I never thought I would be self-defeating. For me sleep has always been a challenge in my adult life. I became accustomed to getting every ounce of sleep I could muster whenever that may be. But I was wrong in my futile attempts at sleep. Linda, my drug dealer, well not really but she writes my prescriptions for me, she said I had bad sleep habits. I argued that I didn't because I would go to sleep at the same time every night, I took my meds as I was supposed to and I tried to wake up every day at the same time. Well, I may have been doing all that but I was sabotaging myself too. I would wake up in the morning and take Ariel to school and then come home and go back to bed. Mistake #1 then midday I would take a nap Mistake #2 then I would take my medicine RIGHT WHEN I wanted to go to sleep Mistake #3. So here is what I have done.
For the last few days that I have been home from work I have been forcing myself to stay awake during the day. No going back to bed. I can lay in bed, read in bed, play on my computer in bed but not sleep. This has been a challenge since I get obred and have nothing to fucking do. So I have been downloading and watching movies and music. This makes me happy because now I have a whole bunch of music on the iTunes and onto my iPod. What I did was took all my favorites that I listen to all the time and put them on my iPhone. Then i erased all the old music from my iPod and replaced it with new music that I haven't listened to yet to screen and see if I like it. Then I will take the songs I like and put them onto my iPhone to go into rotation. YAY for music!
Next....no afternoon naps and if I do nap only limited to one hour. I only took one nap in the last 5 days and it was precisely one hour and a few minutes depending on what clock you were looking at. This seem easy enough if I keep myself busy.
Now here comes the hard part. I have to eat dinner at 6pm and take my medicine at 7pm for it to work. I had been taking my medicine whenever I was ready to go to bed so it took that much longer for it to take affect and I would lay in bed tossing and turning. I went to bed last night a little after 9:30pm and didn't have to take Trazadone to knock me out. I was so proud of myself. Then this morning I was up before the fourteenth alarm clock went off and actually outta bed by 7:30am. Miraculous! I don't feel tired. Well this morning just a little bit. But I gotta get moving and find something to do. Yesterday, I went food shopping. I didn't know if Iyishia was going to have her car so I took the bus immediately after dropping Ariel off for school. I lounged around the supermarket looking at everything just cruising down the aisles and low and behold there was Iyishia. God sent her to me! I was amazed and stupified. So she gave me a ride home. When I got home not only did I put the groceries away but I cleaned the entire kitchen and straightened up....then went back to downloading stuff for the rest of the day.
So I guess the secret is....stay awake during the day even if I don't want to. If I take a nap limit it to only one hour (unless I am ill), take my meds soon after eating dinner which should be somewhere around the hour of 7pm and get to bed early so I can wake up in the morning.
I am not tired more than I am bored. My body is saying Fuck it go back to bed and my brain is saying sounds good but that's a bad idea. So I guess for once I have to listen to my brain (and Linda) and stay awake. I'm gonna call Iyishia later when I am done with this round of downloads and see if she will pick me up to hang out. That will give me something to do.
Well that's my observation of self and entry for today. Happy sleeping!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Music
Music has liberated me. From as far back as I can remember music has been a part of my life. From the womb, my mother took me to concerts and surrounded me with music. It is no wonder that music runs through my veins and into my soul. When my life took a turn to shit at a very young age as my mother deterioarted into her splintered psyche, music saved me. Music encapsulated me, wrapped its arms around me and took me away from my life. My punishment went from the physical beatings to taking away my music. I would rather take a beating than watch my mother throw my cassettes (yeah I had cassettes AND albums) into a great big black garbage bag and throw them away. I managed to salvage some and hide them away in any nook and cranny I could but I couldnt save them all. So I resorted to radio. I taped everything. I had to have music. I taped it so I could listen on my walkman (yeah had one of those too) When "plugged in" I could escape. I could escape into the music and disappear to somewhere ANYWHERE else but my life. School was torture because my mother was a teacher. One would think life in school would be a little easier having a mom that was a teacher but quite the contrary. She made my life hell. I would be doing next year's work over the summer and god forbid after all that if I got one answer wrong. I would have to do my work over and over and over til it was perfect. English papers were even worse. My mother was an English teacher. When my papers were graqded poorly because lord knows my mom made sure that they were perfect before I handed them in, she actually went to the school to reprimand the teacher at parent teacher conferences! I was the A student with the psycho teacher mom. In high school I was able to disappear. Disappear into the crowd. And when things got too heated I could disappear into the music. The more orchestratic the music the more I loved it. The more passionate the more I disappeared. I could be the music. Even a sad song was liberating because I could filter all my emotions through the music. By the end of the song it was a three minute therapy session. The more music the more therapy. My mom sent me to therapy and then wanted to know what was said so she grilled the therapist. If I knew then that it was totally unethical it would have been on but i was a kid. All I knew was that grownups will betray you because grownups stuck together. The ones who were supposed to help you and hear you only filtered info to my mother. I was alone and I stayed there. Once in high school, there was a group kinda therapy closed sessions called SPARK. I don't really know how I got involved but it helped. I gave adults another chance. I opened up slightly and found a way to cope. I stopped crying. I took the power away from her. This made her more angry and the beatings got worse. But after it was over she left me alone. I wanted her to tell me to go to my room but she never left me alone. I wanted to be alone in my room but even after she sent me there she had to come in and verbally abuse me. Then I hit back. That was the beginning of the end. My beatings turned into all out brawls literally on the bathroom floor. My stepdad just left. He walked out. Things got bad and he never intervened. He left me there with that psycho. If anyone ever saw Mommy Dearest they could see my life. I lived that movie. My mom treated me like Cinderella at home and showed me off as her pride and joy in public. Until we got home. I remember the bathroom scene so vividly it scars me for life. Just like the movie, my mom threw Ajax all over the bathroom. Have u ever used Ajax? A little bit goes a long way and that shit never comes off and leaves a film everywhere! There is probably still Ajax in that bathroom from 1989! So just like my stepdad I left. I left whenever I could. I would go to my Uncle Raymond's house. But he betrayed me too. He never stood up for me. My mom would come and get me and he would send me home with her. Then mom decided she was gonna get sober. I don't know who was worse drunk abusive mom or on the wagon abusive mom who was "saved" and "redeemed" and everyone else was fucked up. Everyone else was a drunk or a drug addict or just plain old fucked up. She was the messiah. So I tried to go along with it. I wanted to try and go with the flow and not rock the boat. Mom put me back in therapy but I told them what they wanted to hear. All they wanted to hear was how my mom was doing. She is the one who needed therapy more than me. So I went to these Al-Anon and Alateen meetings because according to mom I needed a 12 step program. It was just a chance to get me out of the house. Fine I could open up if I wanted to but who was gonna believe me and what were they gonna do about it anyway. I still had my music. That was my therapy. Music kept me sane. In a world that was chaos and insane and violent music saved me. From heavy metal as an expression of anger, to passionate soul and r&b to cry to and pop music to pep me up and be happy and motivated. Music saved me. Then I left for the last time. I still went to school but my mom had to teach. She couldn't be chasing after me. She didn't pay attention to me long enough to know I had friends beyond Rachel. Me and Rachel were friends since the 4th grade. The only reason my mom liked her is because her mom was a teacher and she thought she was gonna rat me out. But she never did. I thank Sahron for that. I was allowed to be a kid. To just hang out for a little bit. I could go outside and play. That was big. I was a prisoner in a war I didn't start and didn't want to be a part of. I was repeatedly attacked like a superpower invading Ethiopia. What the hell is Ethiopia gonna do? They don't even have food, nevermind the energy to fight. It was a losing battle and I was on the losing end. I was Ethiopia. So I left for the last time. I was gone for three weeks. This time it wasn't off to Uncle Raymond's house or Gramma's or Uncle Robert's (who lived right upstairs from my gramma) I went to friend's houses. I couchsurfed from one friend to another. Their parents knew what was going on and wanted to help me but I didn't want them to get in trouble so when my mom came sniffing around, i changed places. Finally my gramma convinced me to meet up with my mom at the place where we got "therapy". Mom brought the cops. Either I went home with her or I became a ward of the state and left with the cops. But there was a light! If I went home with her, the very next day she pulled me out of school and put me in boarding school. A "residential theraputic community"...whatever! IT'S BOARDING SCHOOL. So I went. I didn't have to live with her anymore. I would be here til I graduated school. I wasn't even thinking beyond there. I would stay here as long as I didn't have to be with her. She could visit but she couldn't be abusive or she had to leave. She couldn't hit me. She couldn't berate me. For the first time in years, i was safe. But I lost the "priviledge" of music. but onloy for a little while. We had a clock radio. That was enough. Music saved me from boarding school too. I was locked up but I was safe.
Music continues to be my saving grace. I listen to music constantly. I can't get enough. I have over 40 gigs of music. 40 of it on my computer and I just keep on adding my old cd's to iTunes little by little. Today I was home and did nothing but download music. No cleaning, no sleeping (well I took an hour nap midday) but I just got music. I took almost all the old music off my iPod and replaced it with new music so I can see what I like and weed it out. I kept the all time, listen over and over favorites on my iPhone. As I experience the new music, I can transfer new songs onto my iPhone to go into rotation.I listen to music at work, I listen to music at home, I listen to music when I cross the street to pick Ariel up from school, music is everywhere. I like music on the bus. I can escape the smelly, dirty pigs and the little old ladys and dissolve into my music. I highly recommend music to anyone. It kept me sane. I thought I was the crazy one for years only to find out my mom has disassociative disorder. Commonly known as multiple personalitys. I only found out that fact about 8 years ago. 8 years ago the world and my life gained clarity. I wasn't the crazy one, she was. She didn't remember half or even like an eighth of the crap that transpired over the years. She wasn't in charge of the committee. That's what i call her "disorder" the "committee. She can have a party and not have to invite a single person and not have a drink and blackout. But the most devestating thing I have ever heard in my ENTIRE life was the day that my mother told me that there were "parts of me that hate you". Hate is such a strong word. One of the most powerful words I can think of in the english language. It was engrained in me BY MY MOTHER that never to say hate. You dislike things. You can even abhor or be disgusted by things but not hate. She used the word hate in the same sentence as me. I can never forgive her or the committee for that. But I am stuck as a teenager. I am not a nurse, a college grad, a mother, a paramedic or even a grownup. To her I am a stupid teenager that she hates. She is stuck and I am not. And I refuse to be. I moved on. My mother is no longer a part of our lives. It's been 6 years now. I am a better person. I am healthier without her. I am happy and secure in my being without her. Let her stay gone and be enraptured in her illness. I can't help her and won't be sucked in to her insanity and expose my daughter to that. I love my daughter too much. We are fine. And I still have music. Music is my salvation. Find your music. Don't limit yourself to a genre. Try them all. You don't have to like all of it maybe just a song here and there but find music. It helped me. I hope it will bless your life too.
I feel better. This blog has been amazingly liberating. I have no followers today, yet. But I hope I will help you too.
Music continues to be my saving grace. I listen to music constantly. I can't get enough. I have over 40 gigs of music. 40 of it on my computer and I just keep on adding my old cd's to iTunes little by little. Today I was home and did nothing but download music. No cleaning, no sleeping (well I took an hour nap midday) but I just got music. I took almost all the old music off my iPod and replaced it with new music so I can see what I like and weed it out. I kept the all time, listen over and over favorites on my iPhone. As I experience the new music, I can transfer new songs onto my iPhone to go into rotation.I listen to music at work, I listen to music at home, I listen to music when I cross the street to pick Ariel up from school, music is everywhere. I like music on the bus. I can escape the smelly, dirty pigs and the little old ladys and dissolve into my music. I highly recommend music to anyone. It kept me sane. I thought I was the crazy one for years only to find out my mom has disassociative disorder. Commonly known as multiple personalitys. I only found out that fact about 8 years ago. 8 years ago the world and my life gained clarity. I wasn't the crazy one, she was. She didn't remember half or even like an eighth of the crap that transpired over the years. She wasn't in charge of the committee. That's what i call her "disorder" the "committee. She can have a party and not have to invite a single person and not have a drink and blackout. But the most devestating thing I have ever heard in my ENTIRE life was the day that my mother told me that there were "parts of me that hate you". Hate is such a strong word. One of the most powerful words I can think of in the english language. It was engrained in me BY MY MOTHER that never to say hate. You dislike things. You can even abhor or be disgusted by things but not hate. She used the word hate in the same sentence as me. I can never forgive her or the committee for that. But I am stuck as a teenager. I am not a nurse, a college grad, a mother, a paramedic or even a grownup. To her I am a stupid teenager that she hates. She is stuck and I am not. And I refuse to be. I moved on. My mother is no longer a part of our lives. It's been 6 years now. I am a better person. I am healthier without her. I am happy and secure in my being without her. Let her stay gone and be enraptured in her illness. I can't help her and won't be sucked in to her insanity and expose my daughter to that. I love my daughter too much. We are fine. And I still have music. Music is my salvation. Find your music. Don't limit yourself to a genre. Try them all. You don't have to like all of it maybe just a song here and there but find music. It helped me. I hope it will bless your life too.
I feel better. This blog has been amazingly liberating. I have no followers today, yet. But I hope I will help you too.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
