Well it's been almost 48 hours since I heard from John. I bought hockey tickets for tonight's game vs the Phantoms and I guess one is gonna go to waste. I got on Twitter and on the phone trying to find anyone who may be interested in going. Not even to recoup the ticket just if they wanna go. This has me quite upset because I hate to waste things. I am even more upset that I haven't heard form him. There are a few options here.
Option #1=he never wants to see me again and is using the if I don't contact her eventually she will go away technique.
Option #2=he got really bad news from his dr appt and has reclused in his home and doesn't want to talk to anyone namely me.
Option #3=he lost his phone and doesn't know my number by heart. (lord knows I have no idea what his phone number is either)
Option #4=doesn't want to celebrate his birthday. But if that was the case, he could have called yesterday so that goes back to Options 2+3
Option #5= He is seeing someone else and is giving them 100% of his attention. Goes back to Option #1
Option #6=I have no fucking idea....that's all I got.
I wanna believe option 2 or 3....I really hope it is not Option 2 because that would mean he is sick. So, I wanna believe that it is option 3 because then I can see not having a couple hundred dollars laying around to buy new iPhone.
So me and Ariel are going to hockey tonight. We had a steak dinner (intended birthday dinner) and we are going to have a good time. Ariel earned her ticket through school and so I am not going to deprive her of her night. I tried all my power to find someone to fill the now empty seat but maybe I will find someone at the stadium that needs a ticket. I am borrowing Iyishia's car so I don't have to worry about carfare so I will have taxi money for Friday morning to get to work.
This hurts my heart. My heart is breaking and he doesn't even know it. I fell too hard too fast. The thought that there was someone for me was so appealing and seductive. And now I am just hurting. This fucking sucks. In light of all my pain, I still hope that he is okay.
Off to Mohegan Sun Arena formerly known as Wachovia Arena formerly known as First Union Arena.....and the hits keep coming.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Missing something
This is exactly the point in realtionships that I want to bail. The point where things are going really good and one day there is an absence and my heart starts to hurt a little bit and I don't want that hurt to grow and I get that fight or flight response. But I feel bad about it. Things have been going really well with me and John and I was supposed to see him today after his doctor's appointment.
**a little background info**
John was diagnosed with cancer last year and went through radiation therapy and got a clean bill of health in December not long before we met in January. That is the really short annotated version for now just so things make sense.
So his appointment was at 2:45pm and then he was gonna come over this evening like dinnertime etc and probably stay. Well, I screwed up the other day and overdrafted my bank account and so i was strapped for cash and felt really bad that I didn't have enough foresight to buy his birthday present FIRST before I went shopping for Iyishia's baby shower that is in March and the valentines day party later in the month at Ariel's school. But live and learn. ANYWAY...so I was planning on selling our DS games towards a new Wii set and so I sold them today so I could buy him hockey tickets for his birthday. So why all this???
Well I haven't heard from him since last night around 8pm. He went to Giant after leaving here because he was out of coffee filters and coffee. PS...that is just plan old SINFUL to let even occur but whatever. So he said his phone was flasking red and battery was just about dead. So he was going to go home and charge his phone and go to bed. Well that's the last I heard from him. He usually wakes me up in the morning with a wake up call. Well I got no wakeup call. The day went on and I text him that I was out and about. No response. No big deal. His appt time came and went and when I got home and settled I called twice and went straight to VM. Well now I am worried. So I expressed my concerns to Iyishia, my sounding board, and she asked if I left a message. Well I don't leave messages. I just don't. She said to leave a message. So I did around 7pm. I called again at 8pm and it rang before it went to VM so his phone in ON now. Well I called at 8:40 and again went to VM. Now is he sleeping? He does go to bed early?! So now it's 9:30pm and I refuse to call again. He will call if he is good and ready.
Iyishia said that I should be worried/concerned not pissed off/angry. I left the message and expressed my concern and I left a text as well that I was worried and please call me. Still no reply.
So why is this when i wanna bail?
Because it fucking hurts! That's why! i can't help but take it personally! who the fuck else is there? I don't wanna hurt. I have been hurt so bad that I never wanna endure that again. I'm not into pain. I'm too old for this bullshit. I just want to be happy. Last relationship...I knew it was going no where and I just let it continue out of convienence. But that relationship was over before it even started. So there was no room to be hurt except him cheating on me because I never gave him a reason to cheat. There is no excuse for cheating!
3 Cardinal Rules for dating me:
1- No Cheating
2- No hitting
3- no lying...and this is the big one and most broken.
I would rather someone tell me the truth no matter how awful and painful but know the truth and get over it than be lied to and then find out the truth and hurt even more. Just me. Don't have to agree with me. That's just me.
So here I am on a Tuesday night, my day off, blogging. With a pain in my heart. THE WORST PART IS...maybe I'm overreacting! No No No I am not overreacting. I feel this way and that's it. I am entitled to feel how I want to. The only thing I might be wrong about is that he might be having a bad day with his dr appt and all. I want to be part of that though. If we are in a relationship, no matter how new, we should be able to share this. And if it's bad.....does he think I'm not gonna find out? or I'm gonna ditch him?? I want to be with him. Sick, well, cancer, no cancer I don't care. I wanna be with him. And isn't that how it should be?
Why is it that when we are sad or pissed off we blog the most and the best? Sometimes I feel like my blog is an overrated diary of some sort. But days like today it might be worth something.
Well I know for sure that I won't hear from him tonight now that it's 10:15 at night and he is surely in bed by now or out somewhere. I hope everything is okay, I truly do. Hopefully I will hear from him tomorrow. Until then and no matter what....I am still hurting.
**a little background info**
John was diagnosed with cancer last year and went through radiation therapy and got a clean bill of health in December not long before we met in January. That is the really short annotated version for now just so things make sense.
So his appointment was at 2:45pm and then he was gonna come over this evening like dinnertime etc and probably stay. Well, I screwed up the other day and overdrafted my bank account and so i was strapped for cash and felt really bad that I didn't have enough foresight to buy his birthday present FIRST before I went shopping for Iyishia's baby shower that is in March and the valentines day party later in the month at Ariel's school. But live and learn. ANYWAY...so I was planning on selling our DS games towards a new Wii set and so I sold them today so I could buy him hockey tickets for his birthday. So why all this???
Well I haven't heard from him since last night around 8pm. He went to Giant after leaving here because he was out of coffee filters and coffee. PS...that is just plan old SINFUL to let even occur but whatever. So he said his phone was flasking red and battery was just about dead. So he was going to go home and charge his phone and go to bed. Well that's the last I heard from him. He usually wakes me up in the morning with a wake up call. Well I got no wakeup call. The day went on and I text him that I was out and about. No response. No big deal. His appt time came and went and when I got home and settled I called twice and went straight to VM. Well now I am worried. So I expressed my concerns to Iyishia, my sounding board, and she asked if I left a message. Well I don't leave messages. I just don't. She said to leave a message. So I did around 7pm. I called again at 8pm and it rang before it went to VM so his phone in ON now. Well I called at 8:40 and again went to VM. Now is he sleeping? He does go to bed early?! So now it's 9:30pm and I refuse to call again. He will call if he is good and ready.
Iyishia said that I should be worried/concerned not pissed off/angry. I left the message and expressed my concern and I left a text as well that I was worried and please call me. Still no reply.
So why is this when i wanna bail?
Because it fucking hurts! That's why! i can't help but take it personally! who the fuck else is there? I don't wanna hurt. I have been hurt so bad that I never wanna endure that again. I'm not into pain. I'm too old for this bullshit. I just want to be happy. Last relationship...I knew it was going no where and I just let it continue out of convienence. But that relationship was over before it even started. So there was no room to be hurt except him cheating on me because I never gave him a reason to cheat. There is no excuse for cheating!
3 Cardinal Rules for dating me:
1- No Cheating
2- No hitting
3- no lying...and this is the big one and most broken.
I would rather someone tell me the truth no matter how awful and painful but know the truth and get over it than be lied to and then find out the truth and hurt even more. Just me. Don't have to agree with me. That's just me.
So here I am on a Tuesday night, my day off, blogging. With a pain in my heart. THE WORST PART IS...maybe I'm overreacting! No No No I am not overreacting. I feel this way and that's it. I am entitled to feel how I want to. The only thing I might be wrong about is that he might be having a bad day with his dr appt and all. I want to be part of that though. If we are in a relationship, no matter how new, we should be able to share this. And if it's bad.....does he think I'm not gonna find out? or I'm gonna ditch him?? I want to be with him. Sick, well, cancer, no cancer I don't care. I wanna be with him. And isn't that how it should be?
Why is it that when we are sad or pissed off we blog the most and the best? Sometimes I feel like my blog is an overrated diary of some sort. But days like today it might be worth something.
Well I know for sure that I won't hear from him tonight now that it's 10:15 at night and he is surely in bed by now or out somewhere. I hope everything is okay, I truly do. Hopefully I will hear from him tomorrow. Until then and no matter what....I am still hurting.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Sunday...making up for lost time
Sunday January 31, 2010
I have been slacking off. I haven’t blogged as I should have been. I have gone a whole week withou9t blogging. I guess when I have nothing to do, I blog. But that is no excuse. I’m not sure exactly what I did on Monday. I know I did some cleaning around the house but can’t recall much else. On Tuesday it was time to take the kittens to the vet. They are ok. They got dewormed, got their rabies shots and two other immunizations, and got an antibiotic to treat Oliver’s eyes and their sour bellies. After dropping the kitties off it was time for training at Pacheco’s. We ordered pizza and then watched a video of Mark Smith on dream making. I have to make a dream board. And think big. I spoke to John from Iyishia’s and when I got home. He slept all day because he was up all night with the stomach flu. Probably got it from Mackenzie because he saw her on Saturday after she was sick Friday and Saturday.
Wednesday John took off from work. He came over and we went shopping. I feel like whenever I am with John we are shopping. We had Chinese for lunch and so I didn’t make dinner because he said he wasn’t hungry. H e forgot his clothes so he had to go home. He came back Thursday morning and we took a ride to Lake Ariel to pick up his tax information. We stopped in Dickson City to continue to look for the stuff for the capias. No luck in that department. On our way back home we stopped and did his taxes. He made 101,000 last year. I can’t even touch that. It makes me wonder what I can bring to the table. He has a house, a car, rental properties and all this other stuff. What do I ever have to offer? I can’t help but feel inadequate. I don’t know how to bring it up either. I don’t know what he thinks I make but I’m sure it’s not his expectation. Sure, I am always shopping but he sees me when I have money and I just happened to be planning a party. His birthday is Feb 3 and I have nothing for him. I don’t know that I should be expected to exchange gifts. My birthday is on the 21st and I will feel like an asshole if he gets me something and I didn’t get her something. How do I get into these messes? I over-drafted my account by mistake so I have $25 to my name until the 8th. It’s not so bad. I only have $20 for a taxi to work and then $2 for the bus. I might even take the bus to work so I can save my $20. That is if I can get my ass out of bed on Friday morning. That is doubtful. Then I get paid on that Monday that I leave work. So if I can make it through this week I will be okay. I have food and all at the house so there is really no reason for me to need any money for anything I even have garbage stickers. John is picking me up on Monday morning from work so I will be home early to catch the garbage men. How do I bring up the subject of our birthdays? I will just bring it up. What else am I going to do? Maybe he will value my honesty. I’m going to tell him I wasn’t expecting my student loans to come out of my income and I over-drafted my account. I have nothing to buy anything with. I guess that is my only option really. I just don’t want Wednesday to come around and come up empty-handed.
John stayed over on Thursday night so he could take me to work on Friday morning. Ariel had a fit of course. She wanted to sleep with me. She has been sleeping in her own bed for a little while now and of course she wanted to show her ass because John was there. Last time he stayed over she was at Iyishia’s already because they had no school on Saturday and I was off that Friday. So Ariel wasn’t affected. It doesn’t change the fact that she has to get used to sleeping in her bed and someone else sleeping in mine. He let me oversleep so I had to get ready and jet set out of the house. Walt came to pick me up with the taxi. Oops! I forgot to call him and cancel. I have to make sure I call him this week so I can get my ride.
Friday sucked at work. Mario pissed himself like every 10 minutes and had an attitude all day about exercise. It’s not my fault that he pees every ten minutes. And I mean that quite literally. I actually counted today. He peed 6 times in one hour. I couldn’t believe it. How can one man produce so much pee? Or how can one man have to pee 3 drops? He can’t hold ANYTHING! I was really annoyed. I wanted to smack him so bad. I couldn’t wait for him to go to bed so I could start over. John went to play poker and didn’t tell me good night. I wanted him to leave me a message and he said he would but he didn’t. He also said he would give me a wakeup call and he didn’t Saturday morning.
I got up on time Saturday morning. (Good thing I still set my alarm) But I was really hurt that I didn’t hear from him. I didn’t hear from him all day long. It was the most boring nerve-wrecking day. I had nothing to keep me sane during the day with no one to talk to. Finally, in the evening I heard from him. He said he played poker until 0430a and then slept all day. We texted for a little bit and as soon as I got upstairs I texted him and then tried to call but he didn’t answer. He falls asleep at the drop of a hat. It doesn’t change the fact that I was upset that I didn’t talk to him. It means a lot to me. I just wanna hear his voice. I don’t think that it’s a lot to ask. Especially when I am at work. It is my lifeline to the outside world.
Today, he woke me up but I was already up. He didn’t give me a wakeup until 7am. He said he had been up since 4am. Then why couldn’t he wake me up on time? So many questions. Questions, questions, questions. Today is not so bad except for the fact that he is peeing every ten minutes. Good Gad, I wish he didn’t have to take that Lasix. It is fierce. The morning consisted of me snoozing and infomercials until I finally changed that channel. Finally, there were movies on the regular channels that he could flip to by himself. Now we are watching Desperation by Stephen King. Still don’t really know what it is about but it’s better than the infomercials. Thank god we missed the polka show yesterday. He turned it on for a little bit but it was a band he knew and it was an old one from the Bloomsburg Fair. So he changed that channel YAY for me! I just have to make it through the next 4 hours until his bedtime and then one hour in the morning and I am done. Can’t wait to get out of here and go home and do nothing there. Actually, I think me and John are going to stay in bed all day. That was the plan. Or that is the plan I should say. I have a full body massage coming to me and we need some sex. Dirty raw twisty sweaty sex. Of course I will wear him out and he will sleep. LOL he snores! At night I can ignore it because I am medicated, but during the day I need to nap in another room. Or he does! I won’t be driven out of my room and my comfy bed.
Well I guess I am caught up now.
I have been slacking off. I haven’t blogged as I should have been. I have gone a whole week withou9t blogging. I guess when I have nothing to do, I blog. But that is no excuse. I’m not sure exactly what I did on Monday. I know I did some cleaning around the house but can’t recall much else. On Tuesday it was time to take the kittens to the vet. They are ok. They got dewormed, got their rabies shots and two other immunizations, and got an antibiotic to treat Oliver’s eyes and their sour bellies. After dropping the kitties off it was time for training at Pacheco’s. We ordered pizza and then watched a video of Mark Smith on dream making. I have to make a dream board. And think big. I spoke to John from Iyishia’s and when I got home. He slept all day because he was up all night with the stomach flu. Probably got it from Mackenzie because he saw her on Saturday after she was sick Friday and Saturday.
Wednesday John took off from work. He came over and we went shopping. I feel like whenever I am with John we are shopping. We had Chinese for lunch and so I didn’t make dinner because he said he wasn’t hungry. H e forgot his clothes so he had to go home. He came back Thursday morning and we took a ride to Lake Ariel to pick up his tax information. We stopped in Dickson City to continue to look for the stuff for the capias. No luck in that department. On our way back home we stopped and did his taxes. He made 101,000 last year. I can’t even touch that. It makes me wonder what I can bring to the table. He has a house, a car, rental properties and all this other stuff. What do I ever have to offer? I can’t help but feel inadequate. I don’t know how to bring it up either. I don’t know what he thinks I make but I’m sure it’s not his expectation. Sure, I am always shopping but he sees me when I have money and I just happened to be planning a party. His birthday is Feb 3 and I have nothing for him. I don’t know that I should be expected to exchange gifts. My birthday is on the 21st and I will feel like an asshole if he gets me something and I didn’t get her something. How do I get into these messes? I over-drafted my account by mistake so I have $25 to my name until the 8th. It’s not so bad. I only have $20 for a taxi to work and then $2 for the bus. I might even take the bus to work so I can save my $20. That is if I can get my ass out of bed on Friday morning. That is doubtful. Then I get paid on that Monday that I leave work. So if I can make it through this week I will be okay. I have food and all at the house so there is really no reason for me to need any money for anything I even have garbage stickers. John is picking me up on Monday morning from work so I will be home early to catch the garbage men. How do I bring up the subject of our birthdays? I will just bring it up. What else am I going to do? Maybe he will value my honesty. I’m going to tell him I wasn’t expecting my student loans to come out of my income and I over-drafted my account. I have nothing to buy anything with. I guess that is my only option really. I just don’t want Wednesday to come around and come up empty-handed.
John stayed over on Thursday night so he could take me to work on Friday morning. Ariel had a fit of course. She wanted to sleep with me. She has been sleeping in her own bed for a little while now and of course she wanted to show her ass because John was there. Last time he stayed over she was at Iyishia’s already because they had no school on Saturday and I was off that Friday. So Ariel wasn’t affected. It doesn’t change the fact that she has to get used to sleeping in her bed and someone else sleeping in mine. He let me oversleep so I had to get ready and jet set out of the house. Walt came to pick me up with the taxi. Oops! I forgot to call him and cancel. I have to make sure I call him this week so I can get my ride.
Friday sucked at work. Mario pissed himself like every 10 minutes and had an attitude all day about exercise. It’s not my fault that he pees every ten minutes. And I mean that quite literally. I actually counted today. He peed 6 times in one hour. I couldn’t believe it. How can one man produce so much pee? Or how can one man have to pee 3 drops? He can’t hold ANYTHING! I was really annoyed. I wanted to smack him so bad. I couldn’t wait for him to go to bed so I could start over. John went to play poker and didn’t tell me good night. I wanted him to leave me a message and he said he would but he didn’t. He also said he would give me a wakeup call and he didn’t Saturday morning.
I got up on time Saturday morning. (Good thing I still set my alarm) But I was really hurt that I didn’t hear from him. I didn’t hear from him all day long. It was the most boring nerve-wrecking day. I had nothing to keep me sane during the day with no one to talk to. Finally, in the evening I heard from him. He said he played poker until 0430a and then slept all day. We texted for a little bit and as soon as I got upstairs I texted him and then tried to call but he didn’t answer. He falls asleep at the drop of a hat. It doesn’t change the fact that I was upset that I didn’t talk to him. It means a lot to me. I just wanna hear his voice. I don’t think that it’s a lot to ask. Especially when I am at work. It is my lifeline to the outside world.
Today, he woke me up but I was already up. He didn’t give me a wakeup until 7am. He said he had been up since 4am. Then why couldn’t he wake me up on time? So many questions. Questions, questions, questions. Today is not so bad except for the fact that he is peeing every ten minutes. Good Gad, I wish he didn’t have to take that Lasix. It is fierce. The morning consisted of me snoozing and infomercials until I finally changed that channel. Finally, there were movies on the regular channels that he could flip to by himself. Now we are watching Desperation by Stephen King. Still don’t really know what it is about but it’s better than the infomercials. Thank god we missed the polka show yesterday. He turned it on for a little bit but it was a band he knew and it was an old one from the Bloomsburg Fair. So he changed that channel YAY for me! I just have to make it through the next 4 hours until his bedtime and then one hour in the morning and I am done. Can’t wait to get out of here and go home and do nothing there. Actually, I think me and John are going to stay in bed all day. That was the plan. Or that is the plan I should say. I have a full body massage coming to me and we need some sex. Dirty raw twisty sweaty sex. Of course I will wear him out and he will sleep. LOL he snores! At night I can ignore it because I am medicated, but during the day I need to nap in another room. Or he does! I won’t be driven out of my room and my comfy bed.
Well I guess I am caught up now.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday Jan 19 thru Saturday Jan 23rd
Saturday January 23, 2010
This week has been great and I know I slack off when I am with John. Tuesday when I got home, I cleaned cleaned cleaned. I cleaned Ariel’s room even though I said I wasn’t going to do it; I did it anyway. I did it because I needed to get her back to square one. Then from square one, you can maintain it from there.
When I am with John, time stands still. I dedicate my time to our relationship. We have a limited amount of time together and time apart. So, when we are together, we spend time together and nothing else. We are starting to include Ariel into our relationship. Our interactions are limited with her. Mostly, we spend our time while she is in school. We want to include Mackenzie in to mix but unfortunately, she was sick this week with the stomach flu.
But let’s start from the beginning….since I have deviated….shame on me…..
Tuesday I got home early since I asked the Old Forge bus driver to call the #12 driver (Bill) and hold him on the square so I can catch the bus. I actually made coffee at work and took a carry cup on the bus with me. I have dove right back into my caffeine habit with coffee. I am a caffeine addict and readily admit that. Like I need anything else to keep me from sleeping. No training this week with Ritchie because he was doing a training in NJ. So I cleaned the 2nd floor. I changed all my bedding, did countless loads of laundry and cleaned Ariels’ room and cleaned the bathroom. Other than that Tuesday was pretty uneventful. John was at work after 5:30pm and texted and called me intermittently. I look forward to his calls and texts. Finally, I fell asleep.
On Wednesday, of course I was tired, I cleaned the kitchen. I lost my bet on the football game last weekend so I had to cook for John. After cleaning the kitchen, I went food shopping with Iyishia. Somehow, I ended up with three ½ gallons of milk. (only later to find out one was almost empty and spoiled Saturday morning) I have been paying attention to John and so I had decided to make scallops and steak with mashed potatoes. He said he was a steak and potatoes man. He emphasized that he likes mashed potatoes. When we met and went for lunch at Red Lobster, he had scallops and mentioned they were his favorite. Now I have food in the house. Iyishia was making fun of me because she says I need to learn to make a Mac and cheese homemade. I actually like plain old blue box Kraft Mac n cheez. Always have. I made pork chops for dinner. I finally hooked up with TJ and got my back colored in. I thought it would be more pastels but it is primary colors. It still looks great but not really what I wanted. Now after having it just blackwork, I think maybe I should have just left it black. Oh well. So here is where the drama begins. I didn’t think I would ever have to deal with the subject of stealing with my daughter but apparently I did.
As we were leaving TJ’s house after my tattoo was complete, I found a brand new in the package lip gloss on the carpet. I asked Ariel about it and she said it was not hers. I know it wasn’t there before because Tj’s house was profoundly clean. I asked her repeatedly about it and she denied it and I shrugged it off but had a feeling in my gut she was lying. Maybe it was TJ’s sons’ girlfriends or something but I doubted that. When we got home, she dropped a gold lip gloss on the floor of the front room. Well now I am pissed because she lyed to me and now there is another lip gloss. Finally, she admitted she took it from CVS so off to CVS we go for a scared straight lesson. Of course the employees of CVS have a median age of 21 so I ask for the manager and out comes yet another young kid. In any event, I had to do this. So I asked them what they do to people who steal. They replied thyat they call the Plymouth Police. I asked Ariel if I should have them call the police and she said No and was crying. A lady that had just finished checking out while I waited pats me on the back and says I am a good mother. I sure hope so. All I can say is I am heartbroken. I had done the same thing when I was a kid except I stole a cool pen. Yes, a pen. I like stationary and art supplies. What can I say? I suppose every kid does it but I wasn’t prepared for it to happen just yet. Ok, so just when I think the drama has ended and I send Ariel to her room to get ready for bed, I took out the trash. On my way back into the house I spot YET ANOTHER vial of lip gloss. Now I am absolutely livid! I gave her a chance to come clean! I asked her fourteen different ways from the time we left TJ’s house if it was hers and she still didn’t come clean. So I go upstairs and face the music. I confront Ariel YET AGAIN and she finally comes clean. She better because I don’t know if I could handle anymore. I asked her what her punishment should be and she said Grounded. I asked what does grounded mean. She said no TV and no DS. I asked her for how long and she said TEN. Ten what? Ten days, months, years, weeks? Ten Days of no TV or DS. So John and I are supposed to take the girls bowling on Friday. What are we going to do? I spanked her. Seven for every year of age and 3 more for lying to me three different times. I hate spanking her and can’t recall the last time I did. I think it hurts me more than anything but what else to do? It’s the only thing that resonates inside of her. We will see.
John called and I had to calm down. He talked me down. I told him what happened and he said I have a right to be upset. I still needed to calm down. He asked if he should call back later. NO. I needed him to distract me so my blood pressure would go down. And he did. Don’t ask me what was said because I don’t even remember at this point. All I know is that I will see him on Thursday and that is probably what had me distracted. I miss my man.
I went to bed rather early. I took a nice big fat sleeping pill because I wanted to be on my best game for spending time with John. I like hearing his voice good night and then waking me up in the morning. He showed up around 10am and we hung out for a bit before going out to Ollie’s for brunch. The rest of the day is a blur until dinner. I know I helped Ariel with her homework and science project. I made scallops and Delmonico steak and homemade mashed potatoes for dinner. It came out great. I was making a wine sauce but I didn’t like how it came out so I scraped it. He didn’t have any clothes or anything so he didn’t stay. Friday was a different story.
When he came over on Friday, we had plans to take the kids bowling. Mackenzie is sick with the stomach flu so we didn’t go get her. We went to Ollie’s again for brunch and when we got back we were chilling on the couch but I would rather lay down on my bed. The rest is history. Dessert time! We went at it for a few hours and then he took a nap while I went to get Ariel. Again, I helped her with her homework and science project. I had to get stuff for the animals and stuff for Ariel’s project so we went out to get it. I bought one of those automatic watering dishes for the cats so they don’t have to drink from my bamboo plant. They are bound to break my vase and I will be pissed. Also, I bought Ringo’s food and a treat. Well, we could go bowling or call it a night. We should have called it a night. But, we went bowling anyway. There were so many little kids there running around like banchees acting stupid. It was a league night and all the kids of the league bowlers were all over the place. I couldn’t concentrate and ended up bowling a high of 50. That is horrible. Ariel beat me. She had bumpers but she still beat me. We ran into Mary Roberts at the bowling alley. One more example of how people don’t watch their kids. Adam, Heather’s boyfriend, was bowling on a league and totally wasn’t paying attention to her or her location so she stayed with us. I can’t help but feel responsible for kids. I hate to see anything bad happen to kids at the stupidity of adults.
We came home and I fed the animals and set them up for me being away for the weekend. We waited until Iyishia got home from a birthday party and dropped off Ariel and dropped off money. John stayed the night. He had clothes etc so he slept over. It was nice having a big human in bed with me. He is the first to christen my bed and man to sleep in my bed. Still, it was nice.
Woke up on time to him kissing my neck and took my shower. He made coffee for me. That’s how I want to wake up all the time. He is a pop tart in the morning. I am totally not a morning person so he will definitely carry me in the morning. He drove me to work. I didn’t want to go. I hate to think that it will be whole week until we see each other again. If I had a car I would spend more time. Even if it meant driving out to Catawissa just to sleep together and have coffee in the morning before he left for work. But here is this no car thing and it sucks. I have to pay my fines and get a new car. As soon as I get those fines paid I am going to go back to Northeast Auto Credit and get another car. I just gotta pay those fines.
Work is work and a long day it was. No physical therapy to break up the day and leave the house. So now it is nebulizer treatments and home physical therapy to break up the day. His daughter is such a bitch! I know in my heart of hearts that she means well but she needs to relax. We did exercises and all our stuff and she comes and he is in his chair. It just happens to be when she shows up that he is in his recliner. And then I gotta hear her mouth. I wonder if Earl gets it like I do. I wonder how he handles it? Earl said that his brother in law may be giving me a ride home on Monday morning. That would be great. I could be home by 8:35am. I would be willing to pay him in gas money. He has to go back to Wilkes Barre anyway! He might as well get a little cash for it. I can’t get a taxi to come and pick me up without paying outrageous prices. So, I take the bus. But if I could get a ride, that’s even better.
I had to wake Mario up to put him to bed. I spoke to John and went to bed by 9:30pm. I am starting to go to bed on time so I don’t feel so shitty in the morning. I still feel like shit today but I think it is out of boredom. I try my best to stay awake but who wants to watch someone sleep? That’s what it boils down to. John is gonna let me use his wireless card for my computer so I can do my CEU’s for my EMT license online while I am here at Mario’s house. That would be great. It leaves my options open. I know that Arlene, Mario’s daughter, doesn’t want to see him in the hospital or a nursing home, but if he declines and does get admitted I need to have options. Hopefully, it won’t come to that until minimum April because then I can get my CNA training and my options will be open for real. I want my EMT license reinstated though. I want lots of options.
So I guess we are caught up now. Until tomorrow….
This week has been great and I know I slack off when I am with John. Tuesday when I got home, I cleaned cleaned cleaned. I cleaned Ariel’s room even though I said I wasn’t going to do it; I did it anyway. I did it because I needed to get her back to square one. Then from square one, you can maintain it from there.
When I am with John, time stands still. I dedicate my time to our relationship. We have a limited amount of time together and time apart. So, when we are together, we spend time together and nothing else. We are starting to include Ariel into our relationship. Our interactions are limited with her. Mostly, we spend our time while she is in school. We want to include Mackenzie in to mix but unfortunately, she was sick this week with the stomach flu.
But let’s start from the beginning….since I have deviated….shame on me…..
Tuesday I got home early since I asked the Old Forge bus driver to call the #12 driver (Bill) and hold him on the square so I can catch the bus. I actually made coffee at work and took a carry cup on the bus with me. I have dove right back into my caffeine habit with coffee. I am a caffeine addict and readily admit that. Like I need anything else to keep me from sleeping. No training this week with Ritchie because he was doing a training in NJ. So I cleaned the 2nd floor. I changed all my bedding, did countless loads of laundry and cleaned Ariels’ room and cleaned the bathroom. Other than that Tuesday was pretty uneventful. John was at work after 5:30pm and texted and called me intermittently. I look forward to his calls and texts. Finally, I fell asleep.
On Wednesday, of course I was tired, I cleaned the kitchen. I lost my bet on the football game last weekend so I had to cook for John. After cleaning the kitchen, I went food shopping with Iyishia. Somehow, I ended up with three ½ gallons of milk. (only later to find out one was almost empty and spoiled Saturday morning) I have been paying attention to John and so I had decided to make scallops and steak with mashed potatoes. He said he was a steak and potatoes man. He emphasized that he likes mashed potatoes. When we met and went for lunch at Red Lobster, he had scallops and mentioned they were his favorite. Now I have food in the house. Iyishia was making fun of me because she says I need to learn to make a Mac and cheese homemade. I actually like plain old blue box Kraft Mac n cheez. Always have. I made pork chops for dinner. I finally hooked up with TJ and got my back colored in. I thought it would be more pastels but it is primary colors. It still looks great but not really what I wanted. Now after having it just blackwork, I think maybe I should have just left it black. Oh well. So here is where the drama begins. I didn’t think I would ever have to deal with the subject of stealing with my daughter but apparently I did.
As we were leaving TJ’s house after my tattoo was complete, I found a brand new in the package lip gloss on the carpet. I asked Ariel about it and she said it was not hers. I know it wasn’t there before because Tj’s house was profoundly clean. I asked her repeatedly about it and she denied it and I shrugged it off but had a feeling in my gut she was lying. Maybe it was TJ’s sons’ girlfriends or something but I doubted that. When we got home, she dropped a gold lip gloss on the floor of the front room. Well now I am pissed because she lyed to me and now there is another lip gloss. Finally, she admitted she took it from CVS so off to CVS we go for a scared straight lesson. Of course the employees of CVS have a median age of 21 so I ask for the manager and out comes yet another young kid. In any event, I had to do this. So I asked them what they do to people who steal. They replied thyat they call the Plymouth Police. I asked Ariel if I should have them call the police and she said No and was crying. A lady that had just finished checking out while I waited pats me on the back and says I am a good mother. I sure hope so. All I can say is I am heartbroken. I had done the same thing when I was a kid except I stole a cool pen. Yes, a pen. I like stationary and art supplies. What can I say? I suppose every kid does it but I wasn’t prepared for it to happen just yet. Ok, so just when I think the drama has ended and I send Ariel to her room to get ready for bed, I took out the trash. On my way back into the house I spot YET ANOTHER vial of lip gloss. Now I am absolutely livid! I gave her a chance to come clean! I asked her fourteen different ways from the time we left TJ’s house if it was hers and she still didn’t come clean. So I go upstairs and face the music. I confront Ariel YET AGAIN and she finally comes clean. She better because I don’t know if I could handle anymore. I asked her what her punishment should be and she said Grounded. I asked what does grounded mean. She said no TV and no DS. I asked her for how long and she said TEN. Ten what? Ten days, months, years, weeks? Ten Days of no TV or DS. So John and I are supposed to take the girls bowling on Friday. What are we going to do? I spanked her. Seven for every year of age and 3 more for lying to me three different times. I hate spanking her and can’t recall the last time I did. I think it hurts me more than anything but what else to do? It’s the only thing that resonates inside of her. We will see.
John called and I had to calm down. He talked me down. I told him what happened and he said I have a right to be upset. I still needed to calm down. He asked if he should call back later. NO. I needed him to distract me so my blood pressure would go down. And he did. Don’t ask me what was said because I don’t even remember at this point. All I know is that I will see him on Thursday and that is probably what had me distracted. I miss my man.
I went to bed rather early. I took a nice big fat sleeping pill because I wanted to be on my best game for spending time with John. I like hearing his voice good night and then waking me up in the morning. He showed up around 10am and we hung out for a bit before going out to Ollie’s for brunch. The rest of the day is a blur until dinner. I know I helped Ariel with her homework and science project. I made scallops and Delmonico steak and homemade mashed potatoes for dinner. It came out great. I was making a wine sauce but I didn’t like how it came out so I scraped it. He didn’t have any clothes or anything so he didn’t stay. Friday was a different story.
When he came over on Friday, we had plans to take the kids bowling. Mackenzie is sick with the stomach flu so we didn’t go get her. We went to Ollie’s again for brunch and when we got back we were chilling on the couch but I would rather lay down on my bed. The rest is history. Dessert time! We went at it for a few hours and then he took a nap while I went to get Ariel. Again, I helped her with her homework and science project. I had to get stuff for the animals and stuff for Ariel’s project so we went out to get it. I bought one of those automatic watering dishes for the cats so they don’t have to drink from my bamboo plant. They are bound to break my vase and I will be pissed. Also, I bought Ringo’s food and a treat. Well, we could go bowling or call it a night. We should have called it a night. But, we went bowling anyway. There were so many little kids there running around like banchees acting stupid. It was a league night and all the kids of the league bowlers were all over the place. I couldn’t concentrate and ended up bowling a high of 50. That is horrible. Ariel beat me. She had bumpers but she still beat me. We ran into Mary Roberts at the bowling alley. One more example of how people don’t watch their kids. Adam, Heather’s boyfriend, was bowling on a league and totally wasn’t paying attention to her or her location so she stayed with us. I can’t help but feel responsible for kids. I hate to see anything bad happen to kids at the stupidity of adults.
We came home and I fed the animals and set them up for me being away for the weekend. We waited until Iyishia got home from a birthday party and dropped off Ariel and dropped off money. John stayed the night. He had clothes etc so he slept over. It was nice having a big human in bed with me. He is the first to christen my bed and man to sleep in my bed. Still, it was nice.
Woke up on time to him kissing my neck and took my shower. He made coffee for me. That’s how I want to wake up all the time. He is a pop tart in the morning. I am totally not a morning person so he will definitely carry me in the morning. He drove me to work. I didn’t want to go. I hate to think that it will be whole week until we see each other again. If I had a car I would spend more time. Even if it meant driving out to Catawissa just to sleep together and have coffee in the morning before he left for work. But here is this no car thing and it sucks. I have to pay my fines and get a new car. As soon as I get those fines paid I am going to go back to Northeast Auto Credit and get another car. I just gotta pay those fines.
Work is work and a long day it was. No physical therapy to break up the day and leave the house. So now it is nebulizer treatments and home physical therapy to break up the day. His daughter is such a bitch! I know in my heart of hearts that she means well but she needs to relax. We did exercises and all our stuff and she comes and he is in his chair. It just happens to be when she shows up that he is in his recliner. And then I gotta hear her mouth. I wonder if Earl gets it like I do. I wonder how he handles it? Earl said that his brother in law may be giving me a ride home on Monday morning. That would be great. I could be home by 8:35am. I would be willing to pay him in gas money. He has to go back to Wilkes Barre anyway! He might as well get a little cash for it. I can’t get a taxi to come and pick me up without paying outrageous prices. So, I take the bus. But if I could get a ride, that’s even better.
I had to wake Mario up to put him to bed. I spoke to John and went to bed by 9:30pm. I am starting to go to bed on time so I don’t feel so shitty in the morning. I still feel like shit today but I think it is out of boredom. I try my best to stay awake but who wants to watch someone sleep? That’s what it boils down to. John is gonna let me use his wireless card for my computer so I can do my CEU’s for my EMT license online while I am here at Mario’s house. That would be great. It leaves my options open. I know that Arlene, Mario’s daughter, doesn’t want to see him in the hospital or a nursing home, but if he declines and does get admitted I need to have options. Hopefully, it won’t come to that until minimum April because then I can get my CNA training and my options will be open for real. I want my EMT license reinstated though. I want lots of options.
So I guess we are caught up now. Until tomorrow….
Monday, January 18, 2010
Kings and Queens
She wakes to love’s light
Shining through the panes aglow
The radiant gleam in her eyes
Looks passionately into his smile
The miles of kings in between
Form beds of distance afar
The closeness is apparent
It’s only a short way to go
The path we walk is unclear
The road less traveled
This is a mission I chose willingly
Only happiness to know
Shining through the panes aglow
The radiant gleam in her eyes
Looks passionately into his smile
The miles of kings in between
Form beds of distance afar
The closeness is apparent
It’s only a short way to go
The path we walk is unclear
The road less traveled
This is a mission I chose willingly
Only happiness to know
Breaking Dawn
Mindless drones roaming content
Happy with goalless days
Work home work sleep
The completeness of his days
Chose a life
Make your destination
No the highway
He drove
Who is he?
Why there?
When did the steering wheel
Leave my hands
I am here
But where
Right here see my hand
A raised flag of existence
Please spot me over here
Break free from the hive
Catch me if you can
Happy with goalless days
Work home work sleep
The completeness of his days
Chose a life
Make your destination
No the highway
He drove
Who is he?
Why there?
When did the steering wheel
Leave my hands
I am here
But where
Right here see my hand
A raised flag of existence
Please spot me over here
Break free from the hive
Catch me if you can
Last day....
Monday January 18, 2010
Well we woke up late. John didn’t wake me up until 6:45am. I snoozed for a little while but I was downstairs by 7:15am. I still love to hear his voice even if it was late. John said he is getting sick. He did mention last night that he felt like he had the chills and actually slept in his bed and not the couch. I was surprised. I wish I was in bed. On the contrary, I had to take off my undershirt that I usually wear under my scrubs because I feel like I’m on fire. I am constantly sweating and feel hot.
Mario was a mess this morning. I guess his stomach is not done doing flips. One more day. Just one more day. Less than 24 hours and I will be home. The office called me today. They want me to service Mike on Wednesday. I don’t feel like working on my days off. Especially in the middle of my days off. I leave at 9:10am and get there at 11am only to return home by maybe 4pm sometimes 5pm. That my whole day for 3 hours of service. His service doesn’t take 3 hours and I am stuck there. I would rather stick to my Mario and enjoy my days off. I can’t wait until Thursday and see John.
So far so good today at work. I made it to lunch. If I can make it through dinner the rest is cake. I cant believe that my client is watching Jerry Springer. They must have a farm that they grow these losers on. Where the hell do they find these people? How could these people want to degrade themselves on TV? If they want to fight, go home and fight! Why do you have to come on TV to come and fight? The best part is the audience who make crude comments on these people and then want to get in to fights with these people as well! Why get involved with their craziness? I am not in need for drama. I love my little quiet life. Some may say Im boring but boring is safe. Boring lets me sleep at night. I enjoy stability.
I have to do my nails when I get home. I know that is just a random thought but so if my life. I want to buy a new color. I have been sporting the same colors for a while now and they are even running out so it’s time to get new polishes. I feel like going to get my eyebrows waxed as well. I haven’t been professionally waxed in a long time. Aren’t I just full of ideas today?
What’s for dinner? I dunno. I am so bored of food. I lost the football bet so I have to make dinner for John. He said he is a meat and potatoes kind of guy. When we went to Red Lobster he really enjoyed the scallops so I think I am going to get some nice filet mignon and some scallops and make some homemade mashed potatoes with cheddar and bacon on top. I will make some biscuits too. That sounds like a plan. I can enjoy that too. I haven’t had some good steak in a long while never mind some filet mignon. I figure it will be good. I will wrap some bacon around it and pan sear it then put it in the oven til the desired doneness. The scallops can be made the same way so they have a nice crust on them. Now I just need to think of a vegetable? I will have to ask what kind of vegetables he likes. We are pretty much open to any kind of vegetables. I haven’t cooked a full meal in a long time. It will be nice to cook for someone again. I really enjoy cooking but it’s kind of useless to only cook for me.
Anyway, moving on…It’s 1:15pm and now we are watching America’s Funniest Home Videos again. I suppose anything is better than the alternatives of judge shows and argumentative nobodys on tv talking about completely irrelevant crap.
Mario’s grandkids came over to cut his hair. He had some serious outrageously long hair in the front and some crazy bed head going on in the back. At least it breaks up my day. He actually has the TV on a channel that has George Lopez and My name is Earl. I need some distractions. It’s 2:50pm and I am crazy bored. 17 hours to go.
Ok I finally had to change the TV to TNT and Law and Order. I couldn’t take it anymore! He isn’t watching it! He is snoring off the excitement of his haircut. I tried to get him to exercise today and he didn’t want to. What am I supposed to do? Roll him into the corner and leave him there until he does pulley exercises.
I finally heard from John. I was starting to get worried. I know he wasn’t feeling well and was sleeping it off but it was getting late. He has to be at work by 5:30pm and didn’t hear from him until 4:15pm. I was worried that he would sleep right through his alarms or even his shift. He said he is feeling better. Good! I’m glad. I would hate for anything to put a damper on our plans for Thursday. 15 hours to go…It’s pretty sad that I am counting by the hours and the minutes until I get to go home. I have had enough piss and poop and fashion star wardrobe changes. I’m just done.
Sleeping beauty slept for like 4 hours straight. I don’t know how he is gonna sleep tonight when he slept the day away. I don’t care I just put him to bed, got my shower and now I’m ready to talk to the boy and go to bed. Less than 12 hours! I did write two poems today. I had to do something with all my free time. Post will follow…
Well we woke up late. John didn’t wake me up until 6:45am. I snoozed for a little while but I was downstairs by 7:15am. I still love to hear his voice even if it was late. John said he is getting sick. He did mention last night that he felt like he had the chills and actually slept in his bed and not the couch. I was surprised. I wish I was in bed. On the contrary, I had to take off my undershirt that I usually wear under my scrubs because I feel like I’m on fire. I am constantly sweating and feel hot.
Mario was a mess this morning. I guess his stomach is not done doing flips. One more day. Just one more day. Less than 24 hours and I will be home. The office called me today. They want me to service Mike on Wednesday. I don’t feel like working on my days off. Especially in the middle of my days off. I leave at 9:10am and get there at 11am only to return home by maybe 4pm sometimes 5pm. That my whole day for 3 hours of service. His service doesn’t take 3 hours and I am stuck there. I would rather stick to my Mario and enjoy my days off. I can’t wait until Thursday and see John.
So far so good today at work. I made it to lunch. If I can make it through dinner the rest is cake. I cant believe that my client is watching Jerry Springer. They must have a farm that they grow these losers on. Where the hell do they find these people? How could these people want to degrade themselves on TV? If they want to fight, go home and fight! Why do you have to come on TV to come and fight? The best part is the audience who make crude comments on these people and then want to get in to fights with these people as well! Why get involved with their craziness? I am not in need for drama. I love my little quiet life. Some may say Im boring but boring is safe. Boring lets me sleep at night. I enjoy stability.
I have to do my nails when I get home. I know that is just a random thought but so if my life. I want to buy a new color. I have been sporting the same colors for a while now and they are even running out so it’s time to get new polishes. I feel like going to get my eyebrows waxed as well. I haven’t been professionally waxed in a long time. Aren’t I just full of ideas today?
What’s for dinner? I dunno. I am so bored of food. I lost the football bet so I have to make dinner for John. He said he is a meat and potatoes kind of guy. When we went to Red Lobster he really enjoyed the scallops so I think I am going to get some nice filet mignon and some scallops and make some homemade mashed potatoes with cheddar and bacon on top. I will make some biscuits too. That sounds like a plan. I can enjoy that too. I haven’t had some good steak in a long while never mind some filet mignon. I figure it will be good. I will wrap some bacon around it and pan sear it then put it in the oven til the desired doneness. The scallops can be made the same way so they have a nice crust on them. Now I just need to think of a vegetable? I will have to ask what kind of vegetables he likes. We are pretty much open to any kind of vegetables. I haven’t cooked a full meal in a long time. It will be nice to cook for someone again. I really enjoy cooking but it’s kind of useless to only cook for me.
Anyway, moving on…It’s 1:15pm and now we are watching America’s Funniest Home Videos again. I suppose anything is better than the alternatives of judge shows and argumentative nobodys on tv talking about completely irrelevant crap.
Mario’s grandkids came over to cut his hair. He had some serious outrageously long hair in the front and some crazy bed head going on in the back. At least it breaks up my day. He actually has the TV on a channel that has George Lopez and My name is Earl. I need some distractions. It’s 2:50pm and I am crazy bored. 17 hours to go.
Ok I finally had to change the TV to TNT and Law and Order. I couldn’t take it anymore! He isn’t watching it! He is snoring off the excitement of his haircut. I tried to get him to exercise today and he didn’t want to. What am I supposed to do? Roll him into the corner and leave him there until he does pulley exercises.
I finally heard from John. I was starting to get worried. I know he wasn’t feeling well and was sleeping it off but it was getting late. He has to be at work by 5:30pm and didn’t hear from him until 4:15pm. I was worried that he would sleep right through his alarms or even his shift. He said he is feeling better. Good! I’m glad. I would hate for anything to put a damper on our plans for Thursday. 15 hours to go…It’s pretty sad that I am counting by the hours and the minutes until I get to go home. I have had enough piss and poop and fashion star wardrobe changes. I’m just done.
Sleeping beauty slept for like 4 hours straight. I don’t know how he is gonna sleep tonight when he slept the day away. I don’t care I just put him to bed, got my shower and now I’m ready to talk to the boy and go to bed. Less than 12 hours! I did write two poems today. I had to do something with all my free time. Post will follow…
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