I received a text,..

Well it's Friday and I am back at work. Today was good. I interviewed my relief for when I need a day off. I don't know how she is gonna work out. We will see. Private duty is not for everyone. Its literally a 24 hour job. But it broke up my day. Mario was in good spirits. He didn't even give me a hard time about exercising.

I was charging my phone before I went upstairs for the night and finally got a text from John. It read: " I know i shouldn't have done you like that but I will not be a burden on anyone because of my health issues." I asked him to please call me that I was done for the night. He said he was at work and needed to start a compressor and it might be a while and I told him I would be up. I will stay up for this. I took my Seroquel but I can stay up thru it. So it appears that Option #2 that he got bad news from his doctor may be the root evil of this fiasco. As much as I don't want him to be sick, it is nice to know that he wasn't dumping me unexplained. Well in a way he was dumping me but maybe he had a change of heart? Maybe he realized that just cutting me off was really shitty? You can't tell me that he actually wants to be alone especially if he is sick.

Realtionships are give and take. Thru good and bad. You just don't bail because someone gets a cold. No, you go make some soup and crackers and give them a warm bath and some vaporub or something. I'm a fucking nurse! How could I leave someone who was sick? Even as Mario shits his brains out when he had a stomach flu and I was there wiping his ass 47 times a day, I still felt bad for him. I would never leave him dirty. And I would never leave John just because he was sick. If I had a car, I would have driven out there (prolly gotten lost) but I would have tried to go out and see him. But what if he didn't want to see me? There was always that question. I don't chase after people. I don't wanna be that creeper girlfriend that wont leave you alone. As much as I wanted to call every ten minutes and drive out there and check on him and wait in his driveway...*I let it go. I had to accept the possibility that I would never speak to him or see him again. I am glad he text me and hopefully he will call me and tell me everything.

I can forgive him. He doesn't know me. This could all be a defensive mechanism. Maybe he didn't wanna be the one that was dumped because he got a bad prognosis. If he knew me, he would understand that I don't leave people high and dry. I will do anything and everything for a friend. The same thing for a boyfriend. Anything and everything for the people I care about. I fell hard this time. I have been so guarded over the years and I finally let someone in just a little bit and then got the door slammed in my face. I am still hurt but it will pass. I will feel better once I know what the hell is going on.

I didn't think I would ever truly let someone in again. Especially after John (Ariel's dad) and Todd. He screwed me up so bad in the head that I thought I would never love or be loved again. I know in my head that it wasn't me that it was his fault because he was the liar and the cheater. But it still doesn't change the fact that it hurt. it hurt so bad I cried everyday. Cried everyday for a long time. even after Ariel was born I still cried. I cried because I was alone and no one wanted me. I was pregnant and then a single mom with a newborn. I was a leper. If you are pregnant people assume a father is around. Well not in my case. It was even worse after she was born because when you are pregnant u are just fat but still can hang out and be a designated driver and stuff. With a newborn baby you are a cramp in the single folks' style and a leper. One of my first dates happened in Arizona and Ariel was about a year old. He was very late and we missed the movie but I invited him in to watch tv and get to know each other. He wanted to hit a homerun and I stopped him dead in his tracks and told him I wasn't that type of girl and he wasn't getting lucky on a first date. Well he was very cruel and said that it was my loss because who would want me anyway as a single mother with baggage. My heart broke and I didn't date until nearly 6-9 months later. Then there was Todd. I fell hard for him. He was so beautiful and smart and strong. He said all the right things. He had communication issues due to work but he made up for it when he did call. He said all the right things until he said nothing at all. He never asked me to stay in AZ. Everyone knew I was leaving and I guess he thought I was kidding but I was moving back to the east coast. It broke my heart again. I didn't date until I met Ron. Todd still haunts me because he keeps looking for me and finding me and professing his love and then he is gone again. Everytime he does it, it hurts so bad because it rips apart those old wounds. That glimmer of hope that we could be together. Or the thought that maybe now it was meant to be? I haven't let it go yet and I know I should but he still comes after me. Why me?? Of all the girls around he looks for me? Who knows what is really going on in AZ. He says his dad is sick and he is doing some military work down in Tuscon. Am i some kind of joke that him and his buddies gather round when he contacts me? I know now I am thinking negatively but I can't help it. I haven't had too many postitive experiences here lately.

I try not to be a pessimist but I guess that is my defense mechanism kicking in. I have been hurt so many times and I let someone in and it happened again. I think no communication like that is the worst because it just left me thinking WTF?!? What the hell did I do wrong? Was I getting the wrong signals? Did he just want to get laid? I have done the friends with benefits thing and while I want a relationship beyond sex...if that's what he wanted he could have been upfront with me about it.

Well , I'm gonna sign off from here and we will see what happens if he calls me back. I will update later. I just had to get these things off my chest. I have had enough weight on my chest for a couple days already. Good night y'all.