I never thought I would be self-defeating. For me sleep has always been a challenge in my adult life. I became accustomed to getting every ounce of sleep I could muster whenever that may be. But I was wrong in my futile attempts at sleep. Linda, my drug dealer, well not really but she writes my prescriptions for me, she said I had bad sleep habits. I argued that I didn't because I would go to sleep at the same time every night, I took my meds as I was supposed to and I tried to wake up every day at the same time. Well, I may have been doing all that but I was sabotaging myself too. I would wake up in the morning and take Ariel to school and then come home and go back to bed. Mistake #1 then midday I would take a nap Mistake #2 then I would take my medicine RIGHT WHEN I wanted to go to sleep Mistake #3. So here is what I have done.
For the last few days that I have been home from work I have been forcing myself to stay awake during the day. No going back to bed. I can lay in bed, read in bed, play on my computer in bed but not sleep. This has been a challenge since I get obred and have nothing to fucking do. So I have been downloading and watching movies and music. This makes me happy because now I have a whole bunch of music on the iTunes and onto my iPod. What I did was took all my favorites that I listen to all the time and put them on my iPhone. Then i erased all the old music from my iPod and replaced it with new music that I haven't listened to yet to screen and see if I like it. Then I will take the songs I like and put them onto my iPhone to go into rotation. YAY for music!
Next....no afternoon naps and if I do nap only limited to one hour. I only took one nap in the last 5 days and it was precisely one hour and a few minutes depending on what clock you were looking at. This seem easy enough if I keep myself busy.
Now here comes the hard part. I have to eat dinner at 6pm and take my medicine at 7pm for it to work. I had been taking my medicine whenever I was ready to go to bed so it took that much longer for it to take affect and I would lay in bed tossing and turning. I went to bed last night a little after 9:30pm and didn't have to take Trazadone to knock me out. I was so proud of myself. Then this morning I was up before the fourteenth alarm clock went off and actually outta bed by 7:30am. Miraculous! I don't feel tired. Well this morning just a little bit. But I gotta get moving and find something to do. Yesterday, I went food shopping. I didn't know if Iyishia was going to have her car so I took the bus immediately after dropping Ariel off for school. I lounged around the supermarket looking at everything just cruising down the aisles and low and behold there was Iyishia. God sent her to me! I was amazed and stupified. So she gave me a ride home. When I got home not only did I put the groceries away but I cleaned the entire kitchen and straightened up....then went back to downloading stuff for the rest of the day.
So I guess the secret is....stay awake during the day even if I don't want to. If I take a nap limit it to only one hour (unless I am ill), take my meds soon after eating dinner which should be somewhere around the hour of 7pm and get to bed early so I can wake up in the morning.
I am not tired more than I am bored. My body is saying Fuck it go back to bed and my brain is saying sounds good but that's a bad idea. So I guess for once I have to listen to my brain (and Linda) and stay awake. I'm gonna call Iyishia later when I am done with this round of downloads and see if she will pick me up to hang out. That will give me something to do.
Well that's my observation of self and entry for today. Happy sleeping!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Music
Music has liberated me. From as far back as I can remember music has been a part of my life. From the womb, my mother took me to concerts and surrounded me with music. It is no wonder that music runs through my veins and into my soul. When my life took a turn to shit at a very young age as my mother deterioarted into her splintered psyche, music saved me. Music encapsulated me, wrapped its arms around me and took me away from my life. My punishment went from the physical beatings to taking away my music. I would rather take a beating than watch my mother throw my cassettes (yeah I had cassettes AND albums) into a great big black garbage bag and throw them away. I managed to salvage some and hide them away in any nook and cranny I could but I couldnt save them all. So I resorted to radio. I taped everything. I had to have music. I taped it so I could listen on my walkman (yeah had one of those too) When "plugged in" I could escape. I could escape into the music and disappear to somewhere ANYWHERE else but my life. School was torture because my mother was a teacher. One would think life in school would be a little easier having a mom that was a teacher but quite the contrary. She made my life hell. I would be doing next year's work over the summer and god forbid after all that if I got one answer wrong. I would have to do my work over and over and over til it was perfect. English papers were even worse. My mother was an English teacher. When my papers were graqded poorly because lord knows my mom made sure that they were perfect before I handed them in, she actually went to the school to reprimand the teacher at parent teacher conferences! I was the A student with the psycho teacher mom. In high school I was able to disappear. Disappear into the crowd. And when things got too heated I could disappear into the music. The more orchestratic the music the more I loved it. The more passionate the more I disappeared. I could be the music. Even a sad song was liberating because I could filter all my emotions through the music. By the end of the song it was a three minute therapy session. The more music the more therapy. My mom sent me to therapy and then wanted to know what was said so she grilled the therapist. If I knew then that it was totally unethical it would have been on but i was a kid. All I knew was that grownups will betray you because grownups stuck together. The ones who were supposed to help you and hear you only filtered info to my mother. I was alone and I stayed there. Once in high school, there was a group kinda therapy closed sessions called SPARK. I don't really know how I got involved but it helped. I gave adults another chance. I opened up slightly and found a way to cope. I stopped crying. I took the power away from her. This made her more angry and the beatings got worse. But after it was over she left me alone. I wanted her to tell me to go to my room but she never left me alone. I wanted to be alone in my room but even after she sent me there she had to come in and verbally abuse me. Then I hit back. That was the beginning of the end. My beatings turned into all out brawls literally on the bathroom floor. My stepdad just left. He walked out. Things got bad and he never intervened. He left me there with that psycho. If anyone ever saw Mommy Dearest they could see my life. I lived that movie. My mom treated me like Cinderella at home and showed me off as her pride and joy in public. Until we got home. I remember the bathroom scene so vividly it scars me for life. Just like the movie, my mom threw Ajax all over the bathroom. Have u ever used Ajax? A little bit goes a long way and that shit never comes off and leaves a film everywhere! There is probably still Ajax in that bathroom from 1989! So just like my stepdad I left. I left whenever I could. I would go to my Uncle Raymond's house. But he betrayed me too. He never stood up for me. My mom would come and get me and he would send me home with her. Then mom decided she was gonna get sober. I don't know who was worse drunk abusive mom or on the wagon abusive mom who was "saved" and "redeemed" and everyone else was fucked up. Everyone else was a drunk or a drug addict or just plain old fucked up. She was the messiah. So I tried to go along with it. I wanted to try and go with the flow and not rock the boat. Mom put me back in therapy but I told them what they wanted to hear. All they wanted to hear was how my mom was doing. She is the one who needed therapy more than me. So I went to these Al-Anon and Alateen meetings because according to mom I needed a 12 step program. It was just a chance to get me out of the house. Fine I could open up if I wanted to but who was gonna believe me and what were they gonna do about it anyway. I still had my music. That was my therapy. Music kept me sane. In a world that was chaos and insane and violent music saved me. From heavy metal as an expression of anger, to passionate soul and r&b to cry to and pop music to pep me up and be happy and motivated. Music saved me. Then I left for the last time. I still went to school but my mom had to teach. She couldn't be chasing after me. She didn't pay attention to me long enough to know I had friends beyond Rachel. Me and Rachel were friends since the 4th grade. The only reason my mom liked her is because her mom was a teacher and she thought she was gonna rat me out. But she never did. I thank Sahron for that. I was allowed to be a kid. To just hang out for a little bit. I could go outside and play. That was big. I was a prisoner in a war I didn't start and didn't want to be a part of. I was repeatedly attacked like a superpower invading Ethiopia. What the hell is Ethiopia gonna do? They don't even have food, nevermind the energy to fight. It was a losing battle and I was on the losing end. I was Ethiopia. So I left for the last time. I was gone for three weeks. This time it wasn't off to Uncle Raymond's house or Gramma's or Uncle Robert's (who lived right upstairs from my gramma) I went to friend's houses. I couchsurfed from one friend to another. Their parents knew what was going on and wanted to help me but I didn't want them to get in trouble so when my mom came sniffing around, i changed places. Finally my gramma convinced me to meet up with my mom at the place where we got "therapy". Mom brought the cops. Either I went home with her or I became a ward of the state and left with the cops. But there was a light! If I went home with her, the very next day she pulled me out of school and put me in boarding school. A "residential theraputic community"...whatever! IT'S BOARDING SCHOOL. So I went. I didn't have to live with her anymore. I would be here til I graduated school. I wasn't even thinking beyond there. I would stay here as long as I didn't have to be with her. She could visit but she couldn't be abusive or she had to leave. She couldn't hit me. She couldn't berate me. For the first time in years, i was safe. But I lost the "priviledge" of music. but onloy for a little while. We had a clock radio. That was enough. Music saved me from boarding school too. I was locked up but I was safe.
Music continues to be my saving grace. I listen to music constantly. I can't get enough. I have over 40 gigs of music. 40 of it on my computer and I just keep on adding my old cd's to iTunes little by little. Today I was home and did nothing but download music. No cleaning, no sleeping (well I took an hour nap midday) but I just got music. I took almost all the old music off my iPod and replaced it with new music so I can see what I like and weed it out. I kept the all time, listen over and over favorites on my iPhone. As I experience the new music, I can transfer new songs onto my iPhone to go into rotation.I listen to music at work, I listen to music at home, I listen to music when I cross the street to pick Ariel up from school, music is everywhere. I like music on the bus. I can escape the smelly, dirty pigs and the little old ladys and dissolve into my music. I highly recommend music to anyone. It kept me sane. I thought I was the crazy one for years only to find out my mom has disassociative disorder. Commonly known as multiple personalitys. I only found out that fact about 8 years ago. 8 years ago the world and my life gained clarity. I wasn't the crazy one, she was. She didn't remember half or even like an eighth of the crap that transpired over the years. She wasn't in charge of the committee. That's what i call her "disorder" the "committee. She can have a party and not have to invite a single person and not have a drink and blackout. But the most devestating thing I have ever heard in my ENTIRE life was the day that my mother told me that there were "parts of me that hate you". Hate is such a strong word. One of the most powerful words I can think of in the english language. It was engrained in me BY MY MOTHER that never to say hate. You dislike things. You can even abhor or be disgusted by things but not hate. She used the word hate in the same sentence as me. I can never forgive her or the committee for that. But I am stuck as a teenager. I am not a nurse, a college grad, a mother, a paramedic or even a grownup. To her I am a stupid teenager that she hates. She is stuck and I am not. And I refuse to be. I moved on. My mother is no longer a part of our lives. It's been 6 years now. I am a better person. I am healthier without her. I am happy and secure in my being without her. Let her stay gone and be enraptured in her illness. I can't help her and won't be sucked in to her insanity and expose my daughter to that. I love my daughter too much. We are fine. And I still have music. Music is my salvation. Find your music. Don't limit yourself to a genre. Try them all. You don't have to like all of it maybe just a song here and there but find music. It helped me. I hope it will bless your life too.
I feel better. This blog has been amazingly liberating. I have no followers today, yet. But I hope I will help you too.
Music continues to be my saving grace. I listen to music constantly. I can't get enough. I have over 40 gigs of music. 40 of it on my computer and I just keep on adding my old cd's to iTunes little by little. Today I was home and did nothing but download music. No cleaning, no sleeping (well I took an hour nap midday) but I just got music. I took almost all the old music off my iPod and replaced it with new music so I can see what I like and weed it out. I kept the all time, listen over and over favorites on my iPhone. As I experience the new music, I can transfer new songs onto my iPhone to go into rotation.I listen to music at work, I listen to music at home, I listen to music when I cross the street to pick Ariel up from school, music is everywhere. I like music on the bus. I can escape the smelly, dirty pigs and the little old ladys and dissolve into my music. I highly recommend music to anyone. It kept me sane. I thought I was the crazy one for years only to find out my mom has disassociative disorder. Commonly known as multiple personalitys. I only found out that fact about 8 years ago. 8 years ago the world and my life gained clarity. I wasn't the crazy one, she was. She didn't remember half or even like an eighth of the crap that transpired over the years. She wasn't in charge of the committee. That's what i call her "disorder" the "committee. She can have a party and not have to invite a single person and not have a drink and blackout. But the most devestating thing I have ever heard in my ENTIRE life was the day that my mother told me that there were "parts of me that hate you". Hate is such a strong word. One of the most powerful words I can think of in the english language. It was engrained in me BY MY MOTHER that never to say hate. You dislike things. You can even abhor or be disgusted by things but not hate. She used the word hate in the same sentence as me. I can never forgive her or the committee for that. But I am stuck as a teenager. I am not a nurse, a college grad, a mother, a paramedic or even a grownup. To her I am a stupid teenager that she hates. She is stuck and I am not. And I refuse to be. I moved on. My mother is no longer a part of our lives. It's been 6 years now. I am a better person. I am healthier without her. I am happy and secure in my being without her. Let her stay gone and be enraptured in her illness. I can't help her and won't be sucked in to her insanity and expose my daughter to that. I love my daughter too much. We are fine. And I still have music. Music is my salvation. Find your music. Don't limit yourself to a genre. Try them all. You don't have to like all of it maybe just a song here and there but find music. It helped me. I hope it will bless your life too.
I feel better. This blog has been amazingly liberating. I have no followers today, yet. But I hope I will help you too.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
formspring.me
Why do you have cats when you are allergic to them?
I got the cats for my daughter. I am willing to take claritin for her happiness. I love the cats.
formspring.me
What food could you eat everyday and not get sick of it?
I could eat pizza any day of the week everyday
formspring.me
If you could ask George W. Bush one question what would it be?
What would you do if your daughter was gay when you fight against gay rights all the time??
formspring.me
whats your favorite song?
My favorite song of the moment is "all over again" by Justin Timberlake. It's really chill and mellow.
Spring cleaning time
Well today is the first day of my 5 days off and while it started off in bed. I can never get enough sleep and i think it's my own fault. On the weekdays when Ariel is in school, i return to bed for a few hours because I am up so late at night. Not sleeping. So then when I must sleep, I cannot get to bed. So I have made my own fate and don't know how to fix it. Well I know how to fix it but i don't want to. I want to have a life. And having a life means being up past 8:30pm. i need a sleep routine though. I should really start taking my medicine earlier and getting to bed at somewhat decent hour.
We have begun spring cleaning. I started in the kitchen but it's nto done. I need to seriously get into the cabinets and look for stuff that is old and needs to be thrown out past expiration dates. And there is stuff there that has been there for years that we are obviously never gonna eat. I found rice a roni that was there forever that I actually was going to eat at my client's house and when I got it there it had moths and worms in it. I guess they are nesting in the food we don't eat. Needless to say it was GROSS and so I really need to go through the cabinets and throw out anything that doesn't come in a sealed plastic container or that has been bought recently. The middle living room is clean and I am quite proud of it since even my basket that sits next to the couch that manages to catch all the miscellanous crap is gone and waiting til I get upstairs and clean up there. THere has to be a mountain of paper stuff, mail, junk mail and crap that needs to be filed and sorted through and thrown out. I brought all that stuff upstairs only because i can bring the garbage can up with me and file as I sort and throw things right out. I have to buy a desk organizer for the crazy insane amounts of office supplies that are everywhere. I need like a pencil cup and a paper clip holder etc all the stuff that holds office supplies. I need a true desk too so I can put all the thousand note pads and ledgers in the drawers. I think that is gonna be the next thing I buy. It should only be like $100 for a simple desk.
The front room is pretty much clean but I have to go through the drawer chest and see what the hell is in there. I have no idea what is in those drawers! The cookies are still lined up and all my art supplies are neatly stacked. That's another thing I need to organize my art supplies. I need a bunch of those plastic rolly polly things to organize my stuff so I don't have to dig everytime I need something. I found the modge podge though and I started to glue my puzzles. Tomorrow the first 3 should be done. Then i will hang those up and continue. I have 2 more of Ariel's and then like 4 more of mine. That should be nice to decorate the walls. The puzzles are big enough that it will be regualr picture size. And much cheaper than buying prints. I can't believe I did all those puzzles over the summer. Well my walls will thank me.
Tomorrow I will finish up the laundry and start on the upstairs I need to tackle that filing cabinet. It will be ok. I will bring it downstairs to my bedroom and my sewing table and Ariel will officially have the whole third floor. I wanted to bring her bunk bed upstairs but I think with the low ceiling it wont be goo because she will never be able to sit up in it just basicaqlly lay down. I really want an office but I guess it will have to wait until we move. I would like to move into Katrina's new house that she has yet to close on. It still has the finished attic like this house but it has three bedrooms on the second floor. One of those can be my office/sewing room.
Pizza for dinner tonight. Quick and easy not to mention yummy. Tomorrow I will cook I promise. I have to go food shopping tomorrow. Let's see if Iyishia can take me shopping. She is sick so maybe she won't be up to it.
Well wheel of fortune time. I can't believe I am actually gonna watch this at home! But Bonz is a repeat and there is nothing else of any value on tv. There is NCIS but I'm not really into that show. Well I will go watch this and sign off for now.
We have begun spring cleaning. I started in the kitchen but it's nto done. I need to seriously get into the cabinets and look for stuff that is old and needs to be thrown out past expiration dates. And there is stuff there that has been there for years that we are obviously never gonna eat. I found rice a roni that was there forever that I actually was going to eat at my client's house and when I got it there it had moths and worms in it. I guess they are nesting in the food we don't eat. Needless to say it was GROSS and so I really need to go through the cabinets and throw out anything that doesn't come in a sealed plastic container or that has been bought recently. The middle living room is clean and I am quite proud of it since even my basket that sits next to the couch that manages to catch all the miscellanous crap is gone and waiting til I get upstairs and clean up there. THere has to be a mountain of paper stuff, mail, junk mail and crap that needs to be filed and sorted through and thrown out. I brought all that stuff upstairs only because i can bring the garbage can up with me and file as I sort and throw things right out. I have to buy a desk organizer for the crazy insane amounts of office supplies that are everywhere. I need like a pencil cup and a paper clip holder etc all the stuff that holds office supplies. I need a true desk too so I can put all the thousand note pads and ledgers in the drawers. I think that is gonna be the next thing I buy. It should only be like $100 for a simple desk.
The front room is pretty much clean but I have to go through the drawer chest and see what the hell is in there. I have no idea what is in those drawers! The cookies are still lined up and all my art supplies are neatly stacked. That's another thing I need to organize my art supplies. I need a bunch of those plastic rolly polly things to organize my stuff so I don't have to dig everytime I need something. I found the modge podge though and I started to glue my puzzles. Tomorrow the first 3 should be done. Then i will hang those up and continue. I have 2 more of Ariel's and then like 4 more of mine. That should be nice to decorate the walls. The puzzles are big enough that it will be regualr picture size. And much cheaper than buying prints. I can't believe I did all those puzzles over the summer. Well my walls will thank me.
Tomorrow I will finish up the laundry and start on the upstairs I need to tackle that filing cabinet. It will be ok. I will bring it downstairs to my bedroom and my sewing table and Ariel will officially have the whole third floor. I wanted to bring her bunk bed upstairs but I think with the low ceiling it wont be goo because she will never be able to sit up in it just basicaqlly lay down. I really want an office but I guess it will have to wait until we move. I would like to move into Katrina's new house that she has yet to close on. It still has the finished attic like this house but it has three bedrooms on the second floor. One of those can be my office/sewing room.
Pizza for dinner tonight. Quick and easy not to mention yummy. Tomorrow I will cook I promise. I have to go food shopping tomorrow. Let's see if Iyishia can take me shopping. She is sick so maybe she won't be up to it.
Well wheel of fortune time. I can't believe I am actually gonna watch this at home! But Bonz is a repeat and there is nothing else of any value on tv. There is NCIS but I'm not really into that show. Well I will go watch this and sign off for now.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Yay the end of the weekend!
Well I honestly had a great weekend with Mario. not even a lot of laundry! We had a good choice of things to watch on TV and everything. Ariel is having a hard time this weekend. I guess she got spoiled with having me all to herself for 3 days with the whole snowing conditions. It's ok I will be home tomorrow and she will be home from school again so she can relax.
I really don't have much to say besides I can't wait to go home and I miss my daughter (I guess I got a little spoiled too) and I can't wait until the morning because I'm that closer to going home. I hope Earl's brother is able to give me a ride home because getting home at 8:30am is SWEET!
Random thought: my breath tastes like onions. Even after brushing my teeth and that's some potent shit!
Well off to bed I go a happy girl....
I really don't have much to say besides I can't wait to go home and I miss my daughter (I guess I got a little spoiled too) and I can't wait until the morning because I'm that closer to going home. I hope Earl's brother is able to give me a ride home because getting home at 8:30am is SWEET!
Random thought: my breath tastes like onions. Even after brushing my teeth and that's some potent shit!
Well off to bed I go a happy girl....
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Another day, another donut....
I couldn't have asked for a nicer day at work. I was a whole 1.25 hours early for work. Jeff picked me up and drove me to work so I saved $20 today. YAY! And he finally got to meet me since he is completely obsessed with me and believes we are destined to be together but I am not REMOTELY attracted to him. It would be a relationship of pity and I'm not into that. I did that with Ron and we aint going there again. Anyway, I was able to snooze in my chair because there was no way on god's green earth that I was letting her off the hook when she didn't even have him outta bed yet. If he was in his chair and cleaned up and eating breakfast I would have bended but not while she is doing laundry and drinking coffee and he is still in bed.
But we had a nice day. I let him go in the morning because we both have our early morning snoozes in our chairs. Then we had lunch, took a walk, did our pulleys, did our stretches and relaxed. By the time Arlene came over with her husband we were laughing and goofing off and she came in in a good mood. No complaints! Not one! She didn't get on his case or anything! I was truly amazed. So she stayed for a little while and chatted and then was gone. We watched Batman begins (which I have seen a thousand times when we didn't have cable and had to resort to our small dvd collection) and we both said it was a silly story and if you don't pay attention you have NO idea what is going on or who the guy in the burlap sack mask is.
Ariel made her calls to me but not for stupid stuff which I am glad about. First time she called, all she wanted to know was how to spell Elizabeth and hung up. Then she called with the drama. Apparently, Iyishia went out to the store and left the kids with Ritchie. I don't know what his major malfunction is but everytime he has the kids he stops them from playing and sends them to read or nap. WTF?? If the kids are not killing each other then let them go. Ariel said that Kaylynn kept on crying. So send her for a nap not 2 seven year olds that are beyond napping age. I could see if everyone was up at the crack of dawn and they were all crabby, but don't punish all of them because the youngest one needs a nap. So of course I am the one who gets the phone calls. The important call came later when Ariel called to tell me she couldn't get a hold of Gramma and she was worried because Gramma was sick and she is ALWAYS home. So, I called. When I didn't get anyone I immediately called my cousin Mimi. If anyone knows where Gramma is it would be Mimi. Well, she turned up in the hospital again and of course no one called me. But this time she is okay. She was complaining about her leg last week and that ended her in the hospital for 6 days and then she came hoome and the leg wasnt' improving. Yesterday the visiting nurse came to the house and said the leg wasnt looking good and for her to go to the ER and she did. So they admitted her again and she has an infection as a result of the original blod clot from last week so they are treating it with antibiotics and blood thinners to get rid of everything. I got Gramma and Ariel on a three way call so Ariel wouldn't worry and it picks my gramma's spirits up to tlak to the kids. Especially after Ariel was the one to discover that Gramma wasn't home. I guess i have to make it a point to call everyday now to check on her since no one calls me. I have to check in on her everyday from now on.
So we did Hamburger Helper for dinner, Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy and then Mario was ready for bed. No Olympics tonight for him. So here I am up in my room blogging. I slacked off for a while during me and John's realtionship but I have to vow to never let a man come between me and my blog commitment.
Well that is all for me today. I am going to go to bed early. Like right now. Maybe I can have some energy tomorrow. Good night all!
But we had a nice day. I let him go in the morning because we both have our early morning snoozes in our chairs. Then we had lunch, took a walk, did our pulleys, did our stretches and relaxed. By the time Arlene came over with her husband we were laughing and goofing off and she came in in a good mood. No complaints! Not one! She didn't get on his case or anything! I was truly amazed. So she stayed for a little while and chatted and then was gone. We watched Batman begins (which I have seen a thousand times when we didn't have cable and had to resort to our small dvd collection) and we both said it was a silly story and if you don't pay attention you have NO idea what is going on or who the guy in the burlap sack mask is.
Ariel made her calls to me but not for stupid stuff which I am glad about. First time she called, all she wanted to know was how to spell Elizabeth and hung up. Then she called with the drama. Apparently, Iyishia went out to the store and left the kids with Ritchie. I don't know what his major malfunction is but everytime he has the kids he stops them from playing and sends them to read or nap. WTF?? If the kids are not killing each other then let them go. Ariel said that Kaylynn kept on crying. So send her for a nap not 2 seven year olds that are beyond napping age. I could see if everyone was up at the crack of dawn and they were all crabby, but don't punish all of them because the youngest one needs a nap. So of course I am the one who gets the phone calls. The important call came later when Ariel called to tell me she couldn't get a hold of Gramma and she was worried because Gramma was sick and she is ALWAYS home. So, I called. When I didn't get anyone I immediately called my cousin Mimi. If anyone knows where Gramma is it would be Mimi. Well, she turned up in the hospital again and of course no one called me. But this time she is okay. She was complaining about her leg last week and that ended her in the hospital for 6 days and then she came hoome and the leg wasnt' improving. Yesterday the visiting nurse came to the house and said the leg wasnt looking good and for her to go to the ER and she did. So they admitted her again and she has an infection as a result of the original blod clot from last week so they are treating it with antibiotics and blood thinners to get rid of everything. I got Gramma and Ariel on a three way call so Ariel wouldn't worry and it picks my gramma's spirits up to tlak to the kids. Especially after Ariel was the one to discover that Gramma wasn't home. I guess i have to make it a point to call everyday now to check on her since no one calls me. I have to check in on her everyday from now on.
So we did Hamburger Helper for dinner, Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy and then Mario was ready for bed. No Olympics tonight for him. So here I am up in my room blogging. I slacked off for a while during me and John's realtionship but I have to vow to never let a man come between me and my blog commitment.
Well that is all for me today. I am going to go to bed early. Like right now. Maybe I can have some energy tomorrow. Good night all!
Friday, February 12, 2010
End of the week....
Well it's been a nice week. I got to spend some quality time with Ariel. We had Wednesday and Thursday snow days and then today was a half day of school. Ariel's party at her school was a fabulous success. Mrs. Butz asked me where I came up with the love letters and when I told her I made them up so was like shocked. It didn't take much just a little thought. Jeff helped me with the boy ones and I did the princesses. We had more than enough food. Holy crap these kids cleaned up. They had enough candy to keep them high for a few days. And we were worried about not having enough. BAH! These kids went home with SHOPPING BAGS full of stuff. Like gift bags size!
When we got home Ariel spent more time outside in the snow. She is constantly complaining that no one wants to play with her. I can't help it if she is an only child. Even if I had a baby today that would not change her boredom. It would probably just make things worse since I would have less time to spend with her. I always wanted more children but it just didn't work out that way. I have pretty much given up on men and on more children.
I will have to have a man fall out of the sky and into my lap with a love letter and bible reference from God to have anything to do with men anytime soon. I had high hopes for John. Yes, I know I said I was over it but I am not. I just don't think that I am so unapproachable or hard to talk to that someone can't talk to me. I know cancer is a pretty heavy topic but I would think one would want to have a shoulder or an ear to listen. I listened for the first 2 weeks we were together almost every conversation his cancer showed up. I knew it was a big part of who he was and that the wounds were fresh. There was always the possibility of the cancer returning. Yes I am still not over it.
When we got home Ariel spent more time outside in the snow. She is constantly complaining that no one wants to play with her. I can't help it if she is an only child. Even if I had a baby today that would not change her boredom. It would probably just make things worse since I would have less time to spend with her. I always wanted more children but it just didn't work out that way. I have pretty much given up on men and on more children.
I will have to have a man fall out of the sky and into my lap with a love letter and bible reference from God to have anything to do with men anytime soon. I had high hopes for John. Yes, I know I said I was over it but I am not. I just don't think that I am so unapproachable or hard to talk to that someone can't talk to me. I know cancer is a pretty heavy topic but I would think one would want to have a shoulder or an ear to listen. I listened for the first 2 weeks we were together almost every conversation his cancer showed up. I knew it was a big part of who he was and that the wounds were fresh. There was always the possibility of the cancer returning. Yes I am still not over it.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Ok I have had enough snow!
Well I give up on the whole John thing. He is too wrapped up in himself to pick up his phone for two minutes and let me know how he is doing. I can't force someone to let me care about them. I care and that's it. I can't force him to be around me. So I will care from afar.
We have had snow from Tuesday night thru Thursday morning. School was closed Wedensday and Thursday so i have been stuck in the house and crazy bored. Ariel was able to go outside today and play in the snow without being snowed into the ground while trying to play. I like not having a big walk or sidewalk because shoveling takes 3 minutes flat. Tuesday night I went to Iyishia's for "training" but we did absolutley nothing but download movies and bullshit. It was nice just hanging out. It's hard for me to be around Ritchie and not want to spit in his face. But we were having a nice conversation so it distracted me for my distaste.
Jeff is in full pursuit of me. I feel bad because I blew him off on Monday waiting for John to show up. Jeff has been nothiing but crazy nice to the point of desperate to see me and I wasted the day waiting on John. We had postponed our lunch date to Tuesday but then he got called in to work so it got rainchecked again. Well then there was Wednesday and all this snow. So rainchecked again. But I have no reset date.
Today was another wasted day. Yesterday was let's watch movies and lay around all day and do nothing. Today was let's lay around and think of stuff we could do and then not do it. Ariel was most productive....she played in the snow.
We went food shopping and got last minute Valentines Day party stuff for Ariel's school and now I am all set. I spoke to Karen Rovine and she is nice enough but on the naive side. I know parties are not everyone's forte but she is naive. I guess the part that kinda rubs me the wrong way is like she didn't want to get the kids cupcakes because they get all crumbly and messy in their backpacks? who cares? if they like them get them for them! So she ordered donuts. Who orders donuts? I know kids that hate donuts. So anyway...I will make the best of this party. I have games and candy and chocolate what else do ya need? LOL
So I am off to bed now so I can be well rested and sober to deal with 24 little bratty kids.
We have had snow from Tuesday night thru Thursday morning. School was closed Wedensday and Thursday so i have been stuck in the house and crazy bored. Ariel was able to go outside today and play in the snow without being snowed into the ground while trying to play. I like not having a big walk or sidewalk because shoveling takes 3 minutes flat. Tuesday night I went to Iyishia's for "training" but we did absolutley nothing but download movies and bullshit. It was nice just hanging out. It's hard for me to be around Ritchie and not want to spit in his face. But we were having a nice conversation so it distracted me for my distaste.
Jeff is in full pursuit of me. I feel bad because I blew him off on Monday waiting for John to show up. Jeff has been nothiing but crazy nice to the point of desperate to see me and I wasted the day waiting on John. We had postponed our lunch date to Tuesday but then he got called in to work so it got rainchecked again. Well then there was Wednesday and all this snow. So rainchecked again. But I have no reset date.
Today was another wasted day. Yesterday was let's watch movies and lay around all day and do nothing. Today was let's lay around and think of stuff we could do and then not do it. Ariel was most productive....she played in the snow.
We went food shopping and got last minute Valentines Day party stuff for Ariel's school and now I am all set. I spoke to Karen Rovine and she is nice enough but on the naive side. I know parties are not everyone's forte but she is naive. I guess the part that kinda rubs me the wrong way is like she didn't want to get the kids cupcakes because they get all crumbly and messy in their backpacks? who cares? if they like them get them for them! So she ordered donuts. Who orders donuts? I know kids that hate donuts. So anyway...I will make the best of this party. I have games and candy and chocolate what else do ya need? LOL
So I am off to bed now so I can be well rested and sober to deal with 24 little bratty kids.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Thank God for days off..
Well last night was the Superbowl and the Saints won. My pick. Good for them. They deserve it. Hopefully this will be the light to shine the way to the future for New Orleans. But that's not why I picked them. That is just the bonus of winning. I think they really worked all year long and they were the underdog. Colts have a strong team but they are cocky. They have been in the spotlight of championships and Superbowls. Can't be too cocky that's when you slip up and make mistakes.
We texted a little bit just about the Superbowl and then spoke for a little while after the game. He said he would wake me up in the morning and he did. He is supposed to come ove rtoday but it's 3pm and I still haven't heard from him. I don't know if he will show up since he hasn't shown his face yet. Unless he plans on sleeping over then he might come down. I could have had lunch with Jeff as he wanted to but I was holding out that John was going to come over. Oh well. I promised Jeff that we would do lunch tomorrow. I plan on holding up my end of the deal. It's not fair to stand him up. I should have just gone today and thought about it later.
I have been planning for both the Valentine's Day party and Iyishia's baby shower. The party is this Friday at Ariel's school. I have lollipops to make. I keep on putting it off because I don't really have a place to store them and don't want them to melt in the house. I found loose sweetheart candies for their game. They will take chopsticks and try to gather as many sweetheart candies as they can in a minute using chopsticks. This should be fun. i have to think of another game to play to keep these little monsters occupied for an hour and some odd minutes. I will have them make valentine cards for their parents if they haven't done so already. They will exchange their valentines and play a couple games. Pretty simple. As for another game...we have the who said that game. I have to write the scenarios though because when put on the spot i will forget. It is also something that I can pass the reins over to someone else. I guess 2 games are ok plus tell the story of Cupid and St Valentine. St Valentine is a little morbid but oh well. He died a martyr. I found a nicer story. Still has an execution at the end but a lighter story.
I got the stickers for the Hershey's kisses for Iyishia's baby shower today. They are so cute! Now I have to buy some more kisses. There are alot of stickers I forgot how many I ordered! It's ok candy wont go to waste. This is the perfect time to buy the chocolates because after Valentine's Day the pink and red candys will be half price and I will clean up cheaply. I have all the stuff for the capias except for the quarters or dimes. I have to go to the bank and get a roll of quarters. I think they will look better than dimes. Big and bold! I can start making those too...this is fun. I should be a party planner! I would have a blast. Maybe I can have a small bakery and a party planning business! That would be ideal. I would be on cloud nine if I could spend my life baking and shopping for parties.
Well its almost 4pm and time to go get Ariel...let's see what happens....
We texted a little bit just about the Superbowl and then spoke for a little while after the game. He said he would wake me up in the morning and he did. He is supposed to come ove rtoday but it's 3pm and I still haven't heard from him. I don't know if he will show up since he hasn't shown his face yet. Unless he plans on sleeping over then he might come down. I could have had lunch with Jeff as he wanted to but I was holding out that John was going to come over. Oh well. I promised Jeff that we would do lunch tomorrow. I plan on holding up my end of the deal. It's not fair to stand him up. I should have just gone today and thought about it later.
I have been planning for both the Valentine's Day party and Iyishia's baby shower. The party is this Friday at Ariel's school. I have lollipops to make. I keep on putting it off because I don't really have a place to store them and don't want them to melt in the house. I found loose sweetheart candies for their game. They will take chopsticks and try to gather as many sweetheart candies as they can in a minute using chopsticks. This should be fun. i have to think of another game to play to keep these little monsters occupied for an hour and some odd minutes. I will have them make valentine cards for their parents if they haven't done so already. They will exchange their valentines and play a couple games. Pretty simple. As for another game...we have the who said that game. I have to write the scenarios though because when put on the spot i will forget. It is also something that I can pass the reins over to someone else. I guess 2 games are ok plus tell the story of Cupid and St Valentine. St Valentine is a little morbid but oh well. He died a martyr. I found a nicer story. Still has an execution at the end but a lighter story.
I got the stickers for the Hershey's kisses for Iyishia's baby shower today. They are so cute! Now I have to buy some more kisses. There are alot of stickers I forgot how many I ordered! It's ok candy wont go to waste. This is the perfect time to buy the chocolates because after Valentine's Day the pink and red candys will be half price and I will clean up cheaply. I have all the stuff for the capias except for the quarters or dimes. I have to go to the bank and get a roll of quarters. I think they will look better than dimes. Big and bold! I can start making those too...this is fun. I should be a party planner! I would have a blast. Maybe I can have a small bakery and a party planning business! That would be ideal. I would be on cloud nine if I could spend my life baking and shopping for parties.
Well its almost 4pm and time to go get Ariel...let's see what happens....
February 6, 2010
Well of course I can't get on the internet from work so I have to update....
John called me back Saturday night...It was option 2. he got a bad report from the doctor. He went for his scope on Tuesday and he said the doctor did n't like what he saw and ordered a Cat scan, a PET scan and an MRI. So he is freaking out. He is assuming that he will need more radiation and possibly chemotherapy if they decide to be more aggressive than the last phase of treatment. We should know something by next Friday after all the tests are complete. He doesn't want to be a burden on anyone. I'm not 12 years old. This is supposed to be a mature relationship. I can handle this. I think it's worth it. I think he is worth it. We talked for a little bit and then he had to go do some work. I kept it light and didn't push too much. But i made it clear that I wasn't going anywhere.
He woke me up Sunday morning..... things are good.
John called me back Saturday night...It was option 2. he got a bad report from the doctor. He went for his scope on Tuesday and he said the doctor did n't like what he saw and ordered a Cat scan, a PET scan and an MRI. So he is freaking out. He is assuming that he will need more radiation and possibly chemotherapy if they decide to be more aggressive than the last phase of treatment. We should know something by next Friday after all the tests are complete. He doesn't want to be a burden on anyone. I'm not 12 years old. This is supposed to be a mature relationship. I can handle this. I think it's worth it. I think he is worth it. We talked for a little bit and then he had to go do some work. I kept it light and didn't push too much. But i made it clear that I wasn't going anywhere.
He woke me up Sunday morning..... things are good.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Still waiting for truth...
Today is a good day I guess. Still no word from John. He never called me back last night. I stayed up as long as I could but he didn’t call anyway. Why is it that men are so communication challenged. I think that is the #1 demise of people’s relationships. No one wants to communicate. I think everyone likes to know where they stand but I think people are too scared to ask for fear that they may hear something they don’t want to hear. I want to know one way or the other. I have had relationships end on good standings because of communication. People grow in different directions. It happens. If we are brave enough to open our mouths I think we would have greater respect and more interpersonal relationships.
My marriage failed due to lack of communication (amongst other things). James never wanted to talk. He obviously had things on his mind but never opened his mouth. I felt like a dentist trying to pry things out of him. The more I pried the more shut down he became to the point where we barely said hello.
I hope to get the truth later...no matter how painful.
My marriage failed due to lack of communication (amongst other things). James never wanted to talk. He obviously had things on his mind but never opened his mouth. I felt like a dentist trying to pry things out of him. The more I pried the more shut down he became to the point where we barely said hello.
I hope to get the truth later...no matter how painful.
Friday, February 5, 2010
I received a text,..
Well it's Friday and I am back at work. Today was good. I interviewed my relief for when I need a day off. I don't know how she is gonna work out. We will see. Private duty is not for everyone. Its literally a 24 hour job. But it broke up my day. Mario was in good spirits. He didn't even give me a hard time about exercising.
I was charging my phone before I went upstairs for the night and finally got a text from John. It read: " I know i shouldn't have done you like that but I will not be a burden on anyone because of my health issues." I asked him to please call me that I was done for the night. He said he was at work and needed to start a compressor and it might be a while and I told him I would be up. I will stay up for this. I took my Seroquel but I can stay up thru it. So it appears that Option #2 that he got bad news from his doctor may be the root evil of this fiasco. As much as I don't want him to be sick, it is nice to know that he wasn't dumping me unexplained. Well in a way he was dumping me but maybe he had a change of heart? Maybe he realized that just cutting me off was really shitty? You can't tell me that he actually wants to be alone especially if he is sick.
Realtionships are give and take. Thru good and bad. You just don't bail because someone gets a cold. No, you go make some soup and crackers and give them a warm bath and some vaporub or something. I'm a fucking nurse! How could I leave someone who was sick? Even as Mario shits his brains out when he had a stomach flu and I was there wiping his ass 47 times a day, I still felt bad for him. I would never leave him dirty. And I would never leave John just because he was sick. If I had a car, I would have driven out there (prolly gotten lost) but I would have tried to go out and see him. But what if he didn't want to see me? There was always that question. I don't chase after people. I don't wanna be that creeper girlfriend that wont leave you alone. As much as I wanted to call every ten minutes and drive out there and check on him and wait in his driveway...*I let it go. I had to accept the possibility that I would never speak to him or see him again. I am glad he text me and hopefully he will call me and tell me everything.
I can forgive him. He doesn't know me. This could all be a defensive mechanism. Maybe he didn't wanna be the one that was dumped because he got a bad prognosis. If he knew me, he would understand that I don't leave people high and dry. I will do anything and everything for a friend. The same thing for a boyfriend. Anything and everything for the people I care about. I fell hard this time. I have been so guarded over the years and I finally let someone in just a little bit and then got the door slammed in my face. I am still hurt but it will pass. I will feel better once I know what the hell is going on.
I didn't think I would ever truly let someone in again. Especially after John (Ariel's dad) and Todd. He screwed me up so bad in the head that I thought I would never love or be loved again. I know in my head that it wasn't me that it was his fault because he was the liar and the cheater. But it still doesn't change the fact that it hurt. it hurt so bad I cried everyday. Cried everyday for a long time. even after Ariel was born I still cried. I cried because I was alone and no one wanted me. I was pregnant and then a single mom with a newborn. I was a leper. If you are pregnant people assume a father is around. Well not in my case. It was even worse after she was born because when you are pregnant u are just fat but still can hang out and be a designated driver and stuff. With a newborn baby you are a cramp in the single folks' style and a leper. One of my first dates happened in Arizona and Ariel was about a year old. He was very late and we missed the movie but I invited him in to watch tv and get to know each other. He wanted to hit a homerun and I stopped him dead in his tracks and told him I wasn't that type of girl and he wasn't getting lucky on a first date. Well he was very cruel and said that it was my loss because who would want me anyway as a single mother with baggage. My heart broke and I didn't date until nearly 6-9 months later. Then there was Todd. I fell hard for him. He was so beautiful and smart and strong. He said all the right things. He had communication issues due to work but he made up for it when he did call. He said all the right things until he said nothing at all. He never asked me to stay in AZ. Everyone knew I was leaving and I guess he thought I was kidding but I was moving back to the east coast. It broke my heart again. I didn't date until I met Ron. Todd still haunts me because he keeps looking for me and finding me and professing his love and then he is gone again. Everytime he does it, it hurts so bad because it rips apart those old wounds. That glimmer of hope that we could be together. Or the thought that maybe now it was meant to be? I haven't let it go yet and I know I should but he still comes after me. Why me?? Of all the girls around he looks for me? Who knows what is really going on in AZ. He says his dad is sick and he is doing some military work down in Tuscon. Am i some kind of joke that him and his buddies gather round when he contacts me? I know now I am thinking negatively but I can't help it. I haven't had too many postitive experiences here lately.
I try not to be a pessimist but I guess that is my defense mechanism kicking in. I have been hurt so many times and I let someone in and it happened again. I think no communication like that is the worst because it just left me thinking WTF?!? What the hell did I do wrong? Was I getting the wrong signals? Did he just want to get laid? I have done the friends with benefits thing and while I want a relationship beyond sex...if that's what he wanted he could have been upfront with me about it.
Well , I'm gonna sign off from here and we will see what happens if he calls me back. I will update later. I just had to get these things off my chest. I have had enough weight on my chest for a couple days already. Good night y'all.
I was charging my phone before I went upstairs for the night and finally got a text from John. It read: " I know i shouldn't have done you like that but I will not be a burden on anyone because of my health issues." I asked him to please call me that I was done for the night. He said he was at work and needed to start a compressor and it might be a while and I told him I would be up. I will stay up for this. I took my Seroquel but I can stay up thru it. So it appears that Option #2 that he got bad news from his doctor may be the root evil of this fiasco. As much as I don't want him to be sick, it is nice to know that he wasn't dumping me unexplained. Well in a way he was dumping me but maybe he had a change of heart? Maybe he realized that just cutting me off was really shitty? You can't tell me that he actually wants to be alone especially if he is sick.
Realtionships are give and take. Thru good and bad. You just don't bail because someone gets a cold. No, you go make some soup and crackers and give them a warm bath and some vaporub or something. I'm a fucking nurse! How could I leave someone who was sick? Even as Mario shits his brains out when he had a stomach flu and I was there wiping his ass 47 times a day, I still felt bad for him. I would never leave him dirty. And I would never leave John just because he was sick. If I had a car, I would have driven out there (prolly gotten lost) but I would have tried to go out and see him. But what if he didn't want to see me? There was always that question. I don't chase after people. I don't wanna be that creeper girlfriend that wont leave you alone. As much as I wanted to call every ten minutes and drive out there and check on him and wait in his driveway...*I let it go. I had to accept the possibility that I would never speak to him or see him again. I am glad he text me and hopefully he will call me and tell me everything.
I can forgive him. He doesn't know me. This could all be a defensive mechanism. Maybe he didn't wanna be the one that was dumped because he got a bad prognosis. If he knew me, he would understand that I don't leave people high and dry. I will do anything and everything for a friend. The same thing for a boyfriend. Anything and everything for the people I care about. I fell hard this time. I have been so guarded over the years and I finally let someone in just a little bit and then got the door slammed in my face. I am still hurt but it will pass. I will feel better once I know what the hell is going on.
I didn't think I would ever truly let someone in again. Especially after John (Ariel's dad) and Todd. He screwed me up so bad in the head that I thought I would never love or be loved again. I know in my head that it wasn't me that it was his fault because he was the liar and the cheater. But it still doesn't change the fact that it hurt. it hurt so bad I cried everyday. Cried everyday for a long time. even after Ariel was born I still cried. I cried because I was alone and no one wanted me. I was pregnant and then a single mom with a newborn. I was a leper. If you are pregnant people assume a father is around. Well not in my case. It was even worse after she was born because when you are pregnant u are just fat but still can hang out and be a designated driver and stuff. With a newborn baby you are a cramp in the single folks' style and a leper. One of my first dates happened in Arizona and Ariel was about a year old. He was very late and we missed the movie but I invited him in to watch tv and get to know each other. He wanted to hit a homerun and I stopped him dead in his tracks and told him I wasn't that type of girl and he wasn't getting lucky on a first date. Well he was very cruel and said that it was my loss because who would want me anyway as a single mother with baggage. My heart broke and I didn't date until nearly 6-9 months later. Then there was Todd. I fell hard for him. He was so beautiful and smart and strong. He said all the right things. He had communication issues due to work but he made up for it when he did call. He said all the right things until he said nothing at all. He never asked me to stay in AZ. Everyone knew I was leaving and I guess he thought I was kidding but I was moving back to the east coast. It broke my heart again. I didn't date until I met Ron. Todd still haunts me because he keeps looking for me and finding me and professing his love and then he is gone again. Everytime he does it, it hurts so bad because it rips apart those old wounds. That glimmer of hope that we could be together. Or the thought that maybe now it was meant to be? I haven't let it go yet and I know I should but he still comes after me. Why me?? Of all the girls around he looks for me? Who knows what is really going on in AZ. He says his dad is sick and he is doing some military work down in Tuscon. Am i some kind of joke that him and his buddies gather round when he contacts me? I know now I am thinking negatively but I can't help it. I haven't had too many postitive experiences here lately.
I try not to be a pessimist but I guess that is my defense mechanism kicking in. I have been hurt so many times and I let someone in and it happened again. I think no communication like that is the worst because it just left me thinking WTF?!? What the hell did I do wrong? Was I getting the wrong signals? Did he just want to get laid? I have done the friends with benefits thing and while I want a relationship beyond sex...if that's what he wanted he could have been upfront with me about it.
Well , I'm gonna sign off from here and we will see what happens if he calls me back. I will update later. I just had to get these things off my chest. I have had enough weight on my chest for a couple days already. Good night y'all.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
formspring.me
If you could date any celebrity, who would it be?
i don't know if i would actually wanna date rather than just use as part of my kinky fascinations
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Can you hear the blood dripping from my broken heart?
Well it's been almost 48 hours since I heard from John. I bought hockey tickets for tonight's game vs the Phantoms and I guess one is gonna go to waste. I got on Twitter and on the phone trying to find anyone who may be interested in going. Not even to recoup the ticket just if they wanna go. This has me quite upset because I hate to waste things. I am even more upset that I haven't heard form him. There are a few options here.
Option #1=he never wants to see me again and is using the if I don't contact her eventually she will go away technique.
Option #2=he got really bad news from his dr appt and has reclused in his home and doesn't want to talk to anyone namely me.
Option #3=he lost his phone and doesn't know my number by heart. (lord knows I have no idea what his phone number is either)
Option #4=doesn't want to celebrate his birthday. But if that was the case, he could have called yesterday so that goes back to Options 2+3
Option #5= He is seeing someone else and is giving them 100% of his attention. Goes back to Option #1
Option #6=I have no fucking idea....that's all I got.
I wanna believe option 2 or 3....I really hope it is not Option 2 because that would mean he is sick. So, I wanna believe that it is option 3 because then I can see not having a couple hundred dollars laying around to buy new iPhone.
So me and Ariel are going to hockey tonight. We had a steak dinner (intended birthday dinner) and we are going to have a good time. Ariel earned her ticket through school and so I am not going to deprive her of her night. I tried all my power to find someone to fill the now empty seat but maybe I will find someone at the stadium that needs a ticket. I am borrowing Iyishia's car so I don't have to worry about carfare so I will have taxi money for Friday morning to get to work.
This hurts my heart. My heart is breaking and he doesn't even know it. I fell too hard too fast. The thought that there was someone for me was so appealing and seductive. And now I am just hurting. This fucking sucks. In light of all my pain, I still hope that he is okay.
Off to Mohegan Sun Arena formerly known as Wachovia Arena formerly known as First Union Arena.....and the hits keep coming.
Option #1=he never wants to see me again and is using the if I don't contact her eventually she will go away technique.
Option #2=he got really bad news from his dr appt and has reclused in his home and doesn't want to talk to anyone namely me.
Option #3=he lost his phone and doesn't know my number by heart. (lord knows I have no idea what his phone number is either)
Option #4=doesn't want to celebrate his birthday. But if that was the case, he could have called yesterday so that goes back to Options 2+3
Option #5= He is seeing someone else and is giving them 100% of his attention. Goes back to Option #1
Option #6=I have no fucking idea....that's all I got.
I wanna believe option 2 or 3....I really hope it is not Option 2 because that would mean he is sick. So, I wanna believe that it is option 3 because then I can see not having a couple hundred dollars laying around to buy new iPhone.
So me and Ariel are going to hockey tonight. We had a steak dinner (intended birthday dinner) and we are going to have a good time. Ariel earned her ticket through school and so I am not going to deprive her of her night. I tried all my power to find someone to fill the now empty seat but maybe I will find someone at the stadium that needs a ticket. I am borrowing Iyishia's car so I don't have to worry about carfare so I will have taxi money for Friday morning to get to work.
This hurts my heart. My heart is breaking and he doesn't even know it. I fell too hard too fast. The thought that there was someone for me was so appealing and seductive. And now I am just hurting. This fucking sucks. In light of all my pain, I still hope that he is okay.
Off to Mohegan Sun Arena formerly known as Wachovia Arena formerly known as First Union Arena.....and the hits keep coming.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Missing something
This is exactly the point in realtionships that I want to bail. The point where things are going really good and one day there is an absence and my heart starts to hurt a little bit and I don't want that hurt to grow and I get that fight or flight response. But I feel bad about it. Things have been going really well with me and John and I was supposed to see him today after his doctor's appointment.
**a little background info**
John was diagnosed with cancer last year and went through radiation therapy and got a clean bill of health in December not long before we met in January. That is the really short annotated version for now just so things make sense.
So his appointment was at 2:45pm and then he was gonna come over this evening like dinnertime etc and probably stay. Well, I screwed up the other day and overdrafted my bank account and so i was strapped for cash and felt really bad that I didn't have enough foresight to buy his birthday present FIRST before I went shopping for Iyishia's baby shower that is in March and the valentines day party later in the month at Ariel's school. But live and learn. ANYWAY...so I was planning on selling our DS games towards a new Wii set and so I sold them today so I could buy him hockey tickets for his birthday. So why all this???
Well I haven't heard from him since last night around 8pm. He went to Giant after leaving here because he was out of coffee filters and coffee. PS...that is just plan old SINFUL to let even occur but whatever. So he said his phone was flasking red and battery was just about dead. So he was going to go home and charge his phone and go to bed. Well that's the last I heard from him. He usually wakes me up in the morning with a wake up call. Well I got no wakeup call. The day went on and I text him that I was out and about. No response. No big deal. His appt time came and went and when I got home and settled I called twice and went straight to VM. Well now I am worried. So I expressed my concerns to Iyishia, my sounding board, and she asked if I left a message. Well I don't leave messages. I just don't. She said to leave a message. So I did around 7pm. I called again at 8pm and it rang before it went to VM so his phone in ON now. Well I called at 8:40 and again went to VM. Now is he sleeping? He does go to bed early?! So now it's 9:30pm and I refuse to call again. He will call if he is good and ready.
Iyishia said that I should be worried/concerned not pissed off/angry. I left the message and expressed my concern and I left a text as well that I was worried and please call me. Still no reply.
So why is this when i wanna bail?
Because it fucking hurts! That's why! i can't help but take it personally! who the fuck else is there? I don't wanna hurt. I have been hurt so bad that I never wanna endure that again. I'm not into pain. I'm too old for this bullshit. I just want to be happy. Last relationship...I knew it was going no where and I just let it continue out of convienence. But that relationship was over before it even started. So there was no room to be hurt except him cheating on me because I never gave him a reason to cheat. There is no excuse for cheating!
3 Cardinal Rules for dating me:
1- No Cheating
2- No hitting
3- no lying...and this is the big one and most broken.
I would rather someone tell me the truth no matter how awful and painful but know the truth and get over it than be lied to and then find out the truth and hurt even more. Just me. Don't have to agree with me. That's just me.
So here I am on a Tuesday night, my day off, blogging. With a pain in my heart. THE WORST PART IS...maybe I'm overreacting! No No No I am not overreacting. I feel this way and that's it. I am entitled to feel how I want to. The only thing I might be wrong about is that he might be having a bad day with his dr appt and all. I want to be part of that though. If we are in a relationship, no matter how new, we should be able to share this. And if it's bad.....does he think I'm not gonna find out? or I'm gonna ditch him?? I want to be with him. Sick, well, cancer, no cancer I don't care. I wanna be with him. And isn't that how it should be?
Why is it that when we are sad or pissed off we blog the most and the best? Sometimes I feel like my blog is an overrated diary of some sort. But days like today it might be worth something.
Well I know for sure that I won't hear from him tonight now that it's 10:15 at night and he is surely in bed by now or out somewhere. I hope everything is okay, I truly do. Hopefully I will hear from him tomorrow. Until then and no matter what....I am still hurting.
**a little background info**
John was diagnosed with cancer last year and went through radiation therapy and got a clean bill of health in December not long before we met in January. That is the really short annotated version for now just so things make sense.
So his appointment was at 2:45pm and then he was gonna come over this evening like dinnertime etc and probably stay. Well, I screwed up the other day and overdrafted my bank account and so i was strapped for cash and felt really bad that I didn't have enough foresight to buy his birthday present FIRST before I went shopping for Iyishia's baby shower that is in March and the valentines day party later in the month at Ariel's school. But live and learn. ANYWAY...so I was planning on selling our DS games towards a new Wii set and so I sold them today so I could buy him hockey tickets for his birthday. So why all this???
Well I haven't heard from him since last night around 8pm. He went to Giant after leaving here because he was out of coffee filters and coffee. PS...that is just plan old SINFUL to let even occur but whatever. So he said his phone was flasking red and battery was just about dead. So he was going to go home and charge his phone and go to bed. Well that's the last I heard from him. He usually wakes me up in the morning with a wake up call. Well I got no wakeup call. The day went on and I text him that I was out and about. No response. No big deal. His appt time came and went and when I got home and settled I called twice and went straight to VM. Well now I am worried. So I expressed my concerns to Iyishia, my sounding board, and she asked if I left a message. Well I don't leave messages. I just don't. She said to leave a message. So I did around 7pm. I called again at 8pm and it rang before it went to VM so his phone in ON now. Well I called at 8:40 and again went to VM. Now is he sleeping? He does go to bed early?! So now it's 9:30pm and I refuse to call again. He will call if he is good and ready.
Iyishia said that I should be worried/concerned not pissed off/angry. I left the message and expressed my concern and I left a text as well that I was worried and please call me. Still no reply.
So why is this when i wanna bail?
Because it fucking hurts! That's why! i can't help but take it personally! who the fuck else is there? I don't wanna hurt. I have been hurt so bad that I never wanna endure that again. I'm not into pain. I'm too old for this bullshit. I just want to be happy. Last relationship...I knew it was going no where and I just let it continue out of convienence. But that relationship was over before it even started. So there was no room to be hurt except him cheating on me because I never gave him a reason to cheat. There is no excuse for cheating!
3 Cardinal Rules for dating me:
1- No Cheating
2- No hitting
3- no lying...and this is the big one and most broken.
I would rather someone tell me the truth no matter how awful and painful but know the truth and get over it than be lied to and then find out the truth and hurt even more. Just me. Don't have to agree with me. That's just me.
So here I am on a Tuesday night, my day off, blogging. With a pain in my heart. THE WORST PART IS...maybe I'm overreacting! No No No I am not overreacting. I feel this way and that's it. I am entitled to feel how I want to. The only thing I might be wrong about is that he might be having a bad day with his dr appt and all. I want to be part of that though. If we are in a relationship, no matter how new, we should be able to share this. And if it's bad.....does he think I'm not gonna find out? or I'm gonna ditch him?? I want to be with him. Sick, well, cancer, no cancer I don't care. I wanna be with him. And isn't that how it should be?
Why is it that when we are sad or pissed off we blog the most and the best? Sometimes I feel like my blog is an overrated diary of some sort. But days like today it might be worth something.
Well I know for sure that I won't hear from him tonight now that it's 10:15 at night and he is surely in bed by now or out somewhere. I hope everything is okay, I truly do. Hopefully I will hear from him tomorrow. Until then and no matter what....I am still hurting.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Sunday...making up for lost time
Sunday January 31, 2010
I have been slacking off. I haven’t blogged as I should have been. I have gone a whole week withou9t blogging. I guess when I have nothing to do, I blog. But that is no excuse. I’m not sure exactly what I did on Monday. I know I did some cleaning around the house but can’t recall much else. On Tuesday it was time to take the kittens to the vet. They are ok. They got dewormed, got their rabies shots and two other immunizations, and got an antibiotic to treat Oliver’s eyes and their sour bellies. After dropping the kitties off it was time for training at Pacheco’s. We ordered pizza and then watched a video of Mark Smith on dream making. I have to make a dream board. And think big. I spoke to John from Iyishia’s and when I got home. He slept all day because he was up all night with the stomach flu. Probably got it from Mackenzie because he saw her on Saturday after she was sick Friday and Saturday.
Wednesday John took off from work. He came over and we went shopping. I feel like whenever I am with John we are shopping. We had Chinese for lunch and so I didn’t make dinner because he said he wasn’t hungry. H e forgot his clothes so he had to go home. He came back Thursday morning and we took a ride to Lake Ariel to pick up his tax information. We stopped in Dickson City to continue to look for the stuff for the capias. No luck in that department. On our way back home we stopped and did his taxes. He made 101,000 last year. I can’t even touch that. It makes me wonder what I can bring to the table. He has a house, a car, rental properties and all this other stuff. What do I ever have to offer? I can’t help but feel inadequate. I don’t know how to bring it up either. I don’t know what he thinks I make but I’m sure it’s not his expectation. Sure, I am always shopping but he sees me when I have money and I just happened to be planning a party. His birthday is Feb 3 and I have nothing for him. I don’t know that I should be expected to exchange gifts. My birthday is on the 21st and I will feel like an asshole if he gets me something and I didn’t get her something. How do I get into these messes? I over-drafted my account by mistake so I have $25 to my name until the 8th. It’s not so bad. I only have $20 for a taxi to work and then $2 for the bus. I might even take the bus to work so I can save my $20. That is if I can get my ass out of bed on Friday morning. That is doubtful. Then I get paid on that Monday that I leave work. So if I can make it through this week I will be okay. I have food and all at the house so there is really no reason for me to need any money for anything I even have garbage stickers. John is picking me up on Monday morning from work so I will be home early to catch the garbage men. How do I bring up the subject of our birthdays? I will just bring it up. What else am I going to do? Maybe he will value my honesty. I’m going to tell him I wasn’t expecting my student loans to come out of my income and I over-drafted my account. I have nothing to buy anything with. I guess that is my only option really. I just don’t want Wednesday to come around and come up empty-handed.
John stayed over on Thursday night so he could take me to work on Friday morning. Ariel had a fit of course. She wanted to sleep with me. She has been sleeping in her own bed for a little while now and of course she wanted to show her ass because John was there. Last time he stayed over she was at Iyishia’s already because they had no school on Saturday and I was off that Friday. So Ariel wasn’t affected. It doesn’t change the fact that she has to get used to sleeping in her bed and someone else sleeping in mine. He let me oversleep so I had to get ready and jet set out of the house. Walt came to pick me up with the taxi. Oops! I forgot to call him and cancel. I have to make sure I call him this week so I can get my ride.
Friday sucked at work. Mario pissed himself like every 10 minutes and had an attitude all day about exercise. It’s not my fault that he pees every ten minutes. And I mean that quite literally. I actually counted today. He peed 6 times in one hour. I couldn’t believe it. How can one man produce so much pee? Or how can one man have to pee 3 drops? He can’t hold ANYTHING! I was really annoyed. I wanted to smack him so bad. I couldn’t wait for him to go to bed so I could start over. John went to play poker and didn’t tell me good night. I wanted him to leave me a message and he said he would but he didn’t. He also said he would give me a wakeup call and he didn’t Saturday morning.
I got up on time Saturday morning. (Good thing I still set my alarm) But I was really hurt that I didn’t hear from him. I didn’t hear from him all day long. It was the most boring nerve-wrecking day. I had nothing to keep me sane during the day with no one to talk to. Finally, in the evening I heard from him. He said he played poker until 0430a and then slept all day. We texted for a little bit and as soon as I got upstairs I texted him and then tried to call but he didn’t answer. He falls asleep at the drop of a hat. It doesn’t change the fact that I was upset that I didn’t talk to him. It means a lot to me. I just wanna hear his voice. I don’t think that it’s a lot to ask. Especially when I am at work. It is my lifeline to the outside world.
Today, he woke me up but I was already up. He didn’t give me a wakeup until 7am. He said he had been up since 4am. Then why couldn’t he wake me up on time? So many questions. Questions, questions, questions. Today is not so bad except for the fact that he is peeing every ten minutes. Good Gad, I wish he didn’t have to take that Lasix. It is fierce. The morning consisted of me snoozing and infomercials until I finally changed that channel. Finally, there were movies on the regular channels that he could flip to by himself. Now we are watching Desperation by Stephen King. Still don’t really know what it is about but it’s better than the infomercials. Thank god we missed the polka show yesterday. He turned it on for a little bit but it was a band he knew and it was an old one from the Bloomsburg Fair. So he changed that channel YAY for me! I just have to make it through the next 4 hours until his bedtime and then one hour in the morning and I am done. Can’t wait to get out of here and go home and do nothing there. Actually, I think me and John are going to stay in bed all day. That was the plan. Or that is the plan I should say. I have a full body massage coming to me and we need some sex. Dirty raw twisty sweaty sex. Of course I will wear him out and he will sleep. LOL he snores! At night I can ignore it because I am medicated, but during the day I need to nap in another room. Or he does! I won’t be driven out of my room and my comfy bed.
Well I guess I am caught up now.
I have been slacking off. I haven’t blogged as I should have been. I have gone a whole week withou9t blogging. I guess when I have nothing to do, I blog. But that is no excuse. I’m not sure exactly what I did on Monday. I know I did some cleaning around the house but can’t recall much else. On Tuesday it was time to take the kittens to the vet. They are ok. They got dewormed, got their rabies shots and two other immunizations, and got an antibiotic to treat Oliver’s eyes and their sour bellies. After dropping the kitties off it was time for training at Pacheco’s. We ordered pizza and then watched a video of Mark Smith on dream making. I have to make a dream board. And think big. I spoke to John from Iyishia’s and when I got home. He slept all day because he was up all night with the stomach flu. Probably got it from Mackenzie because he saw her on Saturday after she was sick Friday and Saturday.
Wednesday John took off from work. He came over and we went shopping. I feel like whenever I am with John we are shopping. We had Chinese for lunch and so I didn’t make dinner because he said he wasn’t hungry. H e forgot his clothes so he had to go home. He came back Thursday morning and we took a ride to Lake Ariel to pick up his tax information. We stopped in Dickson City to continue to look for the stuff for the capias. No luck in that department. On our way back home we stopped and did his taxes. He made 101,000 last year. I can’t even touch that. It makes me wonder what I can bring to the table. He has a house, a car, rental properties and all this other stuff. What do I ever have to offer? I can’t help but feel inadequate. I don’t know how to bring it up either. I don’t know what he thinks I make but I’m sure it’s not his expectation. Sure, I am always shopping but he sees me when I have money and I just happened to be planning a party. His birthday is Feb 3 and I have nothing for him. I don’t know that I should be expected to exchange gifts. My birthday is on the 21st and I will feel like an asshole if he gets me something and I didn’t get her something. How do I get into these messes? I over-drafted my account by mistake so I have $25 to my name until the 8th. It’s not so bad. I only have $20 for a taxi to work and then $2 for the bus. I might even take the bus to work so I can save my $20. That is if I can get my ass out of bed on Friday morning. That is doubtful. Then I get paid on that Monday that I leave work. So if I can make it through this week I will be okay. I have food and all at the house so there is really no reason for me to need any money for anything I even have garbage stickers. John is picking me up on Monday morning from work so I will be home early to catch the garbage men. How do I bring up the subject of our birthdays? I will just bring it up. What else am I going to do? Maybe he will value my honesty. I’m going to tell him I wasn’t expecting my student loans to come out of my income and I over-drafted my account. I have nothing to buy anything with. I guess that is my only option really. I just don’t want Wednesday to come around and come up empty-handed.
John stayed over on Thursday night so he could take me to work on Friday morning. Ariel had a fit of course. She wanted to sleep with me. She has been sleeping in her own bed for a little while now and of course she wanted to show her ass because John was there. Last time he stayed over she was at Iyishia’s already because they had no school on Saturday and I was off that Friday. So Ariel wasn’t affected. It doesn’t change the fact that she has to get used to sleeping in her bed and someone else sleeping in mine. He let me oversleep so I had to get ready and jet set out of the house. Walt came to pick me up with the taxi. Oops! I forgot to call him and cancel. I have to make sure I call him this week so I can get my ride.
Friday sucked at work. Mario pissed himself like every 10 minutes and had an attitude all day about exercise. It’s not my fault that he pees every ten minutes. And I mean that quite literally. I actually counted today. He peed 6 times in one hour. I couldn’t believe it. How can one man produce so much pee? Or how can one man have to pee 3 drops? He can’t hold ANYTHING! I was really annoyed. I wanted to smack him so bad. I couldn’t wait for him to go to bed so I could start over. John went to play poker and didn’t tell me good night. I wanted him to leave me a message and he said he would but he didn’t. He also said he would give me a wakeup call and he didn’t Saturday morning.
I got up on time Saturday morning. (Good thing I still set my alarm) But I was really hurt that I didn’t hear from him. I didn’t hear from him all day long. It was the most boring nerve-wrecking day. I had nothing to keep me sane during the day with no one to talk to. Finally, in the evening I heard from him. He said he played poker until 0430a and then slept all day. We texted for a little bit and as soon as I got upstairs I texted him and then tried to call but he didn’t answer. He falls asleep at the drop of a hat. It doesn’t change the fact that I was upset that I didn’t talk to him. It means a lot to me. I just wanna hear his voice. I don’t think that it’s a lot to ask. Especially when I am at work. It is my lifeline to the outside world.
Today, he woke me up but I was already up. He didn’t give me a wakeup until 7am. He said he had been up since 4am. Then why couldn’t he wake me up on time? So many questions. Questions, questions, questions. Today is not so bad except for the fact that he is peeing every ten minutes. Good Gad, I wish he didn’t have to take that Lasix. It is fierce. The morning consisted of me snoozing and infomercials until I finally changed that channel. Finally, there were movies on the regular channels that he could flip to by himself. Now we are watching Desperation by Stephen King. Still don’t really know what it is about but it’s better than the infomercials. Thank god we missed the polka show yesterday. He turned it on for a little bit but it was a band he knew and it was an old one from the Bloomsburg Fair. So he changed that channel YAY for me! I just have to make it through the next 4 hours until his bedtime and then one hour in the morning and I am done. Can’t wait to get out of here and go home and do nothing there. Actually, I think me and John are going to stay in bed all day. That was the plan. Or that is the plan I should say. I have a full body massage coming to me and we need some sex. Dirty raw twisty sweaty sex. Of course I will wear him out and he will sleep. LOL he snores! At night I can ignore it because I am medicated, but during the day I need to nap in another room. Or he does! I won’t be driven out of my room and my comfy bed.
Well I guess I am caught up now.
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