it but I am not. I just don't think that I am so unapproachable or hard to talk to that someone can't talk to me. I know cancer is a pretty heavy topic but I would think one would want to have a shoulder or an ear to listen. I listened for the first 2 weeks we were together almost every conversation his cancer showed up. I knew it was a big part of who he was and that the wounds were fresh. There was always the possibility of the cancer returning. Yes I am still not over it.
When we got home Ariel spent more time outside in the snow. She is constantly complaining that no one wants to play with her. I can't help it if she is an only child. Even if I had a baby today that would not change her boredom. It would probably just make things worse since I would have less time to spend with her. I always wanted more children but it just didn't work out that way. I have pretty much given up on men and on more children.
I will have to have a man fall out of the sky and into my lap with a love letter and bible reference from God to have anything to do with men anytime soon. I had high hopes for John. Yes, I know I said I was over it but I am not. I just don't think that I am so unapproachable or hard to talk to that someone can't talk to me. I know cancer is a pretty heavy topic but I would think one would want to have a shoulder or an ear to listen. I listened for the first 2 weeks we were together almost every conversation his cancer showed up. I knew it was a big part of who he was and that the wounds were fresh. There was always the possibility of the cancer returning. Yes I am still not over it.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Ok I have had enough snow!
Well I give up on the whole John thing. He is too wrapped up in himself to pick up his phone for two minutes and let me know how he is doing. I can't force someone to let me care about them. I care and that's it. I can't force him to be around me. So I will care from afar.
We have had snow from Tuesday night thru Thursday morning. School was closed Wedensday and Thursday so i have been stuck in the house and crazy bored. Ariel was able to go outside today and play in the snow without being snowed into the ground while trying to play. I like not having a big walk or sidewalk because shoveling takes 3 minutes flat. Tuesday night I went to Iyishia's for "training" but we did absolutley nothing but download movies and bullshit. It was nice just hanging out. It's hard for me to be around Ritchie and not want to spit in his face. But we were having a nice conversation so it distracted me for my distaste.
Jeff is in full pursuit of me. I feel bad because I blew him off on Monday waiting for John to show up. Jeff has been nothiing but crazy nice to the point of desperate to see me and I wasted the day waiting on John. We had postponed our lunch date to Tuesday but then he got called in to work so it got rainchecked again. Well then there was Wednesday and all this snow. So rainchecked again. But I have no reset date.
Today was another wasted day. Yesterday was let's watch movies and lay around all day and do nothing. Today was let's lay around and think of stuff we could do and then not do it. Ariel was most productive....she played in the snow.
We went food shopping and got last minute Valentines Day party stuff for Ariel's school and now I am all set. I spoke to Karen Rovine and she is nice enough but on the naive side. I know parties are not everyone's forte but she is naive. I guess the part that kinda rubs me the wrong way is like she didn't want to get the kids cupcakes because they get all crumbly and messy in their backpacks? who cares? if they like them get them for them! So she ordered donuts. Who orders donuts? I know kids that hate donuts. So anyway...I will make the best of this party. I have games and candy and chocolate what else do ya need? LOL
So I am off to bed now so I can be well rested and sober to deal with 24 little bratty kids.
We have had snow from Tuesday night thru Thursday morning. School was closed Wedensday and Thursday so i have been stuck in the house and crazy bored. Ariel was able to go outside today and play in the snow without being snowed into the ground while trying to play. I like not having a big walk or sidewalk because shoveling takes 3 minutes flat. Tuesday night I went to Iyishia's for "training" but we did absolutley nothing but download movies and bullshit. It was nice just hanging out. It's hard for me to be around Ritchie and not want to spit in his face. But we were having a nice conversation so it distracted me for my distaste.
Jeff is in full pursuit of me. I feel bad because I blew him off on Monday waiting for John to show up. Jeff has been nothiing but crazy nice to the point of desperate to see me and I wasted the day waiting on John. We had postponed our lunch date to Tuesday but then he got called in to work so it got rainchecked again. Well then there was Wednesday and all this snow. So rainchecked again. But I have no reset date.
Today was another wasted day. Yesterday was let's watch movies and lay around all day and do nothing. Today was let's lay around and think of stuff we could do and then not do it. Ariel was most productive....she played in the snow.
We went food shopping and got last minute Valentines Day party stuff for Ariel's school and now I am all set. I spoke to Karen Rovine and she is nice enough but on the naive side. I know parties are not everyone's forte but she is naive. I guess the part that kinda rubs me the wrong way is like she didn't want to get the kids cupcakes because they get all crumbly and messy in their backpacks? who cares? if they like them get them for them! So she ordered donuts. Who orders donuts? I know kids that hate donuts. So anyway...I will make the best of this party. I have games and candy and chocolate what else do ya need? LOL
So I am off to bed now so I can be well rested and sober to deal with 24 little bratty kids.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Thank God for days off..
Well last night was the Superbowl and the Saints won. My pick. Good for them. They deserve it. Hopefully this will be the light to shine the way to the future for New Orleans. But that's not why I picked them. That is just the bonus of winning. I think they really worked all year long and they were the underdog. Colts have a strong team but they are cocky. They have been in the spotlight of championships and Superbowls. Can't be too cocky that's when you slip up and make mistakes.
We texted a little bit just about the Superbowl and then spoke for a little while after the game. He said he would wake me up in the morning and he did. He is supposed to come ove rtoday but it's 3pm and I still haven't heard from him. I don't know if he will show up since he hasn't shown his face yet. Unless he plans on sleeping over then he might come down. I could have had lunch with Jeff as he wanted to but I was holding out that John was going to come over. Oh well. I promised Jeff that we would do lunch tomorrow. I plan on holding up my end of the deal. It's not fair to stand him up. I should have just gone today and thought about it later.
I have been planning for both the Valentine's Day party and Iyishia's baby shower. The party is this Friday at Ariel's school. I have lollipops to make. I keep on putting it off because I don't really have a place to store them and don't want them to melt in the house. I found loose sweetheart candies for their game. They will take chopsticks and try to gather as many sweetheart candies as they can in a minute using chopsticks. This should be fun. i have to think of another game to play to keep these little monsters occupied for an hour and some odd minutes. I will have them make valentine cards for their parents if they haven't done so already. They will exchange their valentines and play a couple games. Pretty simple. As for another game...we have the who said that game. I have to write the scenarios though because when put on the spot i will forget. It is also something that I can pass the reins over to someone else. I guess 2 games are ok plus tell the story of Cupid and St Valentine. St Valentine is a little morbid but oh well. He died a martyr. I found a nicer story. Still has an execution at the end but a lighter story.
I got the stickers for the Hershey's kisses for Iyishia's baby shower today. They are so cute! Now I have to buy some more kisses. There are alot of stickers I forgot how many I ordered! It's ok candy wont go to waste. This is the perfect time to buy the chocolates because after Valentine's Day the pink and red candys will be half price and I will clean up cheaply. I have all the stuff for the capias except for the quarters or dimes. I have to go to the bank and get a roll of quarters. I think they will look better than dimes. Big and bold! I can start making those too...this is fun. I should be a party planner! I would have a blast. Maybe I can have a small bakery and a party planning business! That would be ideal. I would be on cloud nine if I could spend my life baking and shopping for parties.
Well its almost 4pm and time to go get Ariel...let's see what happens....
We texted a little bit just about the Superbowl and then spoke for a little while after the game. He said he would wake me up in the morning and he did. He is supposed to come ove rtoday but it's 3pm and I still haven't heard from him. I don't know if he will show up since he hasn't shown his face yet. Unless he plans on sleeping over then he might come down. I could have had lunch with Jeff as he wanted to but I was holding out that John was going to come over. Oh well. I promised Jeff that we would do lunch tomorrow. I plan on holding up my end of the deal. It's not fair to stand him up. I should have just gone today and thought about it later.
I have been planning for both the Valentine's Day party and Iyishia's baby shower. The party is this Friday at Ariel's school. I have lollipops to make. I keep on putting it off because I don't really have a place to store them and don't want them to melt in the house. I found loose sweetheart candies for their game. They will take chopsticks and try to gather as many sweetheart candies as they can in a minute using chopsticks. This should be fun. i have to think of another game to play to keep these little monsters occupied for an hour and some odd minutes. I will have them make valentine cards for their parents if they haven't done so already. They will exchange their valentines and play a couple games. Pretty simple. As for another game...we have the who said that game. I have to write the scenarios though because when put on the spot i will forget. It is also something that I can pass the reins over to someone else. I guess 2 games are ok plus tell the story of Cupid and St Valentine. St Valentine is a little morbid but oh well. He died a martyr. I found a nicer story. Still has an execution at the end but a lighter story.
I got the stickers for the Hershey's kisses for Iyishia's baby shower today. They are so cute! Now I have to buy some more kisses. There are alot of stickers I forgot how many I ordered! It's ok candy wont go to waste. This is the perfect time to buy the chocolates because after Valentine's Day the pink and red candys will be half price and I will clean up cheaply. I have all the stuff for the capias except for the quarters or dimes. I have to go to the bank and get a roll of quarters. I think they will look better than dimes. Big and bold! I can start making those too...this is fun. I should be a party planner! I would have a blast. Maybe I can have a small bakery and a party planning business! That would be ideal. I would be on cloud nine if I could spend my life baking and shopping for parties.
Well its almost 4pm and time to go get Ariel...let's see what happens....
February 6, 2010
Well of course I can't get on the internet from work so I have to update....
John called me back Saturday night...It was option 2. he got a bad report from the doctor. He went for his scope on Tuesday and he said the doctor did n't like what he saw and ordered a Cat scan, a PET scan and an MRI. So he is freaking out. He is assuming that he will need more radiation and possibly chemotherapy if they decide to be more aggressive than the last phase of treatment. We should know something by next Friday after all the tests are complete. He doesn't want to be a burden on anyone. I'm not 12 years old. This is supposed to be a mature relationship. I can handle this. I think it's worth it. I think he is worth it. We talked for a little bit and then he had to go do some work. I kept it light and didn't push too much. But i made it clear that I wasn't going anywhere.
He woke me up Sunday morning..... things are good.
John called me back Saturday night...It was option 2. he got a bad report from the doctor. He went for his scope on Tuesday and he said the doctor did n't like what he saw and ordered a Cat scan, a PET scan and an MRI. So he is freaking out. He is assuming that he will need more radiation and possibly chemotherapy if they decide to be more aggressive than the last phase of treatment. We should know something by next Friday after all the tests are complete. He doesn't want to be a burden on anyone. I'm not 12 years old. This is supposed to be a mature relationship. I can handle this. I think it's worth it. I think he is worth it. We talked for a little bit and then he had to go do some work. I kept it light and didn't push too much. But i made it clear that I wasn't going anywhere.
He woke me up Sunday morning..... things are good.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Still waiting for truth...
Today is a good day I guess. Still no word from John. He never called me back last night. I stayed up as long as I could but he didn’t call anyway. Why is it that men are so communication challenged. I think that is the #1 demise of people’s relationships. No one wants to communicate. I think everyone likes to know where they stand but I think people are too scared to ask for fear that they may hear something they don’t want to hear. I want to know one way or the other. I have had relationships end on good standings because of communication. People grow in different directions. It happens. If we are brave enough to open our mouths I think we would have greater respect and more interpersonal relationships.
My marriage failed due to lack of communication (amongst other things). James never wanted to talk. He obviously had things on his mind but never opened his mouth. I felt like a dentist trying to pry things out of him. The more I pried the more shut down he became to the point where we barely said hello.
I hope to get the truth later...no matter how painful.
My marriage failed due to lack of communication (amongst other things). James never wanted to talk. He obviously had things on his mind but never opened his mouth. I felt like a dentist trying to pry things out of him. The more I pried the more shut down he became to the point where we barely said hello.
I hope to get the truth later...no matter how painful.
Friday, February 5, 2010
I received a text,..
Well it's Friday and I am back at work. Today was good. I interviewed my relief for when I need a day off. I don't know how she is gonna work out. We will see. Private duty is not for everyone. Its literally a 24 hour job. But it broke up my day. Mario was in good spirits. He didn't even give me a hard time about exercising.
I was charging my phone before I went upstairs for the night and finally got a text from John. It read: " I know i shouldn't have done you like that but I will not be a burden on anyone because of my health issues." I asked him to please call me that I was done for the night. He said he was at work and needed to start a compressor and it might be a while and I told him I would be up. I will stay up for this. I took my Seroquel but I can stay up thru it. So it appears that Option #2 that he got bad news from his doctor may be the root evil of this fiasco. As much as I don't want him to be sick, it is nice to know that he wasn't dumping me unexplained. Well in a way he was dumping me but maybe he had a change of heart? Maybe he realized that just cutting me off was really shitty? You can't tell me that he actually wants to be alone especially if he is sick.
Realtionships are give and take. Thru good and bad. You just don't bail because someone gets a cold. No, you go make some soup and crackers and give them a warm bath and some vaporub or something. I'm a fucking nurse! How could I leave someone who was sick? Even as Mario shits his brains out when he had a stomach flu and I was there wiping his ass 47 times a day, I still felt bad for him. I would never leave him dirty. And I would never leave John just because he was sick. If I had a car, I would have driven out there (prolly gotten lost) but I would have tried to go out and see him. But what if he didn't want to see me? There was always that question. I don't chase after people. I don't wanna be that creeper girlfriend that wont leave you alone. As much as I wanted to call every ten minutes and drive out there and check on him and wait in his driveway...*I let it go. I had to accept the possibility that I would never speak to him or see him again. I am glad he text me and hopefully he will call me and tell me everything.
I can forgive him. He doesn't know me. This could all be a defensive mechanism. Maybe he didn't wanna be the one that was dumped because he got a bad prognosis. If he knew me, he would understand that I don't leave people high and dry. I will do anything and everything for a friend. The same thing for a boyfriend. Anything and everything for the people I care about. I fell hard this time. I have been so guarded over the years and I finally let someone in just a little bit and then got the door slammed in my face. I am still hurt but it will pass. I will feel better once I know what the hell is going on.
I didn't think I would ever truly let someone in again. Especially after John (Ariel's dad) and Todd. He screwed me up so bad in the head that I thought I would never love or be loved again. I know in my head that it wasn't me that it was his fault because he was the liar and the cheater. But it still doesn't change the fact that it hurt. it hurt so bad I cried everyday. Cried everyday for a long time. even after Ariel was born I still cried. I cried because I was alone and no one wanted me. I was pregnant and then a single mom with a newborn. I was a leper. If you are pregnant people assume a father is around. Well not in my case. It was even worse after she was born because when you are pregnant u are just fat but still can hang out and be a designated driver and stuff. With a newborn baby you are a cramp in the single folks' style and a leper. One of my first dates happened in Arizona and Ariel was about a year old. He was very late and we missed the movie but I invited him in to watch tv and get to know each other. He wanted to hit a homerun and I stopped him dead in his tracks and told him I wasn't that type of girl and he wasn't getting lucky on a first date. Well he was very cruel and said that it was my loss because who would want me anyway as a single mother with baggage. My heart broke and I didn't date until nearly 6-9 months later. Then there was Todd. I fell hard for him. He was so beautiful and smart and strong. He said all the right things. He had communication issues due to work but he made up for it when he did call. He said all the right things until he said nothing at all. He never asked me to stay in AZ. Everyone knew I was leaving and I guess he thought I was kidding but I was moving back to the east coast. It broke my heart again. I didn't date until I met Ron. Todd still haunts me because he keeps looking for me and finding me and professing his love and then he is gone again. Everytime he does it, it hurts so bad because it rips apart those old wounds. That glimmer of hope that we could be together. Or the thought that maybe now it was meant to be? I haven't let it go yet and I know I should but he still comes after me. Why me?? Of all the girls around he looks for me? Who knows what is really going on in AZ. He says his dad is sick and he is doing some military work down in Tuscon. Am i some kind of joke that him and his buddies gather round when he contacts me? I know now I am thinking negatively but I can't help it. I haven't had too many postitive experiences here lately.
I try not to be a pessimist but I guess that is my defense mechanism kicking in. I have been hurt so many times and I let someone in and it happened again. I think no communication like that is the worst because it just left me thinking WTF?!? What the hell did I do wrong? Was I getting the wrong signals? Did he just want to get laid? I have done the friends with benefits thing and while I want a relationship beyond sex...if that's what he wanted he could have been upfront with me about it.
Well , I'm gonna sign off from here and we will see what happens if he calls me back. I will update later. I just had to get these things off my chest. I have had enough weight on my chest for a couple days already. Good night y'all.
I was charging my phone before I went upstairs for the night and finally got a text from John. It read: " I know i shouldn't have done you like that but I will not be a burden on anyone because of my health issues." I asked him to please call me that I was done for the night. He said he was at work and needed to start a compressor and it might be a while and I told him I would be up. I will stay up for this. I took my Seroquel but I can stay up thru it. So it appears that Option #2 that he got bad news from his doctor may be the root evil of this fiasco. As much as I don't want him to be sick, it is nice to know that he wasn't dumping me unexplained. Well in a way he was dumping me but maybe he had a change of heart? Maybe he realized that just cutting me off was really shitty? You can't tell me that he actually wants to be alone especially if he is sick.
Realtionships are give and take. Thru good and bad. You just don't bail because someone gets a cold. No, you go make some soup and crackers and give them a warm bath and some vaporub or something. I'm a fucking nurse! How could I leave someone who was sick? Even as Mario shits his brains out when he had a stomach flu and I was there wiping his ass 47 times a day, I still felt bad for him. I would never leave him dirty. And I would never leave John just because he was sick. If I had a car, I would have driven out there (prolly gotten lost) but I would have tried to go out and see him. But what if he didn't want to see me? There was always that question. I don't chase after people. I don't wanna be that creeper girlfriend that wont leave you alone. As much as I wanted to call every ten minutes and drive out there and check on him and wait in his driveway...*I let it go. I had to accept the possibility that I would never speak to him or see him again. I am glad he text me and hopefully he will call me and tell me everything.
I can forgive him. He doesn't know me. This could all be a defensive mechanism. Maybe he didn't wanna be the one that was dumped because he got a bad prognosis. If he knew me, he would understand that I don't leave people high and dry. I will do anything and everything for a friend. The same thing for a boyfriend. Anything and everything for the people I care about. I fell hard this time. I have been so guarded over the years and I finally let someone in just a little bit and then got the door slammed in my face. I am still hurt but it will pass. I will feel better once I know what the hell is going on.
I didn't think I would ever truly let someone in again. Especially after John (Ariel's dad) and Todd. He screwed me up so bad in the head that I thought I would never love or be loved again. I know in my head that it wasn't me that it was his fault because he was the liar and the cheater. But it still doesn't change the fact that it hurt. it hurt so bad I cried everyday. Cried everyday for a long time. even after Ariel was born I still cried. I cried because I was alone and no one wanted me. I was pregnant and then a single mom with a newborn. I was a leper. If you are pregnant people assume a father is around. Well not in my case. It was even worse after she was born because when you are pregnant u are just fat but still can hang out and be a designated driver and stuff. With a newborn baby you are a cramp in the single folks' style and a leper. One of my first dates happened in Arizona and Ariel was about a year old. He was very late and we missed the movie but I invited him in to watch tv and get to know each other. He wanted to hit a homerun and I stopped him dead in his tracks and told him I wasn't that type of girl and he wasn't getting lucky on a first date. Well he was very cruel and said that it was my loss because who would want me anyway as a single mother with baggage. My heart broke and I didn't date until nearly 6-9 months later. Then there was Todd. I fell hard for him. He was so beautiful and smart and strong. He said all the right things. He had communication issues due to work but he made up for it when he did call. He said all the right things until he said nothing at all. He never asked me to stay in AZ. Everyone knew I was leaving and I guess he thought I was kidding but I was moving back to the east coast. It broke my heart again. I didn't date until I met Ron. Todd still haunts me because he keeps looking for me and finding me and professing his love and then he is gone again. Everytime he does it, it hurts so bad because it rips apart those old wounds. That glimmer of hope that we could be together. Or the thought that maybe now it was meant to be? I haven't let it go yet and I know I should but he still comes after me. Why me?? Of all the girls around he looks for me? Who knows what is really going on in AZ. He says his dad is sick and he is doing some military work down in Tuscon. Am i some kind of joke that him and his buddies gather round when he contacts me? I know now I am thinking negatively but I can't help it. I haven't had too many postitive experiences here lately.
I try not to be a pessimist but I guess that is my defense mechanism kicking in. I have been hurt so many times and I let someone in and it happened again. I think no communication like that is the worst because it just left me thinking WTF?!? What the hell did I do wrong? Was I getting the wrong signals? Did he just want to get laid? I have done the friends with benefits thing and while I want a relationship beyond sex...if that's what he wanted he could have been upfront with me about it.
Well , I'm gonna sign off from here and we will see what happens if he calls me back. I will update later. I just had to get these things off my chest. I have had enough weight on my chest for a couple days already. Good night y'all.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
formspring.me
If you could date any celebrity, who would it be?
i don't know if i would actually wanna date rather than just use as part of my kinky fascinations
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Can you hear the blood dripping from my broken heart?
Well it's been almost 48 hours since I heard from John. I bought hockey tickets for tonight's game vs the Phantoms and I guess one is gonna go to waste. I got on Twitter and on the phone trying to find anyone who may be interested in going. Not even to recoup the ticket just if they wanna go. This has me quite upset because I hate to waste things. I am even more upset that I haven't heard form him. There are a few options here.
Option #1=he never wants to see me again and is using the if I don't contact her eventually she will go away technique.
Option #2=he got really bad news from his dr appt and has reclused in his home and doesn't want to talk to anyone namely me.
Option #3=he lost his phone and doesn't know my number by heart. (lord knows I have no idea what his phone number is either)
Option #4=doesn't want to celebrate his birthday. But if that was the case, he could have called yesterday so that goes back to Options 2+3
Option #5= He is seeing someone else and is giving them 100% of his attention. Goes back to Option #1
Option #6=I have no fucking idea....that's all I got.
I wanna believe option 2 or 3....I really hope it is not Option 2 because that would mean he is sick. So, I wanna believe that it is option 3 because then I can see not having a couple hundred dollars laying around to buy new iPhone.
So me and Ariel are going to hockey tonight. We had a steak dinner (intended birthday dinner) and we are going to have a good time. Ariel earned her ticket through school and so I am not going to deprive her of her night. I tried all my power to find someone to fill the now empty seat but maybe I will find someone at the stadium that needs a ticket. I am borrowing Iyishia's car so I don't have to worry about carfare so I will have taxi money for Friday morning to get to work.
This hurts my heart. My heart is breaking and he doesn't even know it. I fell too hard too fast. The thought that there was someone for me was so appealing and seductive. And now I am just hurting. This fucking sucks. In light of all my pain, I still hope that he is okay.
Off to Mohegan Sun Arena formerly known as Wachovia Arena formerly known as First Union Arena.....and the hits keep coming.
Option #1=he never wants to see me again and is using the if I don't contact her eventually she will go away technique.
Option #2=he got really bad news from his dr appt and has reclused in his home and doesn't want to talk to anyone namely me.
Option #3=he lost his phone and doesn't know my number by heart. (lord knows I have no idea what his phone number is either)
Option #4=doesn't want to celebrate his birthday. But if that was the case, he could have called yesterday so that goes back to Options 2+3
Option #5= He is seeing someone else and is giving them 100% of his attention. Goes back to Option #1
Option #6=I have no fucking idea....that's all I got.
I wanna believe option 2 or 3....I really hope it is not Option 2 because that would mean he is sick. So, I wanna believe that it is option 3 because then I can see not having a couple hundred dollars laying around to buy new iPhone.
So me and Ariel are going to hockey tonight. We had a steak dinner (intended birthday dinner) and we are going to have a good time. Ariel earned her ticket through school and so I am not going to deprive her of her night. I tried all my power to find someone to fill the now empty seat but maybe I will find someone at the stadium that needs a ticket. I am borrowing Iyishia's car so I don't have to worry about carfare so I will have taxi money for Friday morning to get to work.
This hurts my heart. My heart is breaking and he doesn't even know it. I fell too hard too fast. The thought that there was someone for me was so appealing and seductive. And now I am just hurting. This fucking sucks. In light of all my pain, I still hope that he is okay.
Off to Mohegan Sun Arena formerly known as Wachovia Arena formerly known as First Union Arena.....and the hits keep coming.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Missing something
This is exactly the point in realtionships that I want to bail. The point where things are going really good and one day there is an absence and my heart starts to hurt a little bit and I don't want that hurt to grow and I get that fight or flight response. But I feel bad about it. Things have been going really well with me and John and I was supposed to see him today after his doctor's appointment.
**a little background info**
John was diagnosed with cancer last year and went through radiation therapy and got a clean bill of health in December not long before we met in January. That is the really short annotated version for now just so things make sense.
So his appointment was at 2:45pm and then he was gonna come over this evening like dinnertime etc and probably stay. Well, I screwed up the other day and overdrafted my bank account and so i was strapped for cash and felt really bad that I didn't have enough foresight to buy his birthday present FIRST before I went shopping for Iyishia's baby shower that is in March and the valentines day party later in the month at Ariel's school. But live and learn. ANYWAY...so I was planning on selling our DS games towards a new Wii set and so I sold them today so I could buy him hockey tickets for his birthday. So why all this???
Well I haven't heard from him since last night around 8pm. He went to Giant after leaving here because he was out of coffee filters and coffee. PS...that is just plan old SINFUL to let even occur but whatever. So he said his phone was flasking red and battery was just about dead. So he was going to go home and charge his phone and go to bed. Well that's the last I heard from him. He usually wakes me up in the morning with a wake up call. Well I got no wakeup call. The day went on and I text him that I was out and about. No response. No big deal. His appt time came and went and when I got home and settled I called twice and went straight to VM. Well now I am worried. So I expressed my concerns to Iyishia, my sounding board, and she asked if I left a message. Well I don't leave messages. I just don't. She said to leave a message. So I did around 7pm. I called again at 8pm and it rang before it went to VM so his phone in ON now. Well I called at 8:40 and again went to VM. Now is he sleeping? He does go to bed early?! So now it's 9:30pm and I refuse to call again. He will call if he is good and ready.
Iyishia said that I should be worried/concerned not pissed off/angry. I left the message and expressed my concern and I left a text as well that I was worried and please call me. Still no reply.
So why is this when i wanna bail?
Because it fucking hurts! That's why! i can't help but take it personally! who the fuck else is there? I don't wanna hurt. I have been hurt so bad that I never wanna endure that again. I'm not into pain. I'm too old for this bullshit. I just want to be happy. Last relationship...I knew it was going no where and I just let it continue out of convienence. But that relationship was over before it even started. So there was no room to be hurt except him cheating on me because I never gave him a reason to cheat. There is no excuse for cheating!
3 Cardinal Rules for dating me:
1- No Cheating
2- No hitting
3- no lying...and this is the big one and most broken.
I would rather someone tell me the truth no matter how awful and painful but know the truth and get over it than be lied to and then find out the truth and hurt even more. Just me. Don't have to agree with me. That's just me.
So here I am on a Tuesday night, my day off, blogging. With a pain in my heart. THE WORST PART IS...maybe I'm overreacting! No No No I am not overreacting. I feel this way and that's it. I am entitled to feel how I want to. The only thing I might be wrong about is that he might be having a bad day with his dr appt and all. I want to be part of that though. If we are in a relationship, no matter how new, we should be able to share this. And if it's bad.....does he think I'm not gonna find out? or I'm gonna ditch him?? I want to be with him. Sick, well, cancer, no cancer I don't care. I wanna be with him. And isn't that how it should be?
Why is it that when we are sad or pissed off we blog the most and the best? Sometimes I feel like my blog is an overrated diary of some sort. But days like today it might be worth something.
Well I know for sure that I won't hear from him tonight now that it's 10:15 at night and he is surely in bed by now or out somewhere. I hope everything is okay, I truly do. Hopefully I will hear from him tomorrow. Until then and no matter what....I am still hurting.
**a little background info**
John was diagnosed with cancer last year and went through radiation therapy and got a clean bill of health in December not long before we met in January. That is the really short annotated version for now just so things make sense.
So his appointment was at 2:45pm and then he was gonna come over this evening like dinnertime etc and probably stay. Well, I screwed up the other day and overdrafted my bank account and so i was strapped for cash and felt really bad that I didn't have enough foresight to buy his birthday present FIRST before I went shopping for Iyishia's baby shower that is in March and the valentines day party later in the month at Ariel's school. But live and learn. ANYWAY...so I was planning on selling our DS games towards a new Wii set and so I sold them today so I could buy him hockey tickets for his birthday. So why all this???
Well I haven't heard from him since last night around 8pm. He went to Giant after leaving here because he was out of coffee filters and coffee. PS...that is just plan old SINFUL to let even occur but whatever. So he said his phone was flasking red and battery was just about dead. So he was going to go home and charge his phone and go to bed. Well that's the last I heard from him. He usually wakes me up in the morning with a wake up call. Well I got no wakeup call. The day went on and I text him that I was out and about. No response. No big deal. His appt time came and went and when I got home and settled I called twice and went straight to VM. Well now I am worried. So I expressed my concerns to Iyishia, my sounding board, and she asked if I left a message. Well I don't leave messages. I just don't. She said to leave a message. So I did around 7pm. I called again at 8pm and it rang before it went to VM so his phone in ON now. Well I called at 8:40 and again went to VM. Now is he sleeping? He does go to bed early?! So now it's 9:30pm and I refuse to call again. He will call if he is good and ready.
Iyishia said that I should be worried/concerned not pissed off/angry. I left the message and expressed my concern and I left a text as well that I was worried and please call me. Still no reply.
So why is this when i wanna bail?
Because it fucking hurts! That's why! i can't help but take it personally! who the fuck else is there? I don't wanna hurt. I have been hurt so bad that I never wanna endure that again. I'm not into pain. I'm too old for this bullshit. I just want to be happy. Last relationship...I knew it was going no where and I just let it continue out of convienence. But that relationship was over before it even started. So there was no room to be hurt except him cheating on me because I never gave him a reason to cheat. There is no excuse for cheating!
3 Cardinal Rules for dating me:
1- No Cheating
2- No hitting
3- no lying...and this is the big one and most broken.
I would rather someone tell me the truth no matter how awful and painful but know the truth and get over it than be lied to and then find out the truth and hurt even more. Just me. Don't have to agree with me. That's just me.
So here I am on a Tuesday night, my day off, blogging. With a pain in my heart. THE WORST PART IS...maybe I'm overreacting! No No No I am not overreacting. I feel this way and that's it. I am entitled to feel how I want to. The only thing I might be wrong about is that he might be having a bad day with his dr appt and all. I want to be part of that though. If we are in a relationship, no matter how new, we should be able to share this. And if it's bad.....does he think I'm not gonna find out? or I'm gonna ditch him?? I want to be with him. Sick, well, cancer, no cancer I don't care. I wanna be with him. And isn't that how it should be?
Why is it that when we are sad or pissed off we blog the most and the best? Sometimes I feel like my blog is an overrated diary of some sort. But days like today it might be worth something.
Well I know for sure that I won't hear from him tonight now that it's 10:15 at night and he is surely in bed by now or out somewhere. I hope everything is okay, I truly do. Hopefully I will hear from him tomorrow. Until then and no matter what....I am still hurting.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Sunday...making up for lost time
Sunday January 31, 2010
I have been slacking off. I haven’t blogged as I should have been. I have gone a whole week withou9t blogging. I guess when I have nothing to do, I blog. But that is no excuse. I’m not sure exactly what I did on Monday. I know I did some cleaning around the house but can’t recall much else. On Tuesday it was time to take the kittens to the vet. They are ok. They got dewormed, got their rabies shots and two other immunizations, and got an antibiotic to treat Oliver’s eyes and their sour bellies. After dropping the kitties off it was time for training at Pacheco’s. We ordered pizza and then watched a video of Mark Smith on dream making. I have to make a dream board. And think big. I spoke to John from Iyishia’s and when I got home. He slept all day because he was up all night with the stomach flu. Probably got it from Mackenzie because he saw her on Saturday after she was sick Friday and Saturday.
Wednesday John took off from work. He came over and we went shopping. I feel like whenever I am with John we are shopping. We had Chinese for lunch and so I didn’t make dinner because he said he wasn’t hungry. H e forgot his clothes so he had to go home. He came back Thursday morning and we took a ride to Lake Ariel to pick up his tax information. We stopped in Dickson City to continue to look for the stuff for the capias. No luck in that department. On our way back home we stopped and did his taxes. He made 101,000 last year. I can’t even touch that. It makes me wonder what I can bring to the table. He has a house, a car, rental properties and all this other stuff. What do I ever have to offer? I can’t help but feel inadequate. I don’t know how to bring it up either. I don’t know what he thinks I make but I’m sure it’s not his expectation. Sure, I am always shopping but he sees me when I have money and I just happened to be planning a party. His birthday is Feb 3 and I have nothing for him. I don’t know that I should be expected to exchange gifts. My birthday is on the 21st and I will feel like an asshole if he gets me something and I didn’t get her something. How do I get into these messes? I over-drafted my account by mistake so I have $25 to my name until the 8th. It’s not so bad. I only have $20 for a taxi to work and then $2 for the bus. I might even take the bus to work so I can save my $20. That is if I can get my ass out of bed on Friday morning. That is doubtful. Then I get paid on that Monday that I leave work. So if I can make it through this week I will be okay. I have food and all at the house so there is really no reason for me to need any money for anything I even have garbage stickers. John is picking me up on Monday morning from work so I will be home early to catch the garbage men. How do I bring up the subject of our birthdays? I will just bring it up. What else am I going to do? Maybe he will value my honesty. I’m going to tell him I wasn’t expecting my student loans to come out of my income and I over-drafted my account. I have nothing to buy anything with. I guess that is my only option really. I just don’t want Wednesday to come around and come up empty-handed.
John stayed over on Thursday night so he could take me to work on Friday morning. Ariel had a fit of course. She wanted to sleep with me. She has been sleeping in her own bed for a little while now and of course she wanted to show her ass because John was there. Last time he stayed over she was at Iyishia’s already because they had no school on Saturday and I was off that Friday. So Ariel wasn’t affected. It doesn’t change the fact that she has to get used to sleeping in her bed and someone else sleeping in mine. He let me oversleep so I had to get ready and jet set out of the house. Walt came to pick me up with the taxi. Oops! I forgot to call him and cancel. I have to make sure I call him this week so I can get my ride.
Friday sucked at work. Mario pissed himself like every 10 minutes and had an attitude all day about exercise. It’s not my fault that he pees every ten minutes. And I mean that quite literally. I actually counted today. He peed 6 times in one hour. I couldn’t believe it. How can one man produce so much pee? Or how can one man have to pee 3 drops? He can’t hold ANYTHING! I was really annoyed. I wanted to smack him so bad. I couldn’t wait for him to go to bed so I could start over. John went to play poker and didn’t tell me good night. I wanted him to leave me a message and he said he would but he didn’t. He also said he would give me a wakeup call and he didn’t Saturday morning.
I got up on time Saturday morning. (Good thing I still set my alarm) But I was really hurt that I didn’t hear from him. I didn’t hear from him all day long. It was the most boring nerve-wrecking day. I had nothing to keep me sane during the day with no one to talk to. Finally, in the evening I heard from him. He said he played poker until 0430a and then slept all day. We texted for a little bit and as soon as I got upstairs I texted him and then tried to call but he didn’t answer. He falls asleep at the drop of a hat. It doesn’t change the fact that I was upset that I didn’t talk to him. It means a lot to me. I just wanna hear his voice. I don’t think that it’s a lot to ask. Especially when I am at work. It is my lifeline to the outside world.
Today, he woke me up but I was already up. He didn’t give me a wakeup until 7am. He said he had been up since 4am. Then why couldn’t he wake me up on time? So many questions. Questions, questions, questions. Today is not so bad except for the fact that he is peeing every ten minutes. Good Gad, I wish he didn’t have to take that Lasix. It is fierce. The morning consisted of me snoozing and infomercials until I finally changed that channel. Finally, there were movies on the regular channels that he could flip to by himself. Now we are watching Desperation by Stephen King. Still don’t really know what it is about but it’s better than the infomercials. Thank god we missed the polka show yesterday. He turned it on for a little bit but it was a band he knew and it was an old one from the Bloomsburg Fair. So he changed that channel YAY for me! I just have to make it through the next 4 hours until his bedtime and then one hour in the morning and I am done. Can’t wait to get out of here and go home and do nothing there. Actually, I think me and John are going to stay in bed all day. That was the plan. Or that is the plan I should say. I have a full body massage coming to me and we need some sex. Dirty raw twisty sweaty sex. Of course I will wear him out and he will sleep. LOL he snores! At night I can ignore it because I am medicated, but during the day I need to nap in another room. Or he does! I won’t be driven out of my room and my comfy bed.
Well I guess I am caught up now.
I have been slacking off. I haven’t blogged as I should have been. I have gone a whole week withou9t blogging. I guess when I have nothing to do, I blog. But that is no excuse. I’m not sure exactly what I did on Monday. I know I did some cleaning around the house but can’t recall much else. On Tuesday it was time to take the kittens to the vet. They are ok. They got dewormed, got their rabies shots and two other immunizations, and got an antibiotic to treat Oliver’s eyes and their sour bellies. After dropping the kitties off it was time for training at Pacheco’s. We ordered pizza and then watched a video of Mark Smith on dream making. I have to make a dream board. And think big. I spoke to John from Iyishia’s and when I got home. He slept all day because he was up all night with the stomach flu. Probably got it from Mackenzie because he saw her on Saturday after she was sick Friday and Saturday.
Wednesday John took off from work. He came over and we went shopping. I feel like whenever I am with John we are shopping. We had Chinese for lunch and so I didn’t make dinner because he said he wasn’t hungry. H e forgot his clothes so he had to go home. He came back Thursday morning and we took a ride to Lake Ariel to pick up his tax information. We stopped in Dickson City to continue to look for the stuff for the capias. No luck in that department. On our way back home we stopped and did his taxes. He made 101,000 last year. I can’t even touch that. It makes me wonder what I can bring to the table. He has a house, a car, rental properties and all this other stuff. What do I ever have to offer? I can’t help but feel inadequate. I don’t know how to bring it up either. I don’t know what he thinks I make but I’m sure it’s not his expectation. Sure, I am always shopping but he sees me when I have money and I just happened to be planning a party. His birthday is Feb 3 and I have nothing for him. I don’t know that I should be expected to exchange gifts. My birthday is on the 21st and I will feel like an asshole if he gets me something and I didn’t get her something. How do I get into these messes? I over-drafted my account by mistake so I have $25 to my name until the 8th. It’s not so bad. I only have $20 for a taxi to work and then $2 for the bus. I might even take the bus to work so I can save my $20. That is if I can get my ass out of bed on Friday morning. That is doubtful. Then I get paid on that Monday that I leave work. So if I can make it through this week I will be okay. I have food and all at the house so there is really no reason for me to need any money for anything I even have garbage stickers. John is picking me up on Monday morning from work so I will be home early to catch the garbage men. How do I bring up the subject of our birthdays? I will just bring it up. What else am I going to do? Maybe he will value my honesty. I’m going to tell him I wasn’t expecting my student loans to come out of my income and I over-drafted my account. I have nothing to buy anything with. I guess that is my only option really. I just don’t want Wednesday to come around and come up empty-handed.
John stayed over on Thursday night so he could take me to work on Friday morning. Ariel had a fit of course. She wanted to sleep with me. She has been sleeping in her own bed for a little while now and of course she wanted to show her ass because John was there. Last time he stayed over she was at Iyishia’s already because they had no school on Saturday and I was off that Friday. So Ariel wasn’t affected. It doesn’t change the fact that she has to get used to sleeping in her bed and someone else sleeping in mine. He let me oversleep so I had to get ready and jet set out of the house. Walt came to pick me up with the taxi. Oops! I forgot to call him and cancel. I have to make sure I call him this week so I can get my ride.
Friday sucked at work. Mario pissed himself like every 10 minutes and had an attitude all day about exercise. It’s not my fault that he pees every ten minutes. And I mean that quite literally. I actually counted today. He peed 6 times in one hour. I couldn’t believe it. How can one man produce so much pee? Or how can one man have to pee 3 drops? He can’t hold ANYTHING! I was really annoyed. I wanted to smack him so bad. I couldn’t wait for him to go to bed so I could start over. John went to play poker and didn’t tell me good night. I wanted him to leave me a message and he said he would but he didn’t. He also said he would give me a wakeup call and he didn’t Saturday morning.
I got up on time Saturday morning. (Good thing I still set my alarm) But I was really hurt that I didn’t hear from him. I didn’t hear from him all day long. It was the most boring nerve-wrecking day. I had nothing to keep me sane during the day with no one to talk to. Finally, in the evening I heard from him. He said he played poker until 0430a and then slept all day. We texted for a little bit and as soon as I got upstairs I texted him and then tried to call but he didn’t answer. He falls asleep at the drop of a hat. It doesn’t change the fact that I was upset that I didn’t talk to him. It means a lot to me. I just wanna hear his voice. I don’t think that it’s a lot to ask. Especially when I am at work. It is my lifeline to the outside world.
Today, he woke me up but I was already up. He didn’t give me a wakeup until 7am. He said he had been up since 4am. Then why couldn’t he wake me up on time? So many questions. Questions, questions, questions. Today is not so bad except for the fact that he is peeing every ten minutes. Good Gad, I wish he didn’t have to take that Lasix. It is fierce. The morning consisted of me snoozing and infomercials until I finally changed that channel. Finally, there were movies on the regular channels that he could flip to by himself. Now we are watching Desperation by Stephen King. Still don’t really know what it is about but it’s better than the infomercials. Thank god we missed the polka show yesterday. He turned it on for a little bit but it was a band he knew and it was an old one from the Bloomsburg Fair. So he changed that channel YAY for me! I just have to make it through the next 4 hours until his bedtime and then one hour in the morning and I am done. Can’t wait to get out of here and go home and do nothing there. Actually, I think me and John are going to stay in bed all day. That was the plan. Or that is the plan I should say. I have a full body massage coming to me and we need some sex. Dirty raw twisty sweaty sex. Of course I will wear him out and he will sleep. LOL he snores! At night I can ignore it because I am medicated, but during the day I need to nap in another room. Or he does! I won’t be driven out of my room and my comfy bed.
Well I guess I am caught up now.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday Jan 19 thru Saturday Jan 23rd
Saturday January 23, 2010
This week has been great and I know I slack off when I am with John. Tuesday when I got home, I cleaned cleaned cleaned. I cleaned Ariel’s room even though I said I wasn’t going to do it; I did it anyway. I did it because I needed to get her back to square one. Then from square one, you can maintain it from there.
When I am with John, time stands still. I dedicate my time to our relationship. We have a limited amount of time together and time apart. So, when we are together, we spend time together and nothing else. We are starting to include Ariel into our relationship. Our interactions are limited with her. Mostly, we spend our time while she is in school. We want to include Mackenzie in to mix but unfortunately, she was sick this week with the stomach flu.
But let’s start from the beginning….since I have deviated….shame on me…..
Tuesday I got home early since I asked the Old Forge bus driver to call the #12 driver (Bill) and hold him on the square so I can catch the bus. I actually made coffee at work and took a carry cup on the bus with me. I have dove right back into my caffeine habit with coffee. I am a caffeine addict and readily admit that. Like I need anything else to keep me from sleeping. No training this week with Ritchie because he was doing a training in NJ. So I cleaned the 2nd floor. I changed all my bedding, did countless loads of laundry and cleaned Ariels’ room and cleaned the bathroom. Other than that Tuesday was pretty uneventful. John was at work after 5:30pm and texted and called me intermittently. I look forward to his calls and texts. Finally, I fell asleep.
On Wednesday, of course I was tired, I cleaned the kitchen. I lost my bet on the football game last weekend so I had to cook for John. After cleaning the kitchen, I went food shopping with Iyishia. Somehow, I ended up with three ½ gallons of milk. (only later to find out one was almost empty and spoiled Saturday morning) I have been paying attention to John and so I had decided to make scallops and steak with mashed potatoes. He said he was a steak and potatoes man. He emphasized that he likes mashed potatoes. When we met and went for lunch at Red Lobster, he had scallops and mentioned they were his favorite. Now I have food in the house. Iyishia was making fun of me because she says I need to learn to make a Mac and cheese homemade. I actually like plain old blue box Kraft Mac n cheez. Always have. I made pork chops for dinner. I finally hooked up with TJ and got my back colored in. I thought it would be more pastels but it is primary colors. It still looks great but not really what I wanted. Now after having it just blackwork, I think maybe I should have just left it black. Oh well. So here is where the drama begins. I didn’t think I would ever have to deal with the subject of stealing with my daughter but apparently I did.
As we were leaving TJ’s house after my tattoo was complete, I found a brand new in the package lip gloss on the carpet. I asked Ariel about it and she said it was not hers. I know it wasn’t there before because Tj’s house was profoundly clean. I asked her repeatedly about it and she denied it and I shrugged it off but had a feeling in my gut she was lying. Maybe it was TJ’s sons’ girlfriends or something but I doubted that. When we got home, she dropped a gold lip gloss on the floor of the front room. Well now I am pissed because she lyed to me and now there is another lip gloss. Finally, she admitted she took it from CVS so off to CVS we go for a scared straight lesson. Of course the employees of CVS have a median age of 21 so I ask for the manager and out comes yet another young kid. In any event, I had to do this. So I asked them what they do to people who steal. They replied thyat they call the Plymouth Police. I asked Ariel if I should have them call the police and she said No and was crying. A lady that had just finished checking out while I waited pats me on the back and says I am a good mother. I sure hope so. All I can say is I am heartbroken. I had done the same thing when I was a kid except I stole a cool pen. Yes, a pen. I like stationary and art supplies. What can I say? I suppose every kid does it but I wasn’t prepared for it to happen just yet. Ok, so just when I think the drama has ended and I send Ariel to her room to get ready for bed, I took out the trash. On my way back into the house I spot YET ANOTHER vial of lip gloss. Now I am absolutely livid! I gave her a chance to come clean! I asked her fourteen different ways from the time we left TJ’s house if it was hers and she still didn’t come clean. So I go upstairs and face the music. I confront Ariel YET AGAIN and she finally comes clean. She better because I don’t know if I could handle anymore. I asked her what her punishment should be and she said Grounded. I asked what does grounded mean. She said no TV and no DS. I asked her for how long and she said TEN. Ten what? Ten days, months, years, weeks? Ten Days of no TV or DS. So John and I are supposed to take the girls bowling on Friday. What are we going to do? I spanked her. Seven for every year of age and 3 more for lying to me three different times. I hate spanking her and can’t recall the last time I did. I think it hurts me more than anything but what else to do? It’s the only thing that resonates inside of her. We will see.
John called and I had to calm down. He talked me down. I told him what happened and he said I have a right to be upset. I still needed to calm down. He asked if he should call back later. NO. I needed him to distract me so my blood pressure would go down. And he did. Don’t ask me what was said because I don’t even remember at this point. All I know is that I will see him on Thursday and that is probably what had me distracted. I miss my man.
I went to bed rather early. I took a nice big fat sleeping pill because I wanted to be on my best game for spending time with John. I like hearing his voice good night and then waking me up in the morning. He showed up around 10am and we hung out for a bit before going out to Ollie’s for brunch. The rest of the day is a blur until dinner. I know I helped Ariel with her homework and science project. I made scallops and Delmonico steak and homemade mashed potatoes for dinner. It came out great. I was making a wine sauce but I didn’t like how it came out so I scraped it. He didn’t have any clothes or anything so he didn’t stay. Friday was a different story.
When he came over on Friday, we had plans to take the kids bowling. Mackenzie is sick with the stomach flu so we didn’t go get her. We went to Ollie’s again for brunch and when we got back we were chilling on the couch but I would rather lay down on my bed. The rest is history. Dessert time! We went at it for a few hours and then he took a nap while I went to get Ariel. Again, I helped her with her homework and science project. I had to get stuff for the animals and stuff for Ariel’s project so we went out to get it. I bought one of those automatic watering dishes for the cats so they don’t have to drink from my bamboo plant. They are bound to break my vase and I will be pissed. Also, I bought Ringo’s food and a treat. Well, we could go bowling or call it a night. We should have called it a night. But, we went bowling anyway. There were so many little kids there running around like banchees acting stupid. It was a league night and all the kids of the league bowlers were all over the place. I couldn’t concentrate and ended up bowling a high of 50. That is horrible. Ariel beat me. She had bumpers but she still beat me. We ran into Mary Roberts at the bowling alley. One more example of how people don’t watch their kids. Adam, Heather’s boyfriend, was bowling on a league and totally wasn’t paying attention to her or her location so she stayed with us. I can’t help but feel responsible for kids. I hate to see anything bad happen to kids at the stupidity of adults.
We came home and I fed the animals and set them up for me being away for the weekend. We waited until Iyishia got home from a birthday party and dropped off Ariel and dropped off money. John stayed the night. He had clothes etc so he slept over. It was nice having a big human in bed with me. He is the first to christen my bed and man to sleep in my bed. Still, it was nice.
Woke up on time to him kissing my neck and took my shower. He made coffee for me. That’s how I want to wake up all the time. He is a pop tart in the morning. I am totally not a morning person so he will definitely carry me in the morning. He drove me to work. I didn’t want to go. I hate to think that it will be whole week until we see each other again. If I had a car I would spend more time. Even if it meant driving out to Catawissa just to sleep together and have coffee in the morning before he left for work. But here is this no car thing and it sucks. I have to pay my fines and get a new car. As soon as I get those fines paid I am going to go back to Northeast Auto Credit and get another car. I just gotta pay those fines.
Work is work and a long day it was. No physical therapy to break up the day and leave the house. So now it is nebulizer treatments and home physical therapy to break up the day. His daughter is such a bitch! I know in my heart of hearts that she means well but she needs to relax. We did exercises and all our stuff and she comes and he is in his chair. It just happens to be when she shows up that he is in his recliner. And then I gotta hear her mouth. I wonder if Earl gets it like I do. I wonder how he handles it? Earl said that his brother in law may be giving me a ride home on Monday morning. That would be great. I could be home by 8:35am. I would be willing to pay him in gas money. He has to go back to Wilkes Barre anyway! He might as well get a little cash for it. I can’t get a taxi to come and pick me up without paying outrageous prices. So, I take the bus. But if I could get a ride, that’s even better.
I had to wake Mario up to put him to bed. I spoke to John and went to bed by 9:30pm. I am starting to go to bed on time so I don’t feel so shitty in the morning. I still feel like shit today but I think it is out of boredom. I try my best to stay awake but who wants to watch someone sleep? That’s what it boils down to. John is gonna let me use his wireless card for my computer so I can do my CEU’s for my EMT license online while I am here at Mario’s house. That would be great. It leaves my options open. I know that Arlene, Mario’s daughter, doesn’t want to see him in the hospital or a nursing home, but if he declines and does get admitted I need to have options. Hopefully, it won’t come to that until minimum April because then I can get my CNA training and my options will be open for real. I want my EMT license reinstated though. I want lots of options.
So I guess we are caught up now. Until tomorrow….
This week has been great and I know I slack off when I am with John. Tuesday when I got home, I cleaned cleaned cleaned. I cleaned Ariel’s room even though I said I wasn’t going to do it; I did it anyway. I did it because I needed to get her back to square one. Then from square one, you can maintain it from there.
When I am with John, time stands still. I dedicate my time to our relationship. We have a limited amount of time together and time apart. So, when we are together, we spend time together and nothing else. We are starting to include Ariel into our relationship. Our interactions are limited with her. Mostly, we spend our time while she is in school. We want to include Mackenzie in to mix but unfortunately, she was sick this week with the stomach flu.
But let’s start from the beginning….since I have deviated….shame on me…..
Tuesday I got home early since I asked the Old Forge bus driver to call the #12 driver (Bill) and hold him on the square so I can catch the bus. I actually made coffee at work and took a carry cup on the bus with me. I have dove right back into my caffeine habit with coffee. I am a caffeine addict and readily admit that. Like I need anything else to keep me from sleeping. No training this week with Ritchie because he was doing a training in NJ. So I cleaned the 2nd floor. I changed all my bedding, did countless loads of laundry and cleaned Ariels’ room and cleaned the bathroom. Other than that Tuesday was pretty uneventful. John was at work after 5:30pm and texted and called me intermittently. I look forward to his calls and texts. Finally, I fell asleep.
On Wednesday, of course I was tired, I cleaned the kitchen. I lost my bet on the football game last weekend so I had to cook for John. After cleaning the kitchen, I went food shopping with Iyishia. Somehow, I ended up with three ½ gallons of milk. (only later to find out one was almost empty and spoiled Saturday morning) I have been paying attention to John and so I had decided to make scallops and steak with mashed potatoes. He said he was a steak and potatoes man. He emphasized that he likes mashed potatoes. When we met and went for lunch at Red Lobster, he had scallops and mentioned they were his favorite. Now I have food in the house. Iyishia was making fun of me because she says I need to learn to make a Mac and cheese homemade. I actually like plain old blue box Kraft Mac n cheez. Always have. I made pork chops for dinner. I finally hooked up with TJ and got my back colored in. I thought it would be more pastels but it is primary colors. It still looks great but not really what I wanted. Now after having it just blackwork, I think maybe I should have just left it black. Oh well. So here is where the drama begins. I didn’t think I would ever have to deal with the subject of stealing with my daughter but apparently I did.
As we were leaving TJ’s house after my tattoo was complete, I found a brand new in the package lip gloss on the carpet. I asked Ariel about it and she said it was not hers. I know it wasn’t there before because Tj’s house was profoundly clean. I asked her repeatedly about it and she denied it and I shrugged it off but had a feeling in my gut she was lying. Maybe it was TJ’s sons’ girlfriends or something but I doubted that. When we got home, she dropped a gold lip gloss on the floor of the front room. Well now I am pissed because she lyed to me and now there is another lip gloss. Finally, she admitted she took it from CVS so off to CVS we go for a scared straight lesson. Of course the employees of CVS have a median age of 21 so I ask for the manager and out comes yet another young kid. In any event, I had to do this. So I asked them what they do to people who steal. They replied thyat they call the Plymouth Police. I asked Ariel if I should have them call the police and she said No and was crying. A lady that had just finished checking out while I waited pats me on the back and says I am a good mother. I sure hope so. All I can say is I am heartbroken. I had done the same thing when I was a kid except I stole a cool pen. Yes, a pen. I like stationary and art supplies. What can I say? I suppose every kid does it but I wasn’t prepared for it to happen just yet. Ok, so just when I think the drama has ended and I send Ariel to her room to get ready for bed, I took out the trash. On my way back into the house I spot YET ANOTHER vial of lip gloss. Now I am absolutely livid! I gave her a chance to come clean! I asked her fourteen different ways from the time we left TJ’s house if it was hers and she still didn’t come clean. So I go upstairs and face the music. I confront Ariel YET AGAIN and she finally comes clean. She better because I don’t know if I could handle anymore. I asked her what her punishment should be and she said Grounded. I asked what does grounded mean. She said no TV and no DS. I asked her for how long and she said TEN. Ten what? Ten days, months, years, weeks? Ten Days of no TV or DS. So John and I are supposed to take the girls bowling on Friday. What are we going to do? I spanked her. Seven for every year of age and 3 more for lying to me three different times. I hate spanking her and can’t recall the last time I did. I think it hurts me more than anything but what else to do? It’s the only thing that resonates inside of her. We will see.
John called and I had to calm down. He talked me down. I told him what happened and he said I have a right to be upset. I still needed to calm down. He asked if he should call back later. NO. I needed him to distract me so my blood pressure would go down. And he did. Don’t ask me what was said because I don’t even remember at this point. All I know is that I will see him on Thursday and that is probably what had me distracted. I miss my man.
I went to bed rather early. I took a nice big fat sleeping pill because I wanted to be on my best game for spending time with John. I like hearing his voice good night and then waking me up in the morning. He showed up around 10am and we hung out for a bit before going out to Ollie’s for brunch. The rest of the day is a blur until dinner. I know I helped Ariel with her homework and science project. I made scallops and Delmonico steak and homemade mashed potatoes for dinner. It came out great. I was making a wine sauce but I didn’t like how it came out so I scraped it. He didn’t have any clothes or anything so he didn’t stay. Friday was a different story.
When he came over on Friday, we had plans to take the kids bowling. Mackenzie is sick with the stomach flu so we didn’t go get her. We went to Ollie’s again for brunch and when we got back we were chilling on the couch but I would rather lay down on my bed. The rest is history. Dessert time! We went at it for a few hours and then he took a nap while I went to get Ariel. Again, I helped her with her homework and science project. I had to get stuff for the animals and stuff for Ariel’s project so we went out to get it. I bought one of those automatic watering dishes for the cats so they don’t have to drink from my bamboo plant. They are bound to break my vase and I will be pissed. Also, I bought Ringo’s food and a treat. Well, we could go bowling or call it a night. We should have called it a night. But, we went bowling anyway. There were so many little kids there running around like banchees acting stupid. It was a league night and all the kids of the league bowlers were all over the place. I couldn’t concentrate and ended up bowling a high of 50. That is horrible. Ariel beat me. She had bumpers but she still beat me. We ran into Mary Roberts at the bowling alley. One more example of how people don’t watch their kids. Adam, Heather’s boyfriend, was bowling on a league and totally wasn’t paying attention to her or her location so she stayed with us. I can’t help but feel responsible for kids. I hate to see anything bad happen to kids at the stupidity of adults.
We came home and I fed the animals and set them up for me being away for the weekend. We waited until Iyishia got home from a birthday party and dropped off Ariel and dropped off money. John stayed the night. He had clothes etc so he slept over. It was nice having a big human in bed with me. He is the first to christen my bed and man to sleep in my bed. Still, it was nice.
Woke up on time to him kissing my neck and took my shower. He made coffee for me. That’s how I want to wake up all the time. He is a pop tart in the morning. I am totally not a morning person so he will definitely carry me in the morning. He drove me to work. I didn’t want to go. I hate to think that it will be whole week until we see each other again. If I had a car I would spend more time. Even if it meant driving out to Catawissa just to sleep together and have coffee in the morning before he left for work. But here is this no car thing and it sucks. I have to pay my fines and get a new car. As soon as I get those fines paid I am going to go back to Northeast Auto Credit and get another car. I just gotta pay those fines.
Work is work and a long day it was. No physical therapy to break up the day and leave the house. So now it is nebulizer treatments and home physical therapy to break up the day. His daughter is such a bitch! I know in my heart of hearts that she means well but she needs to relax. We did exercises and all our stuff and she comes and he is in his chair. It just happens to be when she shows up that he is in his recliner. And then I gotta hear her mouth. I wonder if Earl gets it like I do. I wonder how he handles it? Earl said that his brother in law may be giving me a ride home on Monday morning. That would be great. I could be home by 8:35am. I would be willing to pay him in gas money. He has to go back to Wilkes Barre anyway! He might as well get a little cash for it. I can’t get a taxi to come and pick me up without paying outrageous prices. So, I take the bus. But if I could get a ride, that’s even better.
I had to wake Mario up to put him to bed. I spoke to John and went to bed by 9:30pm. I am starting to go to bed on time so I don’t feel so shitty in the morning. I still feel like shit today but I think it is out of boredom. I try my best to stay awake but who wants to watch someone sleep? That’s what it boils down to. John is gonna let me use his wireless card for my computer so I can do my CEU’s for my EMT license online while I am here at Mario’s house. That would be great. It leaves my options open. I know that Arlene, Mario’s daughter, doesn’t want to see him in the hospital or a nursing home, but if he declines and does get admitted I need to have options. Hopefully, it won’t come to that until minimum April because then I can get my CNA training and my options will be open for real. I want my EMT license reinstated though. I want lots of options.
So I guess we are caught up now. Until tomorrow….
Monday, January 18, 2010
Kings and Queens
She wakes to love’s light
Shining through the panes aglow
The radiant gleam in her eyes
Looks passionately into his smile
The miles of kings in between
Form beds of distance afar
The closeness is apparent
It’s only a short way to go
The path we walk is unclear
The road less traveled
This is a mission I chose willingly
Only happiness to know
Shining through the panes aglow
The radiant gleam in her eyes
Looks passionately into his smile
The miles of kings in between
Form beds of distance afar
The closeness is apparent
It’s only a short way to go
The path we walk is unclear
The road less traveled
This is a mission I chose willingly
Only happiness to know
Breaking Dawn
Mindless drones roaming content
Happy with goalless days
Work home work sleep
The completeness of his days
Chose a life
Make your destination
No the highway
He drove
Who is he?
Why there?
When did the steering wheel
Leave my hands
I am here
But where
Right here see my hand
A raised flag of existence
Please spot me over here
Break free from the hive
Catch me if you can
Happy with goalless days
Work home work sleep
The completeness of his days
Chose a life
Make your destination
No the highway
He drove
Who is he?
Why there?
When did the steering wheel
Leave my hands
I am here
But where
Right here see my hand
A raised flag of existence
Please spot me over here
Break free from the hive
Catch me if you can
Last day....
Monday January 18, 2010
Well we woke up late. John didn’t wake me up until 6:45am. I snoozed for a little while but I was downstairs by 7:15am. I still love to hear his voice even if it was late. John said he is getting sick. He did mention last night that he felt like he had the chills and actually slept in his bed and not the couch. I was surprised. I wish I was in bed. On the contrary, I had to take off my undershirt that I usually wear under my scrubs because I feel like I’m on fire. I am constantly sweating and feel hot.
Mario was a mess this morning. I guess his stomach is not done doing flips. One more day. Just one more day. Less than 24 hours and I will be home. The office called me today. They want me to service Mike on Wednesday. I don’t feel like working on my days off. Especially in the middle of my days off. I leave at 9:10am and get there at 11am only to return home by maybe 4pm sometimes 5pm. That my whole day for 3 hours of service. His service doesn’t take 3 hours and I am stuck there. I would rather stick to my Mario and enjoy my days off. I can’t wait until Thursday and see John.
So far so good today at work. I made it to lunch. If I can make it through dinner the rest is cake. I cant believe that my client is watching Jerry Springer. They must have a farm that they grow these losers on. Where the hell do they find these people? How could these people want to degrade themselves on TV? If they want to fight, go home and fight! Why do you have to come on TV to come and fight? The best part is the audience who make crude comments on these people and then want to get in to fights with these people as well! Why get involved with their craziness? I am not in need for drama. I love my little quiet life. Some may say Im boring but boring is safe. Boring lets me sleep at night. I enjoy stability.
I have to do my nails when I get home. I know that is just a random thought but so if my life. I want to buy a new color. I have been sporting the same colors for a while now and they are even running out so it’s time to get new polishes. I feel like going to get my eyebrows waxed as well. I haven’t been professionally waxed in a long time. Aren’t I just full of ideas today?
What’s for dinner? I dunno. I am so bored of food. I lost the football bet so I have to make dinner for John. He said he is a meat and potatoes kind of guy. When we went to Red Lobster he really enjoyed the scallops so I think I am going to get some nice filet mignon and some scallops and make some homemade mashed potatoes with cheddar and bacon on top. I will make some biscuits too. That sounds like a plan. I can enjoy that too. I haven’t had some good steak in a long while never mind some filet mignon. I figure it will be good. I will wrap some bacon around it and pan sear it then put it in the oven til the desired doneness. The scallops can be made the same way so they have a nice crust on them. Now I just need to think of a vegetable? I will have to ask what kind of vegetables he likes. We are pretty much open to any kind of vegetables. I haven’t cooked a full meal in a long time. It will be nice to cook for someone again. I really enjoy cooking but it’s kind of useless to only cook for me.
Anyway, moving on…It’s 1:15pm and now we are watching America’s Funniest Home Videos again. I suppose anything is better than the alternatives of judge shows and argumentative nobodys on tv talking about completely irrelevant crap.
Mario’s grandkids came over to cut his hair. He had some serious outrageously long hair in the front and some crazy bed head going on in the back. At least it breaks up my day. He actually has the TV on a channel that has George Lopez and My name is Earl. I need some distractions. It’s 2:50pm and I am crazy bored. 17 hours to go.
Ok I finally had to change the TV to TNT and Law and Order. I couldn’t take it anymore! He isn’t watching it! He is snoring off the excitement of his haircut. I tried to get him to exercise today and he didn’t want to. What am I supposed to do? Roll him into the corner and leave him there until he does pulley exercises.
I finally heard from John. I was starting to get worried. I know he wasn’t feeling well and was sleeping it off but it was getting late. He has to be at work by 5:30pm and didn’t hear from him until 4:15pm. I was worried that he would sleep right through his alarms or even his shift. He said he is feeling better. Good! I’m glad. I would hate for anything to put a damper on our plans for Thursday. 15 hours to go…It’s pretty sad that I am counting by the hours and the minutes until I get to go home. I have had enough piss and poop and fashion star wardrobe changes. I’m just done.
Sleeping beauty slept for like 4 hours straight. I don’t know how he is gonna sleep tonight when he slept the day away. I don’t care I just put him to bed, got my shower and now I’m ready to talk to the boy and go to bed. Less than 12 hours! I did write two poems today. I had to do something with all my free time. Post will follow…
Well we woke up late. John didn’t wake me up until 6:45am. I snoozed for a little while but I was downstairs by 7:15am. I still love to hear his voice even if it was late. John said he is getting sick. He did mention last night that he felt like he had the chills and actually slept in his bed and not the couch. I was surprised. I wish I was in bed. On the contrary, I had to take off my undershirt that I usually wear under my scrubs because I feel like I’m on fire. I am constantly sweating and feel hot.
Mario was a mess this morning. I guess his stomach is not done doing flips. One more day. Just one more day. Less than 24 hours and I will be home. The office called me today. They want me to service Mike on Wednesday. I don’t feel like working on my days off. Especially in the middle of my days off. I leave at 9:10am and get there at 11am only to return home by maybe 4pm sometimes 5pm. That my whole day for 3 hours of service. His service doesn’t take 3 hours and I am stuck there. I would rather stick to my Mario and enjoy my days off. I can’t wait until Thursday and see John.
So far so good today at work. I made it to lunch. If I can make it through dinner the rest is cake. I cant believe that my client is watching Jerry Springer. They must have a farm that they grow these losers on. Where the hell do they find these people? How could these people want to degrade themselves on TV? If they want to fight, go home and fight! Why do you have to come on TV to come and fight? The best part is the audience who make crude comments on these people and then want to get in to fights with these people as well! Why get involved with their craziness? I am not in need for drama. I love my little quiet life. Some may say Im boring but boring is safe. Boring lets me sleep at night. I enjoy stability.
I have to do my nails when I get home. I know that is just a random thought but so if my life. I want to buy a new color. I have been sporting the same colors for a while now and they are even running out so it’s time to get new polishes. I feel like going to get my eyebrows waxed as well. I haven’t been professionally waxed in a long time. Aren’t I just full of ideas today?
What’s for dinner? I dunno. I am so bored of food. I lost the football bet so I have to make dinner for John. He said he is a meat and potatoes kind of guy. When we went to Red Lobster he really enjoyed the scallops so I think I am going to get some nice filet mignon and some scallops and make some homemade mashed potatoes with cheddar and bacon on top. I will make some biscuits too. That sounds like a plan. I can enjoy that too. I haven’t had some good steak in a long while never mind some filet mignon. I figure it will be good. I will wrap some bacon around it and pan sear it then put it in the oven til the desired doneness. The scallops can be made the same way so they have a nice crust on them. Now I just need to think of a vegetable? I will have to ask what kind of vegetables he likes. We are pretty much open to any kind of vegetables. I haven’t cooked a full meal in a long time. It will be nice to cook for someone again. I really enjoy cooking but it’s kind of useless to only cook for me.
Anyway, moving on…It’s 1:15pm and now we are watching America’s Funniest Home Videos again. I suppose anything is better than the alternatives of judge shows and argumentative nobodys on tv talking about completely irrelevant crap.
Mario’s grandkids came over to cut his hair. He had some serious outrageously long hair in the front and some crazy bed head going on in the back. At least it breaks up my day. He actually has the TV on a channel that has George Lopez and My name is Earl. I need some distractions. It’s 2:50pm and I am crazy bored. 17 hours to go.
Ok I finally had to change the TV to TNT and Law and Order. I couldn’t take it anymore! He isn’t watching it! He is snoring off the excitement of his haircut. I tried to get him to exercise today and he didn’t want to. What am I supposed to do? Roll him into the corner and leave him there until he does pulley exercises.
I finally heard from John. I was starting to get worried. I know he wasn’t feeling well and was sleeping it off but it was getting late. He has to be at work by 5:30pm and didn’t hear from him until 4:15pm. I was worried that he would sleep right through his alarms or even his shift. He said he is feeling better. Good! I’m glad. I would hate for anything to put a damper on our plans for Thursday. 15 hours to go…It’s pretty sad that I am counting by the hours and the minutes until I get to go home. I have had enough piss and poop and fashion star wardrobe changes. I’m just done.
Sleeping beauty slept for like 4 hours straight. I don’t know how he is gonna sleep tonight when he slept the day away. I don’t care I just put him to bed, got my shower and now I’m ready to talk to the boy and go to bed. Less than 12 hours! I did write two poems today. I had to do something with all my free time. Post will follow…
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Sunday Football Day
Sunday Jan 17,2010
I woke up to the sound of his voice. Came downstairs to find my client, Mario, sitting straight upright. He found the remote to put his head up and got stuck in the upright position for who knows how long! I hope it wasn’t very long. I had to laugh though. He is feeling a little better than yesterday but keeps going to the bathroom. Well, that was his demise. I think he has a stomach virus because he has been shitting his brains out. Explosively! Good grief! He really did it to me today! One more day….One more day closer to John. Trying for that to be my mantra.
We are actually watching the football game. After watching all those MSNBC and WVIA shows with all those dopes arguing about nothingness, it is such a relief! John is watching the game at home. Somehow, it makes me feel closer to him. I am becoming a wussy female and I am not sure if I like that or not. Minnesota is kicking the Cowboys asses. Good! Brett Favre is on fire with Rice on the receiving end. 3 touchdown game by Rice and two field goals. Only a little bit left of this game. Cowboys have basically no chance of winning this game. They scored those 3 points in the first quarter and nothing since.
Ariel has been calling me nonstop all day. Well first it was just to say hello. Then it was the drama. I guess Ritchie got tired of looking at the girls playing their Ds’s and told the girls to put them up and go read a book. Well, that started it. Don’t tell Ariel she can’t play her DS or she is going to have a stroke. Why should she be “punished” when she didn’t do anything wrong to get her DS taken away. She reads at home and plays all she wants at home. Some of the games she actually has to read the stories! Well that was just the beginning…
Vikings with less than 2 minutes to go have 33-3 lead. Cowboys don’t have a chance! 4 touchdown game!
Ok back to Ariel’s drama…So, then I guess the girls got to playing loudly and not reading so Iyishia yelled at them that they weren’t reading and somewhere in the mix, Kaylynn yoked up Ariel and she made Ariel cry choking her. I am sure it was just playing but it got rough and Ariel was upset about the whole DS thing to begin with. So Iyishia said no more DS playing today and if they keep it up no DS playing tomorrow. Well, that sent Ariel into a tizzy and calling me to intervene. I asked Iyishia what the hell was going on over there and she told me the story. All of this could have been avoided if Ritchie didn’t bring up the whole reading thing. Ariel has her science project due on the 29th of January and I tried to redirect her towards her chipmunk book and reading up on the subject so we could do her science project when I come home. We will see how this whole DS thing pans out. Ariel is not used to someone else handing out the discipline when it comes to her DS. Sit her down, tell her no tv and go play, send her to bed…don’t mess with her DS.
Well, the Vikings have won the game final score being 33-3.
Ariel called me again. This time she had good news for me. Her little snaggletooth fell out. She said she was playing with Alicia and somehow (I don’t know how) hit her mouth and her tooth popped out. I told her to put it in a sandwich bag and put it in her luggage. She said she had to put it under her pillow and so I still told her to put it in a sandwich bag and then put it under there so she doesn’t lose it. Maybe Iyishia will give her a dollar. I give her a dollar. I will give her two this time since she was away from home if she doesn’t get anything from the Atherton tooth fairy.
Anyway, John is going to one of his friend’s houses to watch the Jets vs. Chargers game. I texted him and hopefully he will get it and call me and leave a voicemail so I can hear his voice. It makes me happy. He probably thinks I am a royal pain in the ass. But then again, maybe not. We will see. I will leave him alone while he is at his friends’ house. I am not that stupid. He will text me when he gets home. I will talk to him before I go to bed. So, back to being bored. Hopefully, I will get to see some of the Chargers game. There is really not anything on tv on the other channels. There are not even any good movies on TNT or TBS. He can’t wait until 60 minutes. That doesn’t come on until 8pm. Hopefully, I will be liberated by then. Please go to sleep early! Just one more day….one more day.
Well I got stuck watching Pennsylvania Outdoor Life (kill me now!) and then America’s Funniest Home Videos. That is semi-bearable. Now is 60 minutes time. I know it sounds crass but I am just about done hearing about Haiti. I understand that they are a third world nation and they are suffering but we are suffering too and now we are sending all this aide! Who is helping us? Who is helping our homeless and indigent? We are a super-power yet we are being crippled from the inside. We need to take care of our own people before we can help others. There are people who need food stamps and medical care. There are people who are unemployed and receive no unemployment insurance (like I was a few months ago). We have a shortage of nurses and doctors and now we are sending them to Haiti. Do these doctors volunteer for this stuff? Do they think they are going to save the world? One country at a time? I have a great respect for Doctors without borders. I wish I could participate in that program. Do I want to be knee deep in shit like those people are in Haiti? Not quite. I have a bittersweet appreciation for these situations. I want to help but I want help for Americans as well.
Now we wait for the boy. Ariel finally calmed down and Iyishia is a big softie and let the girls have their DSs back. I am glad or she is going to have crazy kids on her hands. Screw Ritchie! He can play around on the computer or talk to his trick on his iPhone but don’t mess with 2 seven-year-olds and their DSs. I am glad the girls have calmed down. They get along a lot better when they are both enraptured by their DSs. Now, we just need to get Kaylynn one and the trio will be complete. Apparently she knows how to play at the wee age of four.
Spoke to the boy before bed. Of course, I am tired and yawninf but can’t sleep so I took the great chance in seeing if I had internet access and I am capitalizing on it to post my blogs. I am keeping my commitment but when I am at work, the wifi is a little sketchy. Can’t wait til Thursday! One more day….One more day and I go home….
I woke up to the sound of his voice. Came downstairs to find my client, Mario, sitting straight upright. He found the remote to put his head up and got stuck in the upright position for who knows how long! I hope it wasn’t very long. I had to laugh though. He is feeling a little better than yesterday but keeps going to the bathroom. Well, that was his demise. I think he has a stomach virus because he has been shitting his brains out. Explosively! Good grief! He really did it to me today! One more day….One more day closer to John. Trying for that to be my mantra.
We are actually watching the football game. After watching all those MSNBC and WVIA shows with all those dopes arguing about nothingness, it is such a relief! John is watching the game at home. Somehow, it makes me feel closer to him. I am becoming a wussy female and I am not sure if I like that or not. Minnesota is kicking the Cowboys asses. Good! Brett Favre is on fire with Rice on the receiving end. 3 touchdown game by Rice and two field goals. Only a little bit left of this game. Cowboys have basically no chance of winning this game. They scored those 3 points in the first quarter and nothing since.
Ariel has been calling me nonstop all day. Well first it was just to say hello. Then it was the drama. I guess Ritchie got tired of looking at the girls playing their Ds’s and told the girls to put them up and go read a book. Well, that started it. Don’t tell Ariel she can’t play her DS or she is going to have a stroke. Why should she be “punished” when she didn’t do anything wrong to get her DS taken away. She reads at home and plays all she wants at home. Some of the games she actually has to read the stories! Well that was just the beginning…
Vikings with less than 2 minutes to go have 33-3 lead. Cowboys don’t have a chance! 4 touchdown game!
Ok back to Ariel’s drama…So, then I guess the girls got to playing loudly and not reading so Iyishia yelled at them that they weren’t reading and somewhere in the mix, Kaylynn yoked up Ariel and she made Ariel cry choking her. I am sure it was just playing but it got rough and Ariel was upset about the whole DS thing to begin with. So Iyishia said no more DS playing today and if they keep it up no DS playing tomorrow. Well, that sent Ariel into a tizzy and calling me to intervene. I asked Iyishia what the hell was going on over there and she told me the story. All of this could have been avoided if Ritchie didn’t bring up the whole reading thing. Ariel has her science project due on the 29th of January and I tried to redirect her towards her chipmunk book and reading up on the subject so we could do her science project when I come home. We will see how this whole DS thing pans out. Ariel is not used to someone else handing out the discipline when it comes to her DS. Sit her down, tell her no tv and go play, send her to bed…don’t mess with her DS.
Well, the Vikings have won the game final score being 33-3.
Ariel called me again. This time she had good news for me. Her little snaggletooth fell out. She said she was playing with Alicia and somehow (I don’t know how) hit her mouth and her tooth popped out. I told her to put it in a sandwich bag and put it in her luggage. She said she had to put it under her pillow and so I still told her to put it in a sandwich bag and then put it under there so she doesn’t lose it. Maybe Iyishia will give her a dollar. I give her a dollar. I will give her two this time since she was away from home if she doesn’t get anything from the Atherton tooth fairy.
Anyway, John is going to one of his friend’s houses to watch the Jets vs. Chargers game. I texted him and hopefully he will get it and call me and leave a voicemail so I can hear his voice. It makes me happy. He probably thinks I am a royal pain in the ass. But then again, maybe not. We will see. I will leave him alone while he is at his friends’ house. I am not that stupid. He will text me when he gets home. I will talk to him before I go to bed. So, back to being bored. Hopefully, I will get to see some of the Chargers game. There is really not anything on tv on the other channels. There are not even any good movies on TNT or TBS. He can’t wait until 60 minutes. That doesn’t come on until 8pm. Hopefully, I will be liberated by then. Please go to sleep early! Just one more day….one more day.
Well I got stuck watching Pennsylvania Outdoor Life (kill me now!) and then America’s Funniest Home Videos. That is semi-bearable. Now is 60 minutes time. I know it sounds crass but I am just about done hearing about Haiti. I understand that they are a third world nation and they are suffering but we are suffering too and now we are sending all this aide! Who is helping us? Who is helping our homeless and indigent? We are a super-power yet we are being crippled from the inside. We need to take care of our own people before we can help others. There are people who need food stamps and medical care. There are people who are unemployed and receive no unemployment insurance (like I was a few months ago). We have a shortage of nurses and doctors and now we are sending them to Haiti. Do these doctors volunteer for this stuff? Do they think they are going to save the world? One country at a time? I have a great respect for Doctors without borders. I wish I could participate in that program. Do I want to be knee deep in shit like those people are in Haiti? Not quite. I have a bittersweet appreciation for these situations. I want to help but I want help for Americans as well.
Now we wait for the boy. Ariel finally calmed down and Iyishia is a big softie and let the girls have their DSs back. I am glad or she is going to have crazy kids on her hands. Screw Ritchie! He can play around on the computer or talk to his trick on his iPhone but don’t mess with 2 seven-year-olds and their DSs. I am glad the girls have calmed down. They get along a lot better when they are both enraptured by their DSs. Now, we just need to get Kaylynn one and the trio will be complete. Apparently she knows how to play at the wee age of four.
Spoke to the boy before bed. Of course, I am tired and yawninf but can’t sleep so I took the great chance in seeing if I had internet access and I am capitalizing on it to post my blogs. I am keeping my commitment but when I am at work, the wifi is a little sketchy. Can’t wait til Thursday! One more day….One more day and I go home….
Saturday's Blog
Saturday Jan 16, 2010
Well it’s Saturday and I still have 2 days to go. I really hate extended stays. But I will have Friday off to spend time with John. I keep telling myself that over and over. I’m doing this for Friday. I woke up to the sound of his voice. Yay! He called a little late but it doesn’t matter. I was still downstairs by 7am.
I can t get my blogs to post and it is really getting to me. I can’t get some wireless service to save my life. I hate when I am all set to go and can’t get things done. John has texted me during the day not as much as usual but I think it’s because #1 he was busy and #2 I told him that Mario wasn’t feeling well and he didn’t want to disturb me. He said he was going through Dory withdrawls. So cute. He misses me. I miss him too. It’s going to be a long week. 2 more days. 2 more days.
Ariel is going through Mommy withdrawls. She started calling me last night. Everyone was asleep and she had too much time on her hands and started thinking. Iyishia said the girls were chit chatting too much and she separated them and then Ariel was alone. My poor baby. She call me first thing in the morning when she woke up and has been calling me ever since. I only answer the phone half the time. She doesn’t understand I can’t be sitting on the phone all day. It’s unprofessional. So she started texting me. But she is funny. She texts me and then she calls me to see if I got her text. Lol.
Mario hasn’t been feeling well since last night. He has pretty much slept in his chair all day. He didn’t finish breakfast and only ate some lunchmeat at lunchtime. His daughter Arlene came to see him and pick up the shopping list. I told her the situation and of course when she says to eat something then he listens. H e attempted to eat some soup but he didn’t finish that either. But it was enough to take his insulin so that’s good. I had to change the tv while he was sleeping because if I actually had to watch any more infomercials I think I was going to lose my mind.
Well I got to text John later in the day when things slowed down for him at work and then when he went home. He told me I was beautiful and that my glasses are fine. I had told him I would wear my contacts for him and he said no. He said when he misses me he looks at my picture. I told him that’s why I asked him to leave me a voicemail so I can listen to his voice. I have to take other pix of him or pics of us together so we can have them. I wish we could find one of those photo booths and take pix there. That would be cool and split them. He told me he was very happy and hasn’t been this way in a long time and everyday he can’t wait to hear from me. I haven’t felt this happy in a long time. I think I blogged about it before…how I haven’t felt giddy since before my husband and that’s a long time. It’s a nice feeling. It’s even better when you know that those feelings are reciprocated. I hope I didn’t lose yesterday’s blog. I didn’t write it in word like this one. It’s on the website and I can’t get on the wireless so I hope I don’t lose it because that is gonna suck because lord knows at this point I don’t even remember what I wrote to duplicate it. I have all posts saved except Thursday. If my thoughts have not been recorded in Thursdays blog then I will get into it tomorrow or whenever I can check Thursday’s blog.
Well it’s Saturday and I still have 2 days to go. I really hate extended stays. But I will have Friday off to spend time with John. I keep telling myself that over and over. I’m doing this for Friday. I woke up to the sound of his voice. Yay! He called a little late but it doesn’t matter. I was still downstairs by 7am.
I can t get my blogs to post and it is really getting to me. I can’t get some wireless service to save my life. I hate when I am all set to go and can’t get things done. John has texted me during the day not as much as usual but I think it’s because #1 he was busy and #2 I told him that Mario wasn’t feeling well and he didn’t want to disturb me. He said he was going through Dory withdrawls. So cute. He misses me. I miss him too. It’s going to be a long week. 2 more days. 2 more days.
Ariel is going through Mommy withdrawls. She started calling me last night. Everyone was asleep and she had too much time on her hands and started thinking. Iyishia said the girls were chit chatting too much and she separated them and then Ariel was alone. My poor baby. She call me first thing in the morning when she woke up and has been calling me ever since. I only answer the phone half the time. She doesn’t understand I can’t be sitting on the phone all day. It’s unprofessional. So she started texting me. But she is funny. She texts me and then she calls me to see if I got her text. Lol.
Mario hasn’t been feeling well since last night. He has pretty much slept in his chair all day. He didn’t finish breakfast and only ate some lunchmeat at lunchtime. His daughter Arlene came to see him and pick up the shopping list. I told her the situation and of course when she says to eat something then he listens. H e attempted to eat some soup but he didn’t finish that either. But it was enough to take his insulin so that’s good. I had to change the tv while he was sleeping because if I actually had to watch any more infomercials I think I was going to lose my mind.
Well I got to text John later in the day when things slowed down for him at work and then when he went home. He told me I was beautiful and that my glasses are fine. I had told him I would wear my contacts for him and he said no. He said when he misses me he looks at my picture. I told him that’s why I asked him to leave me a voicemail so I can listen to his voice. I have to take other pix of him or pics of us together so we can have them. I wish we could find one of those photo booths and take pix there. That would be cool and split them. He told me he was very happy and hasn’t been this way in a long time and everyday he can’t wait to hear from me. I haven’t felt this happy in a long time. I think I blogged about it before…how I haven’t felt giddy since before my husband and that’s a long time. It’s a nice feeling. It’s even better when you know that those feelings are reciprocated. I hope I didn’t lose yesterday’s blog. I didn’t write it in word like this one. It’s on the website and I can’t get on the wireless so I hope I don’t lose it because that is gonna suck because lord knows at this point I don’t even remember what I wrote to duplicate it. I have all posts saved except Thursday. If my thoughts have not been recorded in Thursdays blog then I will get into it tomorrow or whenever I can check Thursday’s blog.
Friday January 15, 2010 First day back....
I know some of my posts are in a kinda screwy order but at least I did them. I just posted them weird which is why I put the dates on them just in case anyone is actually followin me and keeping up with the pace!
I woke up to the sound of John's voice. I actually got up too. I called right away for my taxi. Walt now has a standing order for my Friday morning taxi. I was on time for work. Every Friday I am sooo tired even though I went to bed on time and fell asleep fairly quickly.
Mario is having a rough day today. Physical thereapy is really pushing him because his last session is Wednesday next week and they wanna make the most out of the time he has left. So he was one tired guy. Didn't help that his sugar was wacky today because transportation showed up early and he was still eating his lunch and we were rushing so he didn't get his insulin shot til after we got home and I think the change in routine sent him into a tizzy. He was still feeling like shit when I put him to bed. He couldn't even make it to the bathroom so I had to clean him up before bed. I'm hoping he didn't pull a muscle in his stomach because I have done that and the results are not pretty at least for a week. And I'm here til tuesday so I don't wanna hear that!
John had a busy day at work. He says day shift is always busy and meetings, and bosses and all that is on day shift but I actually got to talk to him while Mario was at therapy for about 10 minutes which is nice. I have it bad and I know it. I can honestly say I haven't been smitten like this for anyone since Steven and that's over 12 years ago. I don't think I was even this giddy with my husband. With James we just kinda fell into a routine and with that routine was marriage. We never had a courtship or the anticipation of dating. With Ariel's father we ran in the same circles at work and I think it was more lust than anything else. And after I came off the road it was mistrust and lust. I can't wait to talk to John. I look forward to hearing his voice. I stare at the clock and wonder where exactly on his journey to my house he is at. I hate to see him go or that last kiss. I don't want to stop kissing him. I got it bad and readily admit it. For those of you that may be following me I'm sure you are tired of hearing about John and I'm sorry but that's the best thing my life has going at the moment.
He made me a voicemail at my request. Its so I can hear his voice whenever I want when I miss him. I can't believe he actually indulged me. I'm glad he did. My girlfriend Nona from college was not the smartest of apples on the tree, but had this little gem. She said "if he is not willing...then he is not worthy." and I have lived by that since then. I have had people scoff at the gem but you know what? they are not worthy if they would even question it. He drives from Catawissa all the time to see me. Misses me when we are apart. Calls me whenever we can. Listens when I speak. Has a genuine interest in my day or happenings even how trivial they may be. And he is willing to do all this. So, for me, he is worthy. I wish I had a car because I would drive out there just to kiss him goodnight and tuck him in. I would go there before he got off from work and make dinner and pack his lunch for the next day. I would do all those things. He has to work Monday night and forgot that me and Earl swapped out days and he was going to drive out before work just to see me for a little bit. But we have 2 days off together next week coming. We gotta wait til Thursday for those 2 days but it will be worth that wait. I think he is worth it. I don't want to date anymore. I want John.
Mario just called for me. He felt nauseus. Is that even the right spelling? Oh well. And I claim myself an English minor in college. For shame! That I can't even spell...LOL. I went down to help him out and took his sugar. He is having a rough day. I feel bad for him. I hope this all works itself out overnight or this is gonna be a looooong weekend. So I am back upstairs now and hopefully he will feel better. I have my "mommy ears" on to hear him if he needs me. So I am actually gonna go to bed now. I know a bit early fo my usual but I don't wanna be nodding off all day and John will wake me up in the morning. I am going to sleep to wait for his voice in the morning. Yeah...I got it bad!
Well good night all. Sweet dreams and great realities....
I woke up to the sound of John's voice. I actually got up too. I called right away for my taxi. Walt now has a standing order for my Friday morning taxi. I was on time for work. Every Friday I am sooo tired even though I went to bed on time and fell asleep fairly quickly.
Mario is having a rough day today. Physical thereapy is really pushing him because his last session is Wednesday next week and they wanna make the most out of the time he has left. So he was one tired guy. Didn't help that his sugar was wacky today because transportation showed up early and he was still eating his lunch and we were rushing so he didn't get his insulin shot til after we got home and I think the change in routine sent him into a tizzy. He was still feeling like shit when I put him to bed. He couldn't even make it to the bathroom so I had to clean him up before bed. I'm hoping he didn't pull a muscle in his stomach because I have done that and the results are not pretty at least for a week. And I'm here til tuesday so I don't wanna hear that!
John had a busy day at work. He says day shift is always busy and meetings, and bosses and all that is on day shift but I actually got to talk to him while Mario was at therapy for about 10 minutes which is nice. I have it bad and I know it. I can honestly say I haven't been smitten like this for anyone since Steven and that's over 12 years ago. I don't think I was even this giddy with my husband. With James we just kinda fell into a routine and with that routine was marriage. We never had a courtship or the anticipation of dating. With Ariel's father we ran in the same circles at work and I think it was more lust than anything else. And after I came off the road it was mistrust and lust. I can't wait to talk to John. I look forward to hearing his voice. I stare at the clock and wonder where exactly on his journey to my house he is at. I hate to see him go or that last kiss. I don't want to stop kissing him. I got it bad and readily admit it. For those of you that may be following me I'm sure you are tired of hearing about John and I'm sorry but that's the best thing my life has going at the moment.
He made me a voicemail at my request. Its so I can hear his voice whenever I want when I miss him. I can't believe he actually indulged me. I'm glad he did. My girlfriend Nona from college was not the smartest of apples on the tree, but had this little gem. She said "if he is not willing...then he is not worthy." and I have lived by that since then. I have had people scoff at the gem but you know what? they are not worthy if they would even question it. He drives from Catawissa all the time to see me. Misses me when we are apart. Calls me whenever we can. Listens when I speak. Has a genuine interest in my day or happenings even how trivial they may be. And he is willing to do all this. So, for me, he is worthy. I wish I had a car because I would drive out there just to kiss him goodnight and tuck him in. I would go there before he got off from work and make dinner and pack his lunch for the next day. I would do all those things. He has to work Monday night and forgot that me and Earl swapped out days and he was going to drive out before work just to see me for a little bit. But we have 2 days off together next week coming. We gotta wait til Thursday for those 2 days but it will be worth that wait. I think he is worth it. I don't want to date anymore. I want John.
Mario just called for me. He felt nauseus. Is that even the right spelling? Oh well. And I claim myself an English minor in college. For shame! That I can't even spell...LOL. I went down to help him out and took his sugar. He is having a rough day. I feel bad for him. I hope this all works itself out overnight or this is gonna be a looooong weekend. So I am back upstairs now and hopefully he will feel better. I have my "mommy ears" on to hear him if he needs me. So I am actually gonna go to bed now. I know a bit early fo my usual but I don't wanna be nodding off all day and John will wake me up in the morning. I am going to sleep to wait for his voice in the morning. Yeah...I got it bad!
Well good night all. Sweet dreams and great realities....
Friday, January 15, 2010
Wednesday HUMP DAY January 13, 2010
Well, I got Ariel off to school this morning and since I didn’t sleep much I fell back asleep. John text me and said he would be leaving soon. I asked how long it takes to get from Mackenzies to my house and he said about an hour. Well I guess my body knows what an hour is because I fell asleep for exactly an hour. I got up thinking he was gonna be knocking at my door any minute. Well I jumped in the shower and did a quick onceover including a shave. Luckily for me, he took 11 all the way from Moosic (bad move but good for me) and he showed up about 10:30am. After a coffee break, we head out to Catawissa. I think I might actually be able to find his house on my own if I were driving. When we first got there, he showed me the house and fed the “Rat”. Rat has officially become the cat’s name. We hung out on the couch for a bit and I reminded him to go take a shower. So he did. I like how he smells. Drakkar Noir. I like it. Even better would be Curve for men. That cologne makes me weak at the knees. It takes everything within my power to resist Curve. I have been known to smell on men in the supermarket. I can tell it a mile away. We took a 4-wheeler ride for a little while. It was cold! But he knows that I like 4-wheeling. We will have to pick up on that when it is warmer tho. But we went down to the mailbox to get the mail. And took a tour of the property. We headed back in because he didn’t take gloves and his hands were really really cold. I had his Giants sweatshirt on because I only had a light jacket. I didn’t know we would be out in the cold. If I know we are only gonna be in and out of the car, I don’t wear a heavy coat. So he gave me the hoodie to keep warm. When we got back in, we left shortly after that to go get some lunch and Tom’s Diner in town. He ordered Roast beef and ordered a platter instead of an open face sandwich and I had a cheezburger. So there was no way he was gonna finish that so we took the rest home for leftover dinner. When we got back, I offered my massage and he liked it. A simple statement of “if you took your shirt off I could do your whole back” WELL I’ve never seen him move so quick because in lickity split that shirt was off! So I continued my massage. The rest gets XXX rated. All I can say is that the segway was “you know this is gonna happen eventually so let’s go” and off we went to the bedroom. It was so matter of fact. It actually made it cute instead of crass. I wasn’t complaining or protesting! I will never date another younger man, if I ever date again. I hope I don’t have to date again. John is a keeper. He can teach me a few tricks and is good at what he does. I kinda let him lead the way just to feel him out and see what he had under his sleeves. All very good things under his sleeves. I wanna see what is under all the shirts in his closets! Definitely not ten minutes. Later on we hung out and talked and watched some tv. Around 5:45-ish he left and headed home. He had to be at work at 5:30 am so we headed out. Ariel was calling me too and wanted to know when I was coming home. I told her 7pm I would be there and I am able to give good ETAs. We got there, met Iyishia and were in the car headed home at 7:02pm. How about them apples?? Nothing could ruin my day. He text me when he got home and I called his back. I like hearing his voice before I go to bed. I like it to be the last thing I hear. (besides Ariel) We had grilled cheese for dinner and made it to bed pretty early. I was tired. And able to sleep well. Very well.
Are we up to Thursday already? Jan 14, 2009
I have absolutely no energy today. John sucked the life out of me. (quite literally ;) ) I did laundry and cleaned the house most of the day and in the afternoon after Iyishia pickede Kay up from school, we went to Target to continue doing her baby registry. That's something I have to start! I know all the stuff I do at showers but all I have to do is start finding out where to rent the chair etc. I love baby showers I have such a good time with them. I can't wait to go shopping for knick knacks and souveniers. I guarentee no one has seen a baby shower until they have been to one of mine! I am actually quite honored she is letting me throw her shower. I also have to find out where I can have the ribbons for the capias made. In NYC you can get them printed anywhere I am going to have to find a place out here though. Starbucks and Advil saved my life. I needed the caffeine and chocolate. Then, I needed some Advil because I had a splitting headache and achy bones and muscles. Thanks John! But I am not complaining! Not even a little bit! I actually almost have ALL the laundry done! A few more towels and I have to do the sheets that are on the bed but i am not going to change them until I get back home from work. I think that's what is kicking up Ariel and my allergies. I don't believe that she is sick even though she stayed home from school today. She only gets "sick" at night and early in the morning. So I think I have to change the sheets a little more often so the cat dander is down to a minimum. Because I know I have been affected by it too. And she always has Oliver up in her face and both cats sleep with us. John text me that he was going to bed. 5:30a is way early but that's what time he has to be into work so he has to be up at the crack before dawn even thinks of breaking. I called him because I wanted to hear his voice. He will wake me up in the morning...I look forward to it.
Missed Monday again...
Grrrrr .I wrote like two paragraphs and deleted them by accident. How do I end up donig that?? There are controls but which on is the undo button like in Word? It is very frustrating to not know what I am doing wrong. How am I supposed to fix something when I dont know what I did?
Anyway, today was a John day. I like John days. We have three days off together this week! The next 2 weeks are gonna be killer. I asked him if he wanted me to take off the day before MLK day but he said no because he has 6 weeks vacation and its easier for him to take days off and not miss a beat. Ok I can deal with that. What I don't think I can deal with is not seeing him but one or two weeks at a time and for a limited time. That is gonna royally suck.
But today was a John day so it was a happy day. We went bowling. I actually scored over 100 on 2 games. Yay! I had a lot of encouragement though. Lots of hugs and kisses which were very welcome! We had chinese for lunch. We went back to the big one near price chopper. They have a larger selection than the place that I like. Since the big one opened up their food has gotten better. So these days I will eat there. He is so funny. He eats everything seperate and his food can't touch. Everyone has their quirks and that one is his in addition to popping open his fortune cookie open. Doesnt annoy me but apparently one of his ex's it drove them up the wall.
We went back to my house and snuggled. No tv, no movie, just hanging out together on the couch until it was time to pick up Ariel from Asia's. He stuck around for a little while and then went home. I miss him when he leaves. Ariel actually did her homework but it was a struggle as usual. She is sooo easily distracted. I went upstairs to hang out in bed and got caught up in drama...And here comes the drama. Hold on to your shirts boys and girls cuz here we go...
It all started with one of our events in New Jersey...to be continued with all the drama before I end up deleting this post and be really mad!
Anyway, today was a John day. I like John days. We have three days off together this week! The next 2 weeks are gonna be killer. I asked him if he wanted me to take off the day before MLK day but he said no because he has 6 weeks vacation and its easier for him to take days off and not miss a beat. Ok I can deal with that. What I don't think I can deal with is not seeing him but one or two weeks at a time and for a limited time. That is gonna royally suck.
But today was a John day so it was a happy day. We went bowling. I actually scored over 100 on 2 games. Yay! I had a lot of encouragement though. Lots of hugs and kisses which were very welcome! We had chinese for lunch. We went back to the big one near price chopper. They have a larger selection than the place that I like. Since the big one opened up their food has gotten better. So these days I will eat there. He is so funny. He eats everything seperate and his food can't touch. Everyone has their quirks and that one is his in addition to popping open his fortune cookie open. Doesnt annoy me but apparently one of his ex's it drove them up the wall.
We went back to my house and snuggled. No tv, no movie, just hanging out together on the couch until it was time to pick up Ariel from Asia's. He stuck around for a little while and then went home. I miss him when he leaves. Ariel actually did her homework but it was a struggle as usual. She is sooo easily distracted. I went upstairs to hang out in bed and got caught up in drama...And here comes the drama. Hold on to your shirts boys and girls cuz here we go...
It all started with one of our events in New Jersey...to be continued with all the drama before I end up deleting this post and be really mad!
Lazy Tuesday Jan 12
We happily did absolutely nothing today. It was a great day just uneventful. We had breakfast at Denny's and from there we windowshopped across the valley. We hit Riders World, Sam's club, the mall and hung out around the house. I enjoy spending time with John. I don't care if we are bowling, talking, walking, sitting, we just have a great time. He left a little early (in other words didn't pick up Ariel) because it was his daughter, Mackenzie's, birthday. She is now 8yrs old. So she if slightly older than Ariel. We were supposed to have a training at Iyishia's but we just ended up hanging out playing with our iphones. Lol. He texts me pretty regular and even while he was at Mackenzie's house. I am going to get her an R4 adapter for her DSi. He took her to ToysRUS for her birthday presents and I told him he should be discouraging her from buying any DS games but she did anyway. But I texted back and forth with Mackenzie and she made some YouTube videos. So of course I had to tune in and watch. She has a grey/black tiger tabby cat and she recorded him, Romeo, chasing string and other antics. So now i subscribe to her YouTube account. I wish I knew how to do that. I would make some goofy videos of me and Ariel. So we chit chatted a little but I redirected him to spend time with her. He is staying at Mackenzie's tonight ad will come and pick me up in the morning and head out to his house in Catawissa. He asked me if I minded and I said no. I trust him. I have to. It's his daughter. He says he has nothing with her mother and I have to trust that. But it doesnt feel funky. Usually I will get a vibe and this one is cool.
So Ritchie, Iyishia and me sat on the couch with our new jailbroken phones and color themes etc. We never got around to our training. I guess it was kinda lax because Ted wasn't there. It was just us. But it was nice just hanging out. We had some pork chops for dinner and the kids got to play. They approached me aobut keeping Ariel every weekend. I don't mind but I have to change the payee for Coordinated from Katrina to Iyishia because I cannot afford paying her $400 a month to watch Ariel I mean I prolly can but why should I when I have Coordinated funding.
I tried to go to bed early to be up and ready for Wednesday but I drank WAY to much coffee and the last cup with Spanish coffee so I was zipping like crazy. Finally around 3am and lots of Seroquel later, I was able to get to bed. Iyishia is gonna keep Ariel after school so we don't have to rush home from Catawissa. I told her latest we would be back would be 8pm. No bible school this week because the twins are going to Disney on Ice to see Finding Nemo.
On his way out he started kissing my neck. Now he already told me that was a sensitive spot for him and that got him riled up the other day. So now he is doing it to me. I told him to quit and not start something he can't finish. Well his response was "Not in ten minutes" and that was a promising response. We will see...
So Ritchie, Iyishia and me sat on the couch with our new jailbroken phones and color themes etc. We never got around to our training. I guess it was kinda lax because Ted wasn't there. It was just us. But it was nice just hanging out. We had some pork chops for dinner and the kids got to play. They approached me aobut keeping Ariel every weekend. I don't mind but I have to change the payee for Coordinated from Katrina to Iyishia because I cannot afford paying her $400 a month to watch Ariel I mean I prolly can but why should I when I have Coordinated funding.
I tried to go to bed early to be up and ready for Wednesday but I drank WAY to much coffee and the last cup with Spanish coffee so I was zipping like crazy. Finally around 3am and lots of Seroquel later, I was able to get to bed. Iyishia is gonna keep Ariel after school so we don't have to rush home from Catawissa. I told her latest we would be back would be 8pm. No bible school this week because the twins are going to Disney on Ice to see Finding Nemo.
On his way out he started kissing my neck. Now he already told me that was a sensitive spot for him and that got him riled up the other day. So now he is doing it to me. I told him to quit and not start something he can't finish. Well his response was "Not in ten minutes" and that was a promising response. We will see...
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
One more night...
This is Sunday night's post: (I had to write it and save it becuz internet access sucks at work!)
Well, today started off on a good note. Two wakeup calls, yet I stayed in bed because yesterday he said he wanted to sleep in so today I let it go. I guess he was ready at 7:30 because he actually called for me. I have been sleeping well. I think because I am relaxed and a little Seroquel always helps. When I go back to Dr Sharma we are gonna have a little talk about my sleeping patterns. Maybe I can be a candidate for Lunesta or Ambien or something along those lines.
In less than 24 hours I get to see John in the flesh. He text me at around 1pm and asked me what I was doing and I said waiting for him. His response was wont be long. I wonder if he as anxious as I am about being together.
Im trying to take things slow. I have been known to rush into things and I don't want to do that here. I want this to work. It is kind of difficult to move quickly anyway with the limited time we are dealing with. I would love to have an entire day and a night together. Just to be. Not doing anything in particular. Just to be together. i wonder what his house is like. I would like to visit his house. I want to know more about him. What does he do when he isn't at work being the boss? Is he quiet in his own skin? I can sit home in silence and just be. Can he?
Today has been good until now. Mario ate some ham and bean soup and I am the one who suffers the next day as it comes out his system. Otherwise pretty quiet. I canvinced him to watch TBS and the movies that they offer on a Sunday afternoon. Makes the day go by quickly. First, the ending of Yours mine and ours. Then Cheaper by the dozen. Now, Something's gotta give. After this is, at 3:30pm the Heartbreak Kid with Ben Stiller. Don't know what that one is about. All I know that by the time this movie is over it will be 3:30pm and it will be that much closer to dinnertime. After dinner it is all cake. After dinner, he won't stay up very long. Now tomorrow, I must wake up and come downstairs by 7am. I want to get him straight and be done so I can jet out the door at precisely 8am.
If I take the 8:05am bus and catch the #12 bus I can be home in record time. If I don't make the #12 bus since they overlap a bit, I will take a taxi home. I wanna be home as early as possible to clean up, shower and be ready for when John arrives.
I need to catch up with TJ to finish my tattoo. I wanna get the color done and be done with it. I know its gonna be a while before I get the whole piece done all the way to my shoulder I just don't have the money. Well actually I do but I think I am gonna go to Marc's to get it done. No strings attached. No innuendos. No bartering. Just cash and tattoos. I have had enough of TJ's crap. I wanna be able to make an appointment and get my work done. No questions asked. If I thought it was fair I would just go to Marc's now and get it colored. But I don't know if that would work. I mean I am sure they could. Maybe I will see about that just getting the color done at Marc's. I am not sure if they will even touch it because they didn't start it. We will see.
I kind of get embarrassed about my tattoos when I am around people who don't have tattoos. John had a tattoo on his chest to line up with radiation. Like a speck but i dont think that really counts? I am not ashamed of my tattoos and I love them but kind of shows my wild side. I wanna be taken seriously. I don't want it to be a wedge. I have always wanted tattoos. I love them. I love men with them. The more the better. But I don't want a bad boy. I want a real man. And if that man has to be devoid of tattoos, so be it. But where does that leave me. Am I supposed to keep my clothes on all the time. that's not going to work. I want to take my clothes off eventually. NOT THAT WAY..well yeah eventually. But I was talking about summertime and wearing less clothes when you can tell I have tattoos. Well we will cross that bridge when we get to it. I just don't know how he is going to react. I hope well.
We are currently placing our picks for AFC and NFC finals. Be nice for a friendly bet. But he is trying to get me heated with this talk about the NJ Devils. He claims himself a Devils fan. It would make for a really difficult hockey season. I think he is dong it just to get a rise out of me! Grrrr
More to follow...these are my thoughts at the moment. Got more to follow later...
Ok so it's later I just couldnt post because the wireless service here at work SUCKS big time!
So my two teams in Football Playoffs won tonight. He soooo would have lost if we bets on the games. He still has yet to tell me the terms for next week's games. He says we will discuss it tomorrow. So far all I know is it involves cooking. Either he cooks or I cook but I don't know how that works. What if I just wanna test out his cooking skills? He ate Burger King for dinner. Yuk! I can smell the grease as I eat it and that turns my stomach. Yeah I know I 'm a fucking spoiled brat. I had a huge turkey club salad for dinner. Didnt want anything heavy.
He offered to come get me from work. I need to shower and get Mario's smell off me and Lord only knows what kind of stinky mess I am walking into when I go home. I don't want him to smell or see that. I know what I had to contend with last weekend and that's after Brain cleaned up a bit. He gets off at 5:30a so by the time I get home he can leave and at least get a little nap. Driving to my house from Catawissa is enough he doesnt have to drive to Pittston. I will probably take a taxi home from the square anyway. I need to get money from the bank and I have to stop at CVS for some things on the way home. Like air freshener!
It's 9:15pm and I am posting this. I am ready for bed but I have not heard his voice yet today so I will stay up a little longer til he gets back from doing rounds. I don't know who is more excited...him or me. He keeps mentioning that the days are dragging and seems like forever til he sees me again. I am thinking the same thing but I refuse to be a gushy female. Gushy on the inside, firm on the outside. Not hard, just a little soft. LOL I'm a dork. But a happy dork. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I was with Ron for almost 2 years and never felt anxiety with him. If he walked out the door...like he did...I was unphased. I don't want John to walk out the door. I kinda wanna block the door and keep him.
Speaking of Ron, he has my formal dresses! They are in his closet from our last 2 weddings we went to! I thought about calling him to retrieve them. But they are just dresses. I will buy new ones. I don't wanna open that can of worms. But I really liked the cream dress. And me shoes! DAMN IT! Those were nice shoes and broken in. I hope my favorite boots are in the pantry or I will really be upset. But I think I wore them out one day. Oh well. Minimal loss. I would rather let sleeping dogs lie. That would mean having to see him and shoot the shit and I really don't want that. I will gladly just go buy new dresses. It gives me an excuse to go shopping.
Ok he is back so I get to hear his ringtone. His ringtone makes me happy. Of course he probably will never hear it unless he tries to call when I am in the room or leave my phone laying around. Well off I go to talk to my boy. Tomorrow will be a good day.
Good night!
Well, today started off on a good note. Two wakeup calls, yet I stayed in bed because yesterday he said he wanted to sleep in so today I let it go. I guess he was ready at 7:30 because he actually called for me. I have been sleeping well. I think because I am relaxed and a little Seroquel always helps. When I go back to Dr Sharma we are gonna have a little talk about my sleeping patterns. Maybe I can be a candidate for Lunesta or Ambien or something along those lines.
In less than 24 hours I get to see John in the flesh. He text me at around 1pm and asked me what I was doing and I said waiting for him. His response was wont be long. I wonder if he as anxious as I am about being together.
Im trying to take things slow. I have been known to rush into things and I don't want to do that here. I want this to work. It is kind of difficult to move quickly anyway with the limited time we are dealing with. I would love to have an entire day and a night together. Just to be. Not doing anything in particular. Just to be together. i wonder what his house is like. I would like to visit his house. I want to know more about him. What does he do when he isn't at work being the boss? Is he quiet in his own skin? I can sit home in silence and just be. Can he?
Today has been good until now. Mario ate some ham and bean soup and I am the one who suffers the next day as it comes out his system. Otherwise pretty quiet. I canvinced him to watch TBS and the movies that they offer on a Sunday afternoon. Makes the day go by quickly. First, the ending of Yours mine and ours. Then Cheaper by the dozen. Now, Something's gotta give. After this is, at 3:30pm the Heartbreak Kid with Ben Stiller. Don't know what that one is about. All I know that by the time this movie is over it will be 3:30pm and it will be that much closer to dinnertime. After dinner it is all cake. After dinner, he won't stay up very long. Now tomorrow, I must wake up and come downstairs by 7am. I want to get him straight and be done so I can jet out the door at precisely 8am.
If I take the 8:05am bus and catch the #12 bus I can be home in record time. If I don't make the #12 bus since they overlap a bit, I will take a taxi home. I wanna be home as early as possible to clean up, shower and be ready for when John arrives.
I need to catch up with TJ to finish my tattoo. I wanna get the color done and be done with it. I know its gonna be a while before I get the whole piece done all the way to my shoulder I just don't have the money. Well actually I do but I think I am gonna go to Marc's to get it done. No strings attached. No innuendos. No bartering. Just cash and tattoos. I have had enough of TJ's crap. I wanna be able to make an appointment and get my work done. No questions asked. If I thought it was fair I would just go to Marc's now and get it colored. But I don't know if that would work. I mean I am sure they could. Maybe I will see about that just getting the color done at Marc's. I am not sure if they will even touch it because they didn't start it. We will see.
I kind of get embarrassed about my tattoos when I am around people who don't have tattoos. John had a tattoo on his chest to line up with radiation. Like a speck but i dont think that really counts? I am not ashamed of my tattoos and I love them but kind of shows my wild side. I wanna be taken seriously. I don't want it to be a wedge. I have always wanted tattoos. I love them. I love men with them. The more the better. But I don't want a bad boy. I want a real man. And if that man has to be devoid of tattoos, so be it. But where does that leave me. Am I supposed to keep my clothes on all the time. that's not going to work. I want to take my clothes off eventually. NOT THAT WAY..well yeah eventually. But I was talking about summertime and wearing less clothes when you can tell I have tattoos. Well we will cross that bridge when we get to it. I just don't know how he is going to react. I hope well.
We are currently placing our picks for AFC and NFC finals. Be nice for a friendly bet. But he is trying to get me heated with this talk about the NJ Devils. He claims himself a Devils fan. It would make for a really difficult hockey season. I think he is dong it just to get a rise out of me! Grrrr
More to follow...these are my thoughts at the moment. Got more to follow later...
Ok so it's later I just couldnt post because the wireless service here at work SUCKS big time!
So my two teams in Football Playoffs won tonight. He soooo would have lost if we bets on the games. He still has yet to tell me the terms for next week's games. He says we will discuss it tomorrow. So far all I know is it involves cooking. Either he cooks or I cook but I don't know how that works. What if I just wanna test out his cooking skills? He ate Burger King for dinner. Yuk! I can smell the grease as I eat it and that turns my stomach. Yeah I know I 'm a fucking spoiled brat. I had a huge turkey club salad for dinner. Didnt want anything heavy.
He offered to come get me from work. I need to shower and get Mario's smell off me and Lord only knows what kind of stinky mess I am walking into when I go home. I don't want him to smell or see that. I know what I had to contend with last weekend and that's after Brain cleaned up a bit. He gets off at 5:30a so by the time I get home he can leave and at least get a little nap. Driving to my house from Catawissa is enough he doesnt have to drive to Pittston. I will probably take a taxi home from the square anyway. I need to get money from the bank and I have to stop at CVS for some things on the way home. Like air freshener!
It's 9:15pm and I am posting this. I am ready for bed but I have not heard his voice yet today so I will stay up a little longer til he gets back from doing rounds. I don't know who is more excited...him or me. He keeps mentioning that the days are dragging and seems like forever til he sees me again. I am thinking the same thing but I refuse to be a gushy female. Gushy on the inside, firm on the outside. Not hard, just a little soft. LOL I'm a dork. But a happy dork. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I was with Ron for almost 2 years and never felt anxiety with him. If he walked out the door...like he did...I was unphased. I don't want John to walk out the door. I kinda wanna block the door and keep him.
Speaking of Ron, he has my formal dresses! They are in his closet from our last 2 weddings we went to! I thought about calling him to retrieve them. But they are just dresses. I will buy new ones. I don't wanna open that can of worms. But I really liked the cream dress. And me shoes! DAMN IT! Those were nice shoes and broken in. I hope my favorite boots are in the pantry or I will really be upset. But I think I wore them out one day. Oh well. Minimal loss. I would rather let sleeping dogs lie. That would mean having to see him and shoot the shit and I really don't want that. I will gladly just go buy new dresses. It gives me an excuse to go shopping.
Ok he is back so I get to hear his ringtone. His ringtone makes me happy. Of course he probably will never hear it unless he tries to call when I am in the room or leave my phone laying around. Well off I go to talk to my boy. Tomorrow will be a good day.
Good night!
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