Well I give up on the whole John thing. He is too wrapped up in himself to pick up his phone for two minutes and let me know how he is doing. I can't force someone to let me care about them. I care and that's it. I can't force him to be around me. So I will care from afar.
We have had snow from Tuesday night thru Thursday morning. School was closed Wedensday and Thursday so i have been stuck in the house and crazy bored. Ariel was able to go outside today and play in the snow without being snowed into the ground while trying to play. I like not having a big walk or sidewalk because shoveling takes 3 minutes flat. Tuesday night I went to Iyishia's for "training" but we did absolutley nothing but download movies and bullshit. It was nice just hanging out. It's hard for me to be around Ritchie and not want to spit in his face. But we were having a nice conversation so it distracted me for my distaste.
Jeff is in full pursuit of me. I feel bad because I blew him off on Monday waiting for John to show up. Jeff has been nothiing but crazy nice to the point of desperate to see me and I wasted the day waiting on John. We had postponed our lunch date to Tuesday but then he got called in to work so it got rainchecked again. Well then there was Wednesday and all this snow. So rainchecked again. But I have no reset date.
Today was another wasted day. Yesterday was let's watch movies and lay around all day and do nothing. Today was let's lay around and think of stuff we could do and then not do it. Ariel was most productive....she played in the snow.
We went food shopping and got last minute Valentines Day party stuff for Ariel's school and now I am all set. I spoke to Karen Rovine and she is nice enough but on the naive side. I know parties are not everyone's forte but she is naive. I guess the part that kinda rubs me the wrong way is like she didn't want to get the kids cupcakes because they get all crumbly and messy in their backpacks? who cares? if they like them get them for them! So she ordered donuts. Who orders donuts? I know kids that hate donuts. So anyway...I will make the best of this party. I have games and candy and chocolate what else do ya need? LOL
So I am off to bed now so I can be well rested and sober to deal with 24 little bratty kids.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Thank God for days off..
Well last night was the Superbowl and the Saints won. My pick. Good for them. They deserve it. Hopefully this will be the light to shine the way to the future for New Orleans. But that's not why I picked them. That is just the bonus of winning. I think they really worked all year long and they were the underdog. Colts have a strong team but they are cocky. They have been in the spotlight of championships and Superbowls. Can't be too cocky that's when you slip up and make mistakes.
We texted a little bit just about the Superbowl and then spoke for a little while after the game. He said he would wake me up in the morning and he did. He is supposed to come ove rtoday but it's 3pm and I still haven't heard from him. I don't know if he will show up since he hasn't shown his face yet. Unless he plans on sleeping over then he might come down. I could have had lunch with Jeff as he wanted to but I was holding out that John was going to come over. Oh well. I promised Jeff that we would do lunch tomorrow. I plan on holding up my end of the deal. It's not fair to stand him up. I should have just gone today and thought about it later.
I have been planning for both the Valentine's Day party and Iyishia's baby shower. The party is this Friday at Ariel's school. I have lollipops to make. I keep on putting it off because I don't really have a place to store them and don't want them to melt in the house. I found loose sweetheart candies for their game. They will take chopsticks and try to gather as many sweetheart candies as they can in a minute using chopsticks. This should be fun. i have to think of another game to play to keep these little monsters occupied for an hour and some odd minutes. I will have them make valentine cards for their parents if they haven't done so already. They will exchange their valentines and play a couple games. Pretty simple. As for another game...we have the who said that game. I have to write the scenarios though because when put on the spot i will forget. It is also something that I can pass the reins over to someone else. I guess 2 games are ok plus tell the story of Cupid and St Valentine. St Valentine is a little morbid but oh well. He died a martyr. I found a nicer story. Still has an execution at the end but a lighter story.
I got the stickers for the Hershey's kisses for Iyishia's baby shower today. They are so cute! Now I have to buy some more kisses. There are alot of stickers I forgot how many I ordered! It's ok candy wont go to waste. This is the perfect time to buy the chocolates because after Valentine's Day the pink and red candys will be half price and I will clean up cheaply. I have all the stuff for the capias except for the quarters or dimes. I have to go to the bank and get a roll of quarters. I think they will look better than dimes. Big and bold! I can start making those too...this is fun. I should be a party planner! I would have a blast. Maybe I can have a small bakery and a party planning business! That would be ideal. I would be on cloud nine if I could spend my life baking and shopping for parties.
Well its almost 4pm and time to go get Ariel...let's see what happens....
We texted a little bit just about the Superbowl and then spoke for a little while after the game. He said he would wake me up in the morning and he did. He is supposed to come ove rtoday but it's 3pm and I still haven't heard from him. I don't know if he will show up since he hasn't shown his face yet. Unless he plans on sleeping over then he might come down. I could have had lunch with Jeff as he wanted to but I was holding out that John was going to come over. Oh well. I promised Jeff that we would do lunch tomorrow. I plan on holding up my end of the deal. It's not fair to stand him up. I should have just gone today and thought about it later.
I have been planning for both the Valentine's Day party and Iyishia's baby shower. The party is this Friday at Ariel's school. I have lollipops to make. I keep on putting it off because I don't really have a place to store them and don't want them to melt in the house. I found loose sweetheart candies for their game. They will take chopsticks and try to gather as many sweetheart candies as they can in a minute using chopsticks. This should be fun. i have to think of another game to play to keep these little monsters occupied for an hour and some odd minutes. I will have them make valentine cards for their parents if they haven't done so already. They will exchange their valentines and play a couple games. Pretty simple. As for another game...we have the who said that game. I have to write the scenarios though because when put on the spot i will forget. It is also something that I can pass the reins over to someone else. I guess 2 games are ok plus tell the story of Cupid and St Valentine. St Valentine is a little morbid but oh well. He died a martyr. I found a nicer story. Still has an execution at the end but a lighter story.
I got the stickers for the Hershey's kisses for Iyishia's baby shower today. They are so cute! Now I have to buy some more kisses. There are alot of stickers I forgot how many I ordered! It's ok candy wont go to waste. This is the perfect time to buy the chocolates because after Valentine's Day the pink and red candys will be half price and I will clean up cheaply. I have all the stuff for the capias except for the quarters or dimes. I have to go to the bank and get a roll of quarters. I think they will look better than dimes. Big and bold! I can start making those too...this is fun. I should be a party planner! I would have a blast. Maybe I can have a small bakery and a party planning business! That would be ideal. I would be on cloud nine if I could spend my life baking and shopping for parties.
Well its almost 4pm and time to go get Ariel...let's see what happens....
February 6, 2010
Well of course I can't get on the internet from work so I have to update....
John called me back Saturday night...It was option 2. he got a bad report from the doctor. He went for his scope on Tuesday and he said the doctor did n't like what he saw and ordered a Cat scan, a PET scan and an MRI. So he is freaking out. He is assuming that he will need more radiation and possibly chemotherapy if they decide to be more aggressive than the last phase of treatment. We should know something by next Friday after all the tests are complete. He doesn't want to be a burden on anyone. I'm not 12 years old. This is supposed to be a mature relationship. I can handle this. I think it's worth it. I think he is worth it. We talked for a little bit and then he had to go do some work. I kept it light and didn't push too much. But i made it clear that I wasn't going anywhere.
He woke me up Sunday morning..... things are good.
John called me back Saturday night...It was option 2. he got a bad report from the doctor. He went for his scope on Tuesday and he said the doctor did n't like what he saw and ordered a Cat scan, a PET scan and an MRI. So he is freaking out. He is assuming that he will need more radiation and possibly chemotherapy if they decide to be more aggressive than the last phase of treatment. We should know something by next Friday after all the tests are complete. He doesn't want to be a burden on anyone. I'm not 12 years old. This is supposed to be a mature relationship. I can handle this. I think it's worth it. I think he is worth it. We talked for a little bit and then he had to go do some work. I kept it light and didn't push too much. But i made it clear that I wasn't going anywhere.
He woke me up Sunday morning..... things are good.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Still waiting for truth...
Today is a good day I guess. Still no word from John. He never called me back last night. I stayed up as long as I could but he didn’t call anyway. Why is it that men are so communication challenged. I think that is the #1 demise of people’s relationships. No one wants to communicate. I think everyone likes to know where they stand but I think people are too scared to ask for fear that they may hear something they don’t want to hear. I want to know one way or the other. I have had relationships end on good standings because of communication. People grow in different directions. It happens. If we are brave enough to open our mouths I think we would have greater respect and more interpersonal relationships.
My marriage failed due to lack of communication (amongst other things). James never wanted to talk. He obviously had things on his mind but never opened his mouth. I felt like a dentist trying to pry things out of him. The more I pried the more shut down he became to the point where we barely said hello.
I hope to get the truth later...no matter how painful.
My marriage failed due to lack of communication (amongst other things). James never wanted to talk. He obviously had things on his mind but never opened his mouth. I felt like a dentist trying to pry things out of him. The more I pried the more shut down he became to the point where we barely said hello.
I hope to get the truth later...no matter how painful.
Friday, February 5, 2010
I received a text,..
Well it's Friday and I am back at work. Today was good. I interviewed my relief for when I need a day off. I don't know how she is gonna work out. We will see. Private duty is not for everyone. Its literally a 24 hour job. But it broke up my day. Mario was in good spirits. He didn't even give me a hard time about exercising.
I was charging my phone before I went upstairs for the night and finally got a text from John. It read: " I know i shouldn't have done you like that but I will not be a burden on anyone because of my health issues." I asked him to please call me that I was done for the night. He said he was at work and needed to start a compressor and it might be a while and I told him I would be up. I will stay up for this. I took my Seroquel but I can stay up thru it. So it appears that Option #2 that he got bad news from his doctor may be the root evil of this fiasco. As much as I don't want him to be sick, it is nice to know that he wasn't dumping me unexplained. Well in a way he was dumping me but maybe he had a change of heart? Maybe he realized that just cutting me off was really shitty? You can't tell me that he actually wants to be alone especially if he is sick.
Realtionships are give and take. Thru good and bad. You just don't bail because someone gets a cold. No, you go make some soup and crackers and give them a warm bath and some vaporub or something. I'm a fucking nurse! How could I leave someone who was sick? Even as Mario shits his brains out when he had a stomach flu and I was there wiping his ass 47 times a day, I still felt bad for him. I would never leave him dirty. And I would never leave John just because he was sick. If I had a car, I would have driven out there (prolly gotten lost) but I would have tried to go out and see him. But what if he didn't want to see me? There was always that question. I don't chase after people. I don't wanna be that creeper girlfriend that wont leave you alone. As much as I wanted to call every ten minutes and drive out there and check on him and wait in his driveway...*I let it go. I had to accept the possibility that I would never speak to him or see him again. I am glad he text me and hopefully he will call me and tell me everything.
I can forgive him. He doesn't know me. This could all be a defensive mechanism. Maybe he didn't wanna be the one that was dumped because he got a bad prognosis. If he knew me, he would understand that I don't leave people high and dry. I will do anything and everything for a friend. The same thing for a boyfriend. Anything and everything for the people I care about. I fell hard this time. I have been so guarded over the years and I finally let someone in just a little bit and then got the door slammed in my face. I am still hurt but it will pass. I will feel better once I know what the hell is going on.
I didn't think I would ever truly let someone in again. Especially after John (Ariel's dad) and Todd. He screwed me up so bad in the head that I thought I would never love or be loved again. I know in my head that it wasn't me that it was his fault because he was the liar and the cheater. But it still doesn't change the fact that it hurt. it hurt so bad I cried everyday. Cried everyday for a long time. even after Ariel was born I still cried. I cried because I was alone and no one wanted me. I was pregnant and then a single mom with a newborn. I was a leper. If you are pregnant people assume a father is around. Well not in my case. It was even worse after she was born because when you are pregnant u are just fat but still can hang out and be a designated driver and stuff. With a newborn baby you are a cramp in the single folks' style and a leper. One of my first dates happened in Arizona and Ariel was about a year old. He was very late and we missed the movie but I invited him in to watch tv and get to know each other. He wanted to hit a homerun and I stopped him dead in his tracks and told him I wasn't that type of girl and he wasn't getting lucky on a first date. Well he was very cruel and said that it was my loss because who would want me anyway as a single mother with baggage. My heart broke and I didn't date until nearly 6-9 months later. Then there was Todd. I fell hard for him. He was so beautiful and smart and strong. He said all the right things. He had communication issues due to work but he made up for it when he did call. He said all the right things until he said nothing at all. He never asked me to stay in AZ. Everyone knew I was leaving and I guess he thought I was kidding but I was moving back to the east coast. It broke my heart again. I didn't date until I met Ron. Todd still haunts me because he keeps looking for me and finding me and professing his love and then he is gone again. Everytime he does it, it hurts so bad because it rips apart those old wounds. That glimmer of hope that we could be together. Or the thought that maybe now it was meant to be? I haven't let it go yet and I know I should but he still comes after me. Why me?? Of all the girls around he looks for me? Who knows what is really going on in AZ. He says his dad is sick and he is doing some military work down in Tuscon. Am i some kind of joke that him and his buddies gather round when he contacts me? I know now I am thinking negatively but I can't help it. I haven't had too many postitive experiences here lately.
I try not to be a pessimist but I guess that is my defense mechanism kicking in. I have been hurt so many times and I let someone in and it happened again. I think no communication like that is the worst because it just left me thinking WTF?!? What the hell did I do wrong? Was I getting the wrong signals? Did he just want to get laid? I have done the friends with benefits thing and while I want a relationship beyond sex...if that's what he wanted he could have been upfront with me about it.
Well , I'm gonna sign off from here and we will see what happens if he calls me back. I will update later. I just had to get these things off my chest. I have had enough weight on my chest for a couple days already. Good night y'all.
I was charging my phone before I went upstairs for the night and finally got a text from John. It read: " I know i shouldn't have done you like that but I will not be a burden on anyone because of my health issues." I asked him to please call me that I was done for the night. He said he was at work and needed to start a compressor and it might be a while and I told him I would be up. I will stay up for this. I took my Seroquel but I can stay up thru it. So it appears that Option #2 that he got bad news from his doctor may be the root evil of this fiasco. As much as I don't want him to be sick, it is nice to know that he wasn't dumping me unexplained. Well in a way he was dumping me but maybe he had a change of heart? Maybe he realized that just cutting me off was really shitty? You can't tell me that he actually wants to be alone especially if he is sick.
Realtionships are give and take. Thru good and bad. You just don't bail because someone gets a cold. No, you go make some soup and crackers and give them a warm bath and some vaporub or something. I'm a fucking nurse! How could I leave someone who was sick? Even as Mario shits his brains out when he had a stomach flu and I was there wiping his ass 47 times a day, I still felt bad for him. I would never leave him dirty. And I would never leave John just because he was sick. If I had a car, I would have driven out there (prolly gotten lost) but I would have tried to go out and see him. But what if he didn't want to see me? There was always that question. I don't chase after people. I don't wanna be that creeper girlfriend that wont leave you alone. As much as I wanted to call every ten minutes and drive out there and check on him and wait in his driveway...*I let it go. I had to accept the possibility that I would never speak to him or see him again. I am glad he text me and hopefully he will call me and tell me everything.
I can forgive him. He doesn't know me. This could all be a defensive mechanism. Maybe he didn't wanna be the one that was dumped because he got a bad prognosis. If he knew me, he would understand that I don't leave people high and dry. I will do anything and everything for a friend. The same thing for a boyfriend. Anything and everything for the people I care about. I fell hard this time. I have been so guarded over the years and I finally let someone in just a little bit and then got the door slammed in my face. I am still hurt but it will pass. I will feel better once I know what the hell is going on.
I didn't think I would ever truly let someone in again. Especially after John (Ariel's dad) and Todd. He screwed me up so bad in the head that I thought I would never love or be loved again. I know in my head that it wasn't me that it was his fault because he was the liar and the cheater. But it still doesn't change the fact that it hurt. it hurt so bad I cried everyday. Cried everyday for a long time. even after Ariel was born I still cried. I cried because I was alone and no one wanted me. I was pregnant and then a single mom with a newborn. I was a leper. If you are pregnant people assume a father is around. Well not in my case. It was even worse after she was born because when you are pregnant u are just fat but still can hang out and be a designated driver and stuff. With a newborn baby you are a cramp in the single folks' style and a leper. One of my first dates happened in Arizona and Ariel was about a year old. He was very late and we missed the movie but I invited him in to watch tv and get to know each other. He wanted to hit a homerun and I stopped him dead in his tracks and told him I wasn't that type of girl and he wasn't getting lucky on a first date. Well he was very cruel and said that it was my loss because who would want me anyway as a single mother with baggage. My heart broke and I didn't date until nearly 6-9 months later. Then there was Todd. I fell hard for him. He was so beautiful and smart and strong. He said all the right things. He had communication issues due to work but he made up for it when he did call. He said all the right things until he said nothing at all. He never asked me to stay in AZ. Everyone knew I was leaving and I guess he thought I was kidding but I was moving back to the east coast. It broke my heart again. I didn't date until I met Ron. Todd still haunts me because he keeps looking for me and finding me and professing his love and then he is gone again. Everytime he does it, it hurts so bad because it rips apart those old wounds. That glimmer of hope that we could be together. Or the thought that maybe now it was meant to be? I haven't let it go yet and I know I should but he still comes after me. Why me?? Of all the girls around he looks for me? Who knows what is really going on in AZ. He says his dad is sick and he is doing some military work down in Tuscon. Am i some kind of joke that him and his buddies gather round when he contacts me? I know now I am thinking negatively but I can't help it. I haven't had too many postitive experiences here lately.
I try not to be a pessimist but I guess that is my defense mechanism kicking in. I have been hurt so many times and I let someone in and it happened again. I think no communication like that is the worst because it just left me thinking WTF?!? What the hell did I do wrong? Was I getting the wrong signals? Did he just want to get laid? I have done the friends with benefits thing and while I want a relationship beyond sex...if that's what he wanted he could have been upfront with me about it.
Well , I'm gonna sign off from here and we will see what happens if he calls me back. I will update later. I just had to get these things off my chest. I have had enough weight on my chest for a couple days already. Good night y'all.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
formspring.me
If you could date any celebrity, who would it be?
i don't know if i would actually wanna date rather than just use as part of my kinky fascinations
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