And it was 2009....

Well, I didn't blog yesterday because I was completely obsessed with #1 trying to get my iPhone to sync to my iTunes on my computer and #2 my addiction to True Blood.  "Tigger" and I share an affinity for vampire books, movies etc and she turned me onto the True Blood series. I have yet to actually read the series (which I have on my computer to read) but I have now completed both seasons of the HBO series. I can see why Tigger loves it so much. She is a horny 18yo girl.  It all is very appealing the sex and teeth and drama and sex. Did I mention all the sex?? So I watched the last 4 episodes I had left so we are talking about 4 hours of uncut drama.  Then my phone! Couldn't get it to sync for my life. I made an appointment for today at 1230pm and they called me.  We spent 3 hours on the phone with technical support trying to get my phone to sync and no dice.  So now, John, my latest venture, and I are going to take a drive to Allentown to the Apple store to try and come to a resolution. (John has an Iphone so he sympathizes with me)  I have the Apple protection plan and it is still covered under the original manufacturer's warrenty so I am good to go. I asked the IT guy how much it was gonna be and he said it was all covered and if they couldn't get it to work that they would give me a new phone. I will take my laptop with me and make sure that it will be able to sync up.  I can't exactly take my whole desktop tower with me since that is the computer that my phone is synced to  but as long as it is able to sync to ANY computer we are all good.


Well, It's back to work tomorrow.  Do I really wanna go back to work? No. I have had too many days off. I need to get back into the swing of things. It's back on my restrictive diet, back to work, back to school and my routine.  It's not so bad it's on ly 4 days. Not 6 days like Thanksgiving break. That was crazy long! This is just one extra day.  And I need that day to make rent.  I will only have 5 days of work in this pay period. It will cover rent and give me a nice cushion of money until next paycheck. And I took all those days off for vacation. Not too bad.

I have something to look forward to on Monday I get to meet John and go to Allentown and have "adult time". I definitely see some potential in him. He is older, has a child Ariel's age (as well as 2 grown children), we have similar interests and I think we are on the same page in life. John has survived cancer and is still into trying new things. He just bought a motorcycle and has excitement over it.  I think excitement is great! It means you have a fucking pulse! I wanna be excited. I am looking forward to getting off from work on Monday.  He lives on the closer side of Catawissa. If you live out in the boonies, you have to have a home.  I think a country home has to be comfortable. I am interested to see what his house looks like. He has been in the same job for 20 years. That is stability. I want stability. I want roots. I wanna plant some roots with someone.  John could be it. Never know. Time will tell.  I sent him a text to say good night because I didn't get a chance to talk to him today after work. I kind of was looking forward to talking to him.  I left a voicemail before I left the house earlier but He is probably in bed because he has to get up at the crack of dawn for 5:30am start at work but he will get the text when he gets up in the AM.

I should be getting to bed. I just took my pills. I am cramping so bad. I hate my period. I don't know a woman that actually LIKES her period though. So nothing groundbreaking there either.  If a woman actually told me she liked her period I would have to smack her to snap out of it! At least I will have my period at work and by the time Monday rolls around...it will be over! Good riddence!  I gotta be up at the crack of dawn. Something tells me I will be taking a cab to work. I just don't see me doing the whole bus thing in the morning. I will try but it's not looking promising. I think that I have to allot $40 from each paycheck for carfare so I can take a cab to work. Especially now in the winter! Screw freezing my ass off on the square! Ok, now I know I'm grouchy and tired so I'm gonna go to bed.  I hope you all find my ranting amusing or remotely interesting.  Sorry if I fail you. I always welcome feedback. Feel free to comment and give me advise. I promise to be open.

Good night all!

All the adult things to do...

Well I did all the responsible adult things today. Paid bills. Handed in paperwork. Paid the babysitter. Cooked dinner. What else is there? So I'm broke, alone and super bored and can't sleep at 2:19am.  I almost forgot to post tonight but maybe that's why I couldn't sleep.
On a lighter note, I did correspond with a couple guys today from Craigslist.  I suppose that should be the furthest thing from my mind with a period scare but I'm human and lonely.  John from Catawissa 46 years old divorced. Could be a prospect is he is willing to travel?  I dont know how to weed these men out so I am just playing it by ear. Nothing serious I am just hoping to meet new people. I haven't done bad so far but I have been stood up 3 times. 

Well i'm off until Friday. I was supposed to work on Thursday but it doesnt look like that is going to happen. Katrina is planning on getting hammered for New Year's and Iyishia is having her party. So I guess I will go to the party and then go to work the next day. 

I know I am just kinda random today. Bear with me. This is me tired.

I love my cats. They must have missed me when I was at work because they have been all lovey dovey all day long. Of course, when Ariel is not around they are magnets to me. Oliver's eye is looking better but I am still treating it with antibiotic. Mango is my heart. I love that little kitty. I never knew I could love a little fuzzball so much.  They crack me up.  We are a cute little family now. Me, Ariel, Mango Madness, Oliver Purrbucket and Ringo Byrd.  As my daughter sleeps in my bed upstairs, I am downstairs with my kittys. Mango on my left leg and Oliver closeby. Ringo actually came off her cage today to come check out the kittys.  She was nose to nose with them and didn't freak out or anything and I think the cats were just mystified by Ringo.  I left them alone for a little while but didn't wanna leave her on the floor just on case someone got bold adn took a swat or something. But it looks like we could all get along nicely. I think they are still kittens and will grow up together.

I really dont have much material today to work with so I will say good night. I promise I will be better tomorrow....or later on today however you wanna look at it.

Good night!

Back to work!

Well today is my first day back to work from Christmas vacation.  I shouldn;t complain because I have three more days off after today.

Today I placed a personal ad on CraigsList.  I got about 15 responses and began correspondance with two men.  I can't believe that there isn't someone out there for me so I might as well try. I can't expect a man to come knocking on my door and sweep me up into his arms and kiss me.  That would be nice tho! It would be even nicer if he was hot looking. This is my second time around on CraigsList.  Last time, I met Paul. Paul is a nice guy. He is 41 years old and shy. Yes, he is shy.  Very shy. We have been friends. He takes me food shopping, christmas shopping, we hang out and its nice.

Lets see what happens with this whole CraigsList thing. maybe just maybe I will find a nice man. if anything maybe I will find some more friends. It's getting lonely as time wears on. I don't get to meet anyone. Where am I gonna meet someone? The whole meeting process is my challenge and I don't get any help from my friends. I haven't gotten any referrals from them.

I just want to be happy. I want to have a companion in this life. I want my daughter to have a male figure in her life so that she may see not all men are losers. There are some good men still left in this world. She wants me to be married. I am not sure that would get married again. I would rather live in sin and be happy. A piece of paper is not going to make me love anyone any more or less. I did the whole white wedding thing. That just isn’t that important to me anymore. I will not be like some that are constantly pressuring the man in their life to get married. If a man wants to get married so be it. I will be perfectly content getting married at the courthouse and taking a nice vacation. I never had a true honeymoon. We took 2 days off from work and that was it. I want to go on a real vacation. I have never been on a cruise. I think that would be nice. I would like to go overseas. I think that would be a true vacation for me. I would finally like to leave the United States. I would be happy taking a train tour of Europe. My friends from NYC are always going on vacation and that makes me jealous. I guess because my friends are dealing with good salaries and sometimes dual incomes or limited expenses that they can afford to go on vacations regularly. Little by little my friends are passing me by and getting married. I’m the last one left. I have even seen my ex’s getting married and it makes me think. Why not me? Why did they not want me? Why did they cheat on me? What did I do wrong? I have no answers. Scott was my boyfriend of almost two years and I got pregnant by him and then had appendicitis which was ok because they didi the D&C at the same time and terminated my ptrgnancy. Well, our relationship didn’t survive the pregnancy. It ended shortly after that. He wasn’t ready for a family. I guess he is ready now. He had a child out of wedlock with this woman. It just makes me wonder. Why not me? What made him so ready now? Of course, that was 14 years ago. It seems like just yesterday in some respects. It was a lifetime ago. My life was so different then, so very different. Where would I be now if I would have just gone back to work for FDNY and ignored my knee. Where would I be? Would I be a Lt. now? I would have 12 years invested now. Instead, here I am in PA, alone and struggling. I’m not throwing myself a pity party but just looking at my life and thinking what if’s. I suppose that is not healthy because it doesn’t accomplish anything. I can’t help it.



Well, as my goal is fulfilled today and even while I am at work, I am typing on my laptop. I have very spotty internet wireless service here. So, while this post may be dated tomorrow, it was written today. I will try and post it in a timely manner.

The Aftermath

Today was a complete blessed waste of a day! I guess with the stresses of work, the holidays and plain old lack of sleep...today my body claimed its stake in sleep.  I woke up at 12 noon, staggered downstairs to find some form of nourishment, fed the animals and proceeded to sit on the couch. Sitting gave way to slouching and slouching gave way to laying and i was asleep before the end of iCarly episode that was on the TV.  My little Mango curled up on my hip and slept with me on the couch.

 My little Mango.  I haven't had a cat in years and now I remember the joy of living with a cat.  Ariel's cat, Oliver, will pretty much let her do anything to him and with him.God bless his little heart! LOL!  My Mango, on the other hand, is headstrong and independant and is my cat. He does what he wants and when he wants. He plainly doesn't like Ariel. When she is awake, Mango is not to be found or inaccessible.  He finds protection and security within my folds and body. He is my comfort. It makes me happy when he snuggles and sleeps in the bed with me at my head. I love to hear him purr.  Purring is a cat's happy sound.  Making people, or my pets, happy makes me happy.  I don't know why I haven't had a cat earlier than today, but I have no regrets.  Now I have the time, patience and attention span for a cat.  My cat's name is Mango Madness.

I never realized, until last night, how my mom and my childhood have shaped some of my behaviors and lifestyle.  The whole point of journaling or blogging is to have a sense of release. (for me at least. some people may have other views) In some aspects of my life I still feel "bottled up". At times, I want to sit down and just talk and cry, just because.  Maybe this will be the beginning of my book? Maybe this will be the start of me telling my story.  You can't make this shit up.  My childhood was a thriller novel.  It was the mold by which I was made.  There is no other mold in existance. Just me. What I endured, no other child should go through. I thnak god for my daughter every day. My miracle baby. With her, i will make all the wrongs that were done to me right.  She may be spoiled rotten, but I would rather her be spoiled than to live one day in my little shoes.

My mom said I would have a baby by anyone just to have someone love me.  Just because she gave birth to me, doesn't mean I have to love her. I don't have to like her. She never liked me. She never loved me.  I should have never been born.  She told me so. "There are parts of me that hate you." Those words will resinate in my heart and in my mind for the rest of my life. I would rather be called every cuss word and all kinds and breeds of bitches and cunts than to hear those words out load again.  It has been eight years since we had that "heart to heart" in the car over ice cream and it still stings. I don't know if that wound will ever heal? All I know is what my very own mother taught me, ironically. Hate is a very strong word. We may not like something but we do not hate.  For my mother to use that very word "hate", the very word I was taught never to use because of its power, used that word to describe me. I think that's what hurts the most.

I may not have any followers today. I may not have followers tomorrow but I believe this blog will help me.  Help me to let it all out.  Release me.  Help me heal. Its more of a commitment to myself to heal. Maybe it will help someone along the way. I hope it does. Even if our stories are completely different, maybe someone else will find the courage to let it all hang out. Air the dirty laundry. Clean out the skeletons in the closet. Start anew. This is my hope and my wish. Good night.

Well as Christmas Day winds down, we are stuffed to the gills and washed up on the couch. Now we are settling down to watch a movie. We are watching My Sisters Keeper. It's the holidays when your true friends shine brightly. Most people we may call friends are truly fair weather friends. Real friends are with you no matter what the weather, day of the week or circumstance. I am blessed to have both my old friends and my new friends in my life. I may not say it, I may not even overtly show it but I love each and everyone of you. Thank you for being in my life! Merry Christmas!

Christmas 2009- Tminus 6 days to Project 365

I have a few days yet officially until Project 365 begins but I am starting now. I think I might as well get in a rhythm and start making habit of blogging. This is my first blog after years of not journaling. I used to write in a journal all the time growing up until my words were used against me. It is expected for siblings to read your diary but your parent is another thing. I had no free expression or sense of release because my life and my ideas and my journal needed to be censored to avoid my mother's unrelenting anger and wrath.  As a young adult, my journals were found as well. I even went so far as to put warning labels on the first page of my journals. The warning label would read...These are my private thoughts, opinions  and feelings. If you don't want to know the truth or are frightened by it close the cover. I will not apologize nor retract these words....You think that would keep people's nosy bodies out of my journal. Nope! Instead, I got confronted about WHY I felt this way and people got offended if I said something about them. Well, if I wrote that Person X needed a shower because they were ripe today, that doesnt mean I don't like them but they smelled and possibly needed a shower. Whatever! I figure an online blog is liberating because it's releasing energy and thoughts into the wide open and can receive open feedback at the same time! Sometimes, I need to knock ideas off of people and have no one around. I have a small pool of friends. While they are great friends, it's hard to talk or criticize or discuss some issues with friends. I figure the internet is this great big open forum of opinions waiting to be tapped into. I recently discovered the world of Twitter and all it's wonders. I actually have met and interacted with a couple people and that's better than any bar to meet new friends.  My family has expanded from Twitter.  I have been criticized for using Twitter. Why would people need to post constantly? Well, I don't have open ears or even colleagues to share my day with on a daily basis. I also like to see what others are thinking! Do they have just as random thoughts as I do? LOL! Those random ADD thoughts that change universes from minute to minute? My nickname is Dory. Yes, Dory like the little blue fish from Saving Nemo.  I forget almost everything and have a serious time focusing if its not something of interest. So here is my blog! Uncensored, raw, random, and all about me and the world around me. Welcome to my little family!  -Dory