Back to work!

Well today is my first day back to work from Christmas vacation.  I shouldn;t complain because I have three more days off after today.

Today I placed a personal ad on CraigsList.  I got about 15 responses and began correspondance with two men.  I can't believe that there isn't someone out there for me so I might as well try. I can't expect a man to come knocking on my door and sweep me up into his arms and kiss me.  That would be nice tho! It would be even nicer if he was hot looking. This is my second time around on CraigsList.  Last time, I met Paul. Paul is a nice guy. He is 41 years old and shy. Yes, he is shy.  Very shy. We have been friends. He takes me food shopping, christmas shopping, we hang out and its nice.

Lets see what happens with this whole CraigsList thing. maybe just maybe I will find a nice man. if anything maybe I will find some more friends. It's getting lonely as time wears on. I don't get to meet anyone. Where am I gonna meet someone? The whole meeting process is my challenge and I don't get any help from my friends. I haven't gotten any referrals from them.

I just want to be happy. I want to have a companion in this life. I want my daughter to have a male figure in her life so that she may see not all men are losers. There are some good men still left in this world. She wants me to be married. I am not sure that would get married again. I would rather live in sin and be happy. A piece of paper is not going to make me love anyone any more or less. I did the whole white wedding thing. That just isn’t that important to me anymore. I will not be like some that are constantly pressuring the man in their life to get married. If a man wants to get married so be it. I will be perfectly content getting married at the courthouse and taking a nice vacation. I never had a true honeymoon. We took 2 days off from work and that was it. I want to go on a real vacation. I have never been on a cruise. I think that would be nice. I would like to go overseas. I think that would be a true vacation for me. I would finally like to leave the United States. I would be happy taking a train tour of Europe. My friends from NYC are always going on vacation and that makes me jealous. I guess because my friends are dealing with good salaries and sometimes dual incomes or limited expenses that they can afford to go on vacations regularly. Little by little my friends are passing me by and getting married. I’m the last one left. I have even seen my ex’s getting married and it makes me think. Why not me? Why did they not want me? Why did they cheat on me? What did I do wrong? I have no answers. Scott was my boyfriend of almost two years and I got pregnant by him and then had appendicitis which was ok because they didi the D&C at the same time and terminated my ptrgnancy. Well, our relationship didn’t survive the pregnancy. It ended shortly after that. He wasn’t ready for a family. I guess he is ready now. He had a child out of wedlock with this woman. It just makes me wonder. Why not me? What made him so ready now? Of course, that was 14 years ago. It seems like just yesterday in some respects. It was a lifetime ago. My life was so different then, so very different. Where would I be now if I would have just gone back to work for FDNY and ignored my knee. Where would I be? Would I be a Lt. now? I would have 12 years invested now. Instead, here I am in PA, alone and struggling. I’m not throwing myself a pity party but just looking at my life and thinking what if’s. I suppose that is not healthy because it doesn’t accomplish anything. I can’t help it.



Well, as my goal is fulfilled today and even while I am at work, I am typing on my laptop. I have very spotty internet wireless service here. So, while this post may be dated tomorrow, it was written today. I will try and post it in a timely manner.